Vassals In A Castle

An interesting few days. Me and B finally broke it off on Saturday, and I feel less stressed about the situation now. We never really hit it off that well as a relationship, we're two very different people. I feel bad at the time, but it was mutual, and I was ok the next day. I miss having someone to talk about things with, but she never really let me in very much. It wasn't going anywhere good.

Then I met up with A again on Sunday, went out for lunch which was nice. I am pretty sure we'll just be friends, there has never been any chemistry there really. I've been talking to S a lot. I want to hope for something to take off between us again. But there's so many risks, and I'm not really ready to take a big chance. I would offer to pay for her plane ticket over. But she has to come here, and take that risk. There's no way I can let myself do it another way.

I had a relaxing day at work today with no real hassle, and I finished early to go to an appointment with C. I haven't seen him for a long while. I got the feeling he wasn't interested, but he was really nice today when I got there. He made quite a few suggestions on how to help me sleep. Which I hope will work..

Miss Fiance

In a weird twist of things, who was to show up on my birthday but miss ex fiance, S. We've been chatting a little. I still don't know what is off topic and what's not. And she's very cagey. I wonder how long she'll keep talking to me. I wonder a lot of things.

B put on Savage Garden in the car the other day. It's weird that. Then she reappears. Life is strange.

Very strange.

Assert Yourself

I am torn between thinking I'm being unfair, and thinking I have a point with B's behaviour. On Thursday she must have been one of the few girls who would say no to sex on a guy's birthday, and the next morning.

She's gone to a burlesque night in Sheffield, to stay with a couple she has been sleeping with regularly. To say I am a little worried about this is an understatement, but as much as she reassures me, I think she could lie pretty easily and get away with it here. I don't know how to get over these paranoid feelings. To be honest, I feel like if I ask her straight out she'll probably tell me, and even if she lies I'll be able to tell whether she did sleep with them.

But then, do I really want to know, so I can be depressed again about another girl hurting me, and ignoring my feelings. On Monday or Tuesday I got quite upset with her and told her how I was feeling, and she tried to get me to chill out and things. I think I am ok most of the time, but then I'll work myself up into some panic attack about some little things that happen and get really scared again. But that's just me. I need to be less insecure, and stop letting people feed off my generosity or helpfulness. It's not a good trait. Not having seen R for a couple of weeks hasn't helped. I need a big confidence boost somehow and I'm currently wondering how to get that.

I've finally been firm with myself tonight and decided that letting her damage my self-esteem isn't doing me any good, and the best thing to do is tell her how it is, and if she can't deal with it, to stop seeing her. If she isn't ready to let me in, then we'll just have to depart. Lots of things have been bugging me about her, so I need to assert myself for a change. I'll feel better about myself either way.

Hit Like a Meteor

The last few days have been awful. It started with B going away for the weekend. I went out with N on Friday which went fine. Then Saturday my friend got my arty date wrong by a month, and showed up with a birthday cake - which was really sweet but funny. Anyhow, things would have been ok except B was so hot and cold about replying to texts. She seems so disinterested it's untrue. I thin she's just thinking about her trip to Sheffield next weekend. So, we ended up having sex, and she wanted me to take her home pretty much straight after. I've been taking her back and forth the last two weeks, and it's an hour round trip, which I'm getting pretty sick of.

I am giving her another week to see what she wants, because I am feeling less and less appreciated each day. Its my birthday on Thursday. We'll see what happens then - I guess that's a god indicator of how much she cares. If she can't make a fuss of me on that day, then she's probably never going to.

And then, she gets to talk to her strange lovers at the weekend. I think I'll just leave her to it, and ask her straight out if she slept with them or not. She doesn't seem to lie much. I expect she will sleep with them. And if she does, then I know it's time to call things off. I am already getting annoyed and upset about how she's treating me, and have been giving her so much leeway. Well, she has one more week, until next Friday (I guess that's a week and a half really.) We'll see what happens.

I feel so depressed today, I haven't felt like this in weeks. I know that I have been ignoring my feelings again, and this is not a good sign.