Place for Negative Thoughts

I need to vent on here, because I can't say how I feel to those I care about. I thought I was doing ok, but I think I have been ignoring my feelings again, and this week hasn't been going well at all. Monday was depressing, and on Tuesday I felt like the world was ending. There was no particular reason for this. I thought I was doing ok with the kids, but I feel like N doesn't like when I tell them off, and I feel inadequate and rubbish as a father figure.

I am away a couple of days a week, so I can't be there and see them all the time, even if I wanted to. I got really upset when I came back again last night and the whole house was in a mess and there was a box of broken glass, because the mirror had smashed, and I felt like I had to tidy it all because N is finding it hard at the moment. She keeps avoiding me and went to bed last night and didn't want to talk.

Then today she told me she wanted some space. At first I was ok with this, and then within half an hour I was in floods of tears. I feel like a failure and start to worry there is someone else she wants. I feel shitty and start thinking about car parks, and feel like I have had a flashback to 6 months ago.

I really feel like rejection by women is the thing that pushes me over the edge. Maybe it's a freudian thing about my mum walking out when I was younger. I don't know, but every time I feel like it's happening, my emotions turn like tar in my veins, my throat sticks and I feel like the world is ending.

I know it's just 'space' but that is never a good sign. I thought things were getting better, getting good, but now I realise I was being optimistic, not realistic.

I know that she needs something I can't give her. Maybe that just is alone time. I hope so, so much. I really do love her, and it is clear to me just how much from the thought of losing her.

She has been the most understanding, thoughtful girlfriend I have ever had, and I haven't done what I needed to make her feel wanted enough. I am so scared. I don't know what to do other than leave her alone, and that's so difficult for me. What if she is testing me, and just wants to see how much I care? What if she wants to go see another guy tonight? My throat is sticking and I have tears running down my cheeks. I really need to be working right now. I don't know how to deal with this.