Rock-a-bye Baby

Wow, I was exhausted last night and only just got up. I think t was a combination if the alcohol and mirtazapine, that just made me want to sleep and sleep.

I had a great time last night though. We saw Athlete who played at a free music festival in the square. They were really good, and we went out for a few drinks afterwards and I really enjoyed it. It was nice to do something like that with N, it felt like we are properly going out now. I still feel unsure about it, but I am starting to become more comfortable, and open myself up a bit. It will take time to let down the walls. I know that I have them, but they are there for a reason. I don't want to be hurt again so soon, and I need them to protect me for awhile. She still seems ok with that at the moment. I hope it will continue and she won't pressure me, because i can't tell her I love her if I don't. And telling someone you don't love them, is never what they want to hear.

Normally my relationships are quick and passionate, and this one isn't like that. That could be a good thing, and I don't want to rush it or try to force anything. I just want it to be natural. So I won't lie about my feelings to make her feel better, or pretend things I don't really want. I'll just be myself. We'll see if that's ok I guess.

Going to see Indiana Jones with my Dad and brother today. Really looking forward to it :)

Unmiraculous Mirtazapine

I feel exactly the same.

Some days I wonder what the point is at all in trying to get better.

Much as the effects of recent events ought to have changed my outlook on life, they really haven't. I'm back to where I was, in the same job, believing the same things, feeling powerless, feeling monotonous, feeling faint.

I'm going to fade away to nothing, and disappear, and the world will not notice. Because that's what the world usually does, not notice and keep going. Nothing will stop the turning, the same old paradigms, the business of day to life, the junk on TV, the passivity and honed up aggression. I don't know how to be free, and if I did, I wouldn't know what to do with the freedom.

I rant, I rave, nothing changes. Most of all, I stay the same, and I hate that.

Playing With My Food

I've been prescribed some penicillin by the Doctor, and it seems on first glace that things are getting better. I definately have less pain. My tonsils have gone less swollen, and I can drink water fairly easily now. I still have big problems drinking anything else though, and with most foods.

I tried the following today:

Breakfast - Croissant and Scambled Eggs, cup of tea. I could only eat the soft jammy bits of the croissant and had to swallow about 5 times fr each tiny mouthful. I tried the scrambled eggs and bits kept getting stuck. I swallowed over and over but it was too hard and i gave up. One mouthful of lukewarm tea made my mouth explode in pain so I gave up on that.

Lunch - Had a go with a tin of heinz soup. Didn't go well, it was too sugary or sharp or something.

Dinner - Soup - Again. Covent Garden stuff. Very nice, but too much pepper which hurts my throat, and I can't eat it.
I manage to eat a rice pudding when it's been heated up and let cool for awhile. Frustrating to eat, but I got there. Two pieces of chocolate too, and a spoonful of honey I mixed in with the rice pudding. I licked the honey spoon though and something made my throat explode in pain. I'm not sure what - it was fine inside the rice pudding.

I wish I could get back to eating normally, it's making me miserable. It might start to help the tiredness I'm feeling and get me better quicker. On the bright side I have needed lots less painkillers to stay feeling ok today, so I'm glad about that.

I think I've lost quite a bit more weight and I really don't have any fat on me now. Unfortunately I've lost muscle too, but that's what happens when you are ill sometimes I guess.

Hand me a Scalpel

THe weather has been blazing hot, and I wish I could enjoy it, but I just feel wrecked. I am starting to think I have something more serious like glanduar fever, but we'll see, I have a lot of the symptoms

I'm sick of my tonsils hurting and I feel completely out of it. Sort of a big fragile mess, and like I'm going to fall asleep at any moment. I have tried lots of drugs for the pain, none of which work very well when I swallow. I have to pysch myself up for swallowing my own saliva now, and I feel like it's a never ending cycle taking drugs, gargling and trying to continue eating and drinking. I am also really congested and keep coughing up nasty stuff from deep in my throat and nose. It smells pretty bad too.

I hope things will get better soon, I keep slipping in and out of sleep while writing this... :(

Don't swallow...

What I thought were the side effects of lefepramine (tiredness, sore throat, dry mouth, nausia) seem to actually be the symptoms of tonsilitis. I went to the doctor yesterday, I've been feeling really awful. He gave me some mouthwash stuff to gargle and took a swab and so on. They'd also got sent a request to switch my meds to mitazipan, so I picked up the prescription for that.

So I thought I'd take the first dose straight away, instead of waiting until the evening, so I'd know what the side effects were.

Big mistake. I was in and out of sleep from 1.45pm until about 8 am the next morning. Wow, that's some sleeping pill right there. I think it was doubly bad because I have felt so awful with being ill already. It's probably viral though, so there's not much to do but wait really.

I feel a bit better today, I think all the sleep helped. Plus the huge amounts of ibuprofen I've been taking, and the mouthwash stuff too. All of that reduces the pain to a dull throb, and it only hurts like hell when I swallow. I still feel tired, but much more sentient than I was yesterday.

I think it will be ok until I take the mitazipan again tonight, and nuke my brain for another 18 hours....

Change of Heart, Change of Mind?

So, K convinced me to stay a bit longer before leaving work, and promised to get someone recruited. I remain to be completely satisfied, but I realised that starting a new job may be very stressful too. I got serveral interested enquiries from agencies today, but have not actually spoken to anyone at length yet.

It looks like I might be shortlisted for one of the jobs I applied for in Nottingham. But I don't really know if I want it.

I think right now I just want to do nothing. Go on holiday and toss flat stones into the sea. Or swim with dolphins, or hike the great wall of China. Anything but what's happening right now.

Well, perhaps some sort of adventure holiday would do me good.

Ring Mail

An interesting few days.

Friday: I couldn't take it anymore. The longstanding relationship between and my job is officially over, and I resgined giving a couple of months notice. I have already got a job offer back at the council, which should be a safe bet if I can't find anything better. Really hope I do though.



Saturday: I got the ring from S in the post. Looks like she sent it on Monday. And I had to photo blog this one. Yes, that's $1.80 standard post for a $4500 ring. I know I did the same thing, but I didn't think I'd be alive to worry about it. Well, it got here I guess ;) I have attached a pic, so I can remember what it looks like before it goes back to tiffanys.

Today: I have updated my CV and already applied for three jobs. We'll see how it goes I guess.