Friday, 15 August 2008
Car Parks and Text Messages
I started to feel better about what happened yesterday in the evening, and went to see my Dad for his birthday, and recorded some things for a song I've been working on. N kept saying she missed me and was lonely which made me feel like she still wants to be with me. I missed her so much too.
This morning she said she was going out for a coffee with a friend though. And that she parked on the top of a certain car park.
And then pieces come together and I start worrying again. She's just managed to associate her going out with a coffee with a friend with my suicide attempt in the same text message without even realising what she's done. And so I immediately see the whole thing negatively, since she associated 'friend' 'coffee' and 'car park' in two adjoining sentences. Even knowing I'm seeing this in an overly negative way doesn't help here. So I ask if it's a male friend. And pretend not to be scared.
This morning she said she was going out for a coffee with a friend though. And that she parked on the top of a certain car park.
And then pieces come together and I start worrying again. She's just managed to associate her going out with a coffee with a friend with my suicide attempt in the same text message without even realising what she's done. And so I immediately see the whole thing negatively, since she associated 'friend' 'coffee' and 'car park' in two adjoining sentences. Even knowing I'm seeing this in an overly negative way doesn't help here. So I ask if it's a male friend. And pretend not to be scared.
Thursday, 14 August 2008
Place for Negative Thoughts
I need to vent on here, because I can't say how I feel to those I care about. I thought I was doing ok, but I think I have been ignoring my feelings again, and this week hasn't been going well at all. Monday was depressing, and on Tuesday I felt like the world was ending. There was no particular reason for this. I thought I was doing ok with the kids, but I feel like N doesn't like when I tell them off, and I feel inadequate and rubbish as a father figure.
I am away a couple of days a week, so I can't be there and see them all the time, even if I wanted to. I got really upset when I came back again last night and the whole house was in a mess and there was a box of broken glass, because the mirror had smashed, and I felt like I had to tidy it all because N is finding it hard at the moment. She keeps avoiding me and went to bed last night and didn't want to talk.
Then today she told me she wanted some space. At first I was ok with this, and then within half an hour I was in floods of tears. I feel like a failure and start to worry there is someone else she wants. I feel shitty and start thinking about car parks, and feel like I have had a flashback to 6 months ago.
I really feel like rejection by women is the thing that pushes me over the edge. Maybe it's a freudian thing about my mum walking out when I was younger. I don't know, but every time I feel like it's happening, my emotions turn like tar in my veins, my throat sticks and I feel like the world is ending.
I know it's just 'space' but that is never a good sign. I thought things were getting better, getting good, but now I realise I was being optimistic, not realistic.
I know that she needs something I can't give her. Maybe that just is alone time. I hope so, so much. I really do love her, and it is clear to me just how much from the thought of losing her.
She has been the most understanding, thoughtful girlfriend I have ever had, and I haven't done what I needed to make her feel wanted enough. I am so scared. I don't know what to do other than leave her alone, and that's so difficult for me. What if she is testing me, and just wants to see how much I care? What if she wants to go see another guy tonight? My throat is sticking and I have tears running down my cheeks. I really need to be working right now. I don't know how to deal with this.
I am away a couple of days a week, so I can't be there and see them all the time, even if I wanted to. I got really upset when I came back again last night and the whole house was in a mess and there was a box of broken glass, because the mirror had smashed, and I felt like I had to tidy it all because N is finding it hard at the moment. She keeps avoiding me and went to bed last night and didn't want to talk.
Then today she told me she wanted some space. At first I was ok with this, and then within half an hour I was in floods of tears. I feel like a failure and start to worry there is someone else she wants. I feel shitty and start thinking about car parks, and feel like I have had a flashback to 6 months ago.
I really feel like rejection by women is the thing that pushes me over the edge. Maybe it's a freudian thing about my mum walking out when I was younger. I don't know, but every time I feel like it's happening, my emotions turn like tar in my veins, my throat sticks and I feel like the world is ending.
I know it's just 'space' but that is never a good sign. I thought things were getting better, getting good, but now I realise I was being optimistic, not realistic.
I know that she needs something I can't give her. Maybe that just is alone time. I hope so, so much. I really do love her, and it is clear to me just how much from the thought of losing her.
She has been the most understanding, thoughtful girlfriend I have ever had, and I haven't done what I needed to make her feel wanted enough. I am so scared. I don't know what to do other than leave her alone, and that's so difficult for me. What if she is testing me, and just wants to see how much I care? What if she wants to go see another guy tonight? My throat is sticking and I have tears running down my cheeks. I really need to be working right now. I don't know how to deal with this.
Sunday, 3 August 2008
Coping Strategy
I am really struggling at the moment. I have been spending more time with the kids and looking after them, and I feel like I am not a good parental figure, or doing a good job. It can be very demanding and I am starting to feel resentful about not having enough time to myself or to pursue my interests anymore. I am either working, at the Gym, looking after the kids, or with Nicki. I think I need more time to myself, it's starting to drive me a bit nuts.
I feel really down this afternoon and have started to have suicidal thoughts again. I haven't thought like that for awhile. I'm not sure I can be a father figure and deal with the rest of my life too. Things are too difficult already and I don't need more pressure. I want to curl up and hide, and there are now even more people relying on me to be able to cope properly. I feel like I can't, everything is too much, I am in a permanant situation and I don't know if I really chose it or not. I'm scared, and tired and upset and I wish people would stop asking things of me. I need to learn to say no.
I am looking forward to another week off in September. I feel so knackered. I want to lie down and die.
I feel really down this afternoon and have started to have suicidal thoughts again. I haven't thought like that for awhile. I'm not sure I can be a father figure and deal with the rest of my life too. Things are too difficult already and I don't need more pressure. I want to curl up and hide, and there are now even more people relying on me to be able to cope properly. I feel like I can't, everything is too much, I am in a permanant situation and I don't know if I really chose it or not. I'm scared, and tired and upset and I wish people would stop asking things of me. I need to learn to say no.
I am looking forward to another week off in September. I feel so knackered. I want to lie down and die.
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