If it were possible not to treat work as a constant battle of will against my own desires and judgements, then I would have done it by now I'm sure.
My eyes are barely open, and I am still waiting on my computer to restart so I can finish off the server repair I was working on today. I feel exhausted, and on a different planet. If I were a sim, I'd be screaming at the screen for the deity who was controlling me to let me have some fun social time. And lots of sex. If only. I feel like a wreck. I need a night out, and some serious selfish relaxation time so I'll stop feeling so miserable. And I need to finish the things I'm working on, get out of the endless loop of procrastination, and stop things weighing on my mind.
Time to pass out. Maybe things won't seem so difficult tomorrow. God I hope so.
Thursday, 23 April 2009
Friday, 10 April 2009
A Week of Disappointment
I'm feeling a little too emotional tonight. I almost cried for the first time in a long while. A girl I'd been getting to know online and arranged a date with on Saturday told me she had started seeing someone else and it made me really sad. She was sweet about things, and we are going to be friends and see how it goes with this guy, but I felt really disappointed. I haven't even met her yet, I just had good feelings.
I felt happy two of my friends have had babies today, and that was quite exciting. But then it made me broody, and coupled with the rejection today, getting turned down for a date earlier in the week, and having my party attended by only 3 or 4 people who weren't family, on top of S not talking to me, I'm feeling pretty low. Then add on top of that, work stress, and a £1200 mobile bill I ran up accidentally last month. Talking to the managers about that wasn't fun.
To be honest I'm doing ok at not letting it get to me. I had therapy today and I didn't even think to talk about all the disappointments I've had in the last week. We brought up interesting stuff about my communication, and the way I talk. I felt like I got to the bottom of a new part of myself, and I know that's something I don't feel very often.
On the other hand, my music does seem to be going well, and I am writing songs and riffs a lot, although not usually finishing them. A song I wrote earlier last week I really like, and it needs some work, but I think I can get a recording finished fairly soon. Today I was playing around with hammond sounds, and I wrote another song. It was fun :)
I feel like I am in a bit of a rut, and I think I've been neglecting my social life the last few weeks, so I'm going to try to be a bit more sociable and do some things this weekend. Life is for living, and I need to start enjoying myself a bit more instead of moping around the house. I hope I manage to give myself the boost I need. I need some sort of boost to self esteem, so hopefully something will give me that kick I need in the next few days.
I felt happy two of my friends have had babies today, and that was quite exciting. But then it made me broody, and coupled with the rejection today, getting turned down for a date earlier in the week, and having my party attended by only 3 or 4 people who weren't family, on top of S not talking to me, I'm feeling pretty low. Then add on top of that, work stress, and a £1200 mobile bill I ran up accidentally last month. Talking to the managers about that wasn't fun.
To be honest I'm doing ok at not letting it get to me. I had therapy today and I didn't even think to talk about all the disappointments I've had in the last week. We brought up interesting stuff about my communication, and the way I talk. I felt like I got to the bottom of a new part of myself, and I know that's something I don't feel very often.
On the other hand, my music does seem to be going well, and I am writing songs and riffs a lot, although not usually finishing them. A song I wrote earlier last week I really like, and it needs some work, but I think I can get a recording finished fairly soon. Today I was playing around with hammond sounds, and I wrote another song. It was fun :)
I feel like I am in a bit of a rut, and I think I've been neglecting my social life the last few weeks, so I'm going to try to be a bit more sociable and do some things this weekend. Life is for living, and I need to start enjoying myself a bit more instead of moping around the house. I hope I manage to give myself the boost I need. I need some sort of boost to self esteem, so hopefully something will give me that kick I need in the next few days.
Friday, 3 April 2009
A Year On
Well, the anniversary of my 'near death' experience came and passed without a hitch. I threw a party, which sadly only about 3 people came to, despite me inviting about 50. I felt upset at the time, but I understand why people didn't want to come. I had a good time anyway though, and it was nice to see old friends (who seem to be the only people who don't know what the party was signifying).
S disappeared again. She says she's going through the legal stuff with Rob and doesn't want to have anyone influencing her right now, whilst she's going through the divorce. She told me not to take it personally, but really, how can I not? I initially got upset, but realised it really wouldn't help, so I am giving her some space. I've sent her a couple of emails telling her what's happening, and asking how she is, but she's not replied.
I'd been chatting to a girl for awhile, A, who I was getting on really well with. She decided to drive up from Hereford yesterday to come see me. So I was excited and spent the next hour and a half (this was how much notice she gave me) cleaning so that I wouldn't look like a total slob. Anyway, we were chatting and getting on well, had a bit of a debate about dance music. She says she's going for a cigarette, and goes downstairs. Next thing I know, she has got in her car and left. She swears it was nothing I said or did, and it was how she was feeling about her ex. But really - how to I attract these sort of women? She even lied initially and said her Dad had texted her and it was urgent. I don't bite - she could have just said she wasn't interested, but been friendly about it. I felt quite incensed because of how rude she was about it. I felt hurt all afternoon, and had to take a nap to sleep things off. This morning things feel better, although it did seem to really damage my self-esteem. I hope she is ok, she doesn't seem to want to respond to me, and I guess I didn't want to be pushy while I was upset in case I made it worse.
I think I'm going to go back to sleep now. I am still having trouble waking up in the early hours full of anxious thoughts, and unable to get back to sleep. For some reason eating something seems to help. I'm worried about it, but I don't really want to get sleeping tablets from the doctor, and I have the time to sleep in a few days a week, so I get along OK that way I guess.
I am feeling pretty rubbish about myself right now, I think I need to go easy on myself for awhile until I get some confidence back.
S disappeared again. She says she's going through the legal stuff with Rob and doesn't want to have anyone influencing her right now, whilst she's going through the divorce. She told me not to take it personally, but really, how can I not? I initially got upset, but realised it really wouldn't help, so I am giving her some space. I've sent her a couple of emails telling her what's happening, and asking how she is, but she's not replied.
I'd been chatting to a girl for awhile, A, who I was getting on really well with. She decided to drive up from Hereford yesterday to come see me. So I was excited and spent the next hour and a half (this was how much notice she gave me) cleaning so that I wouldn't look like a total slob. Anyway, we were chatting and getting on well, had a bit of a debate about dance music. She says she's going for a cigarette, and goes downstairs. Next thing I know, she has got in her car and left. She swears it was nothing I said or did, and it was how she was feeling about her ex. But really - how to I attract these sort of women? She even lied initially and said her Dad had texted her and it was urgent. I don't bite - she could have just said she wasn't interested, but been friendly about it. I felt quite incensed because of how rude she was about it. I felt hurt all afternoon, and had to take a nap to sleep things off. This morning things feel better, although it did seem to really damage my self-esteem. I hope she is ok, she doesn't seem to want to respond to me, and I guess I didn't want to be pushy while I was upset in case I made it worse.
I think I'm going to go back to sleep now. I am still having trouble waking up in the early hours full of anxious thoughts, and unable to get back to sleep. For some reason eating something seems to help. I'm worried about it, but I don't really want to get sleeping tablets from the doctor, and I have the time to sleep in a few days a week, so I get along OK that way I guess.
I am feeling pretty rubbish about myself right now, I think I need to go easy on myself for awhile until I get some confidence back.
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