THE SANCTITY OF

I realised that I need to begin writing again. I stopped again for a while, for too long. I am writing in a notebook on the train, as I do not have a laptop with me. Later I typed this in, when I got a chance.

Things are better. I am learning to deal with stress as it comes along, and trying hard to act in different ways when I see it coming. I feel less scared about the realtionship with N and me, and confident that we can help support each other in the time ahead. Since I last wrote we visted Paris together, and I realised that I was falling in love with her. I was worried that it wouldn't come, but I knew how much I missed her when I was apart, and how wonderful she makes me feel. We had a wonderful time there, and I have really started to feel more at ease with her and myseflf. Things are still hard though, and I sometimes forget that on the good days. It's all too obvious on the bad ones.

I have found what seems to help, is validating my own feelings. If I ignore them and let them slide, it begins to make me unhappy, and causes my stress levels to rise. If I accept them then I can start to deal with them. If I am upset, angry, bored or tired, then I need arknowledge it. I need to stop feeling guilty when I'm not sure that my feelings match what other people expect. They make up a big part of who I am, and to accept myself, I must first accept them. I can control how to express them, but I must express them.

Work is very stressful, and I am aware that I will have to make it through a particularly busy week. I think surviving will be good enough, and trying to stay as relaxed and happy as I can. Next week I am on holiday though, so I will be able to reward myself for all the hard work I put in. I still don't know what to do, though I've been thinking about driving around France for a few days and camping.

Things between B and N seem to be quieting down a little. Threats have subsided, temporarily, at least. And things seem more relaxed. But there is a now a pregnancy to deal with, and this is sobering for everyone to deal with. I think maybe even he knows this. So, things are even more complicated now. I worry a lot about this situation. they have been seeing each other three months, and she is pregnant from a guy going through a divorce, with two children already, no money, about to be made redundant, and a big mortgage. I'd say unless she's really, really unaware, she must be at least a little scared right now.

I think sometimes that I am in a similar situation. But I know I have a choice, and that I really care about N and the kids. I think that will stay, no matter what happens in our relationship. We know how to take things slow at least though. That's not something B and K seem to know how to do right now.

In other news, I have considered going back to the scene of the crime. I think I'm nearly ready to see the concrete walls again, and see what I missed out on. Not just yet though. It's going to be really hard, so I think maybe I'll do it in daylight, on a very unstressful day. I just need to remember what happened. It's something I really need to do.