Assert Yourself

I am torn between thinking I'm being unfair, and thinking I have a point with B's behaviour. On Thursday she must have been one of the few girls who would say no to sex on a guy's birthday, and the next morning.

She's gone to a burlesque night in Sheffield, to stay with a couple she has been sleeping with regularly. To say I am a little worried about this is an understatement, but as much as she reassures me, I think she could lie pretty easily and get away with it here. I don't know how to get over these paranoid feelings. To be honest, I feel like if I ask her straight out she'll probably tell me, and even if she lies I'll be able to tell whether she did sleep with them.

But then, do I really want to know, so I can be depressed again about another girl hurting me, and ignoring my feelings. On Monday or Tuesday I got quite upset with her and told her how I was feeling, and she tried to get me to chill out and things. I think I am ok most of the time, but then I'll work myself up into some panic attack about some little things that happen and get really scared again. But that's just me. I need to be less insecure, and stop letting people feed off my generosity or helpfulness. It's not a good trait. Not having seen R for a couple of weeks hasn't helped. I need a big confidence boost somehow and I'm currently wondering how to get that.

I've finally been firm with myself tonight and decided that letting her damage my self-esteem isn't doing me any good, and the best thing to do is tell her how it is, and if she can't deal with it, to stop seeing her. If she isn't ready to let me in, then we'll just have to depart. Lots of things have been bugging me about her, so I need to assert myself for a change. I'll feel better about myself either way.