I am really struggling at the moment. I have been spending more time with the kids and looking after them, and I feel like I am not a good parental figure, or doing a good job. It can be very demanding and I am starting to feel resentful about not having enough time to myself or to pursue my interests anymore. I am either working, at the Gym, looking after the kids, or with Nicki. I think I need more time to myself, it's starting to drive me a bit nuts.
I feel really down this afternoon and have started to have suicidal thoughts again. I haven't thought like that for awhile. I'm not sure I can be a father figure and deal with the rest of my life too. Things are too difficult already and I don't need more pressure. I want to curl up and hide, and there are now even more people relying on me to be able to cope properly. I feel like I can't, everything is too much, I am in a permanant situation and I don't know if I really chose it or not. I'm scared, and tired and upset and I wish people would stop asking things of me. I need to learn to say no.
I am looking forward to another week off in September. I feel so knackered. I want to lie down and die.
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