A Year On

Well, the anniversary of my 'near death' experience came and passed without a hitch. I threw a party, which sadly only about 3 people came to, despite me inviting about 50. I felt upset at the time, but I understand why people didn't want to come. I had a good time anyway though, and it was nice to see old friends (who seem to be the only people who don't know what the party was signifying).

S disappeared again. She says she's going through the legal stuff with Rob and doesn't want to have anyone influencing her right now, whilst she's going through the divorce. She told me not to take it personally, but really, how can I not? I initially got upset, but realised it really wouldn't help, so I am giving her some space. I've sent her a couple of emails telling her what's happening, and asking how she is, but she's not replied.

I'd been chatting to a girl for awhile, A, who I was getting on really well with. She decided to drive up from Hereford yesterday to come see me. So I was excited and spent the next hour and a half (this was how much notice she gave me) cleaning so that I wouldn't look like a total slob. Anyway, we were chatting and getting on well, had a bit of a debate about dance music. She says she's going for a cigarette, and goes downstairs. Next thing I know, she has got in her car and left. She swears it was nothing I said or did, and it was how she was feeling about her ex. But really - how to I attract these sort of women? She even lied initially and said her Dad had texted her and it was urgent. I don't bite - she could have just said she wasn't interested, but been friendly about it. I felt quite incensed because of how rude she was about it. I felt hurt all afternoon, and had to take a nap to sleep things off. This morning things feel better, although it did seem to really damage my self-esteem. I hope she is ok, she doesn't seem to want to respond to me, and I guess I didn't want to be pushy while I was upset in case I made it worse.

I think I'm going to go back to sleep now. I am still having trouble waking up in the early hours full of anxious thoughts, and unable to get back to sleep. For some reason eating something seems to help. I'm worried about it, but I don't really want to get sleeping tablets from the doctor, and I have the time to sleep in a few days a week, so I get along OK that way I guess.

I am feeling pretty rubbish about myself right now, I think I need to go easy on myself for awhile until I get some confidence back.