Discombulated Was So Last Week

It's been awhile since I've written. I think because a lot of my emotions are coming out in songs recently, and I feel really good about that. It's been really productive with writing some good material recently. The recording isn't going so well, I think because I'm very inexperienced in doing that by myself at the moment. But I got a midi controller keyboard, so I can finally add some other instruments and drum tracks more easily.

I am really excited about the music, and thinking about getting singing lessons to help with my vocal technique and try to develop that a bit. It's something I'd like to feel more confident about. The guitar playing is gradually improving though I think, and the new guitar is so awesome. I still look at it like Kate Bekinsale is standing naked in front of me. It's a thing of beauty and I respect it too much to put it down for very long.

Things in love are interesting. Things with B went down a little last week, I got a bit upset and she got distant, but it was that time of the month, and this weekend has been nice. She seems to have backed off a little, and I'm not really sure why. I am sort of under the impression that she's testing me. But, she gave me a surprise by letting me meet her parents yesterday. They seems really nice. I like her mum, she's quite modest and caring I think. It seems they like me too :)

I am going to spring meeting my parents on her...perhaps I'll go round and see them for the first time since Christmas...

A girl I've been chatting to and really liked was pretty harsh to me today when I told her I liked men. Then the rest of the day she was in between apologising and chastising me. She seems a bit unstable. I was sort of romantically interested, and although me and Bex are getting on well, we aren't exclusive yet, and so I was open to the idea of meeting someone. she also has a lot in common with me. Sadly it seems one of those things is flair for drama, and emotional disregulation.

I really need someone a little more down to earth and stable right now. I think that's why I feel B is so good for me. So yeah, this girl K is exciting and fun, but she's so interested in me so quickly, and very fickle with her affections, even across the length of a day. I'll see what she's like tomorrow.

Better Days

Things are still going great with B. We had a wonderful weekend, and I just chilled out with her most of the time. I feel comfortable just relaxing with her, and having her around, and I feel like she really mellows me out. She helps me with my tendency to stress out about things, she's like the best stress reliever I've ever had. Calm, relaxed and chilled. I like her so much. The other day I told her I loved her. She didn't really take me seriously, but she wasn't upset or annoyed. But I meant it when I said it. Later I thought about it and I guess I'm not really sure how I feel. But I deeply care about her already, and I feel so close to her, and comfortable with her. She feels more perfect for me than any other girl I've been with...like someone I love to spend time with, and can't ever see myself not getting on with her most of the time.

Anyhow, I've been starting a couple of OU courses, and I feel fairly confident I can do them. I struggled with some of the maths to start off with, but I'm picking it up ok now, and remembering my GCSE work and what I did way back then. I feel glad I am improving my skills quickly already. The other course is in database theory and practice. It's a tough level 3 course, but hopefully my background will help with that.

I have been getting some material down, and feeling good about my music. The new guitar just feels more and more fantastic, and it records so well. I feel confident about getting a few tracks down for a demo, and have lots of ideas for songs to put in a set. I feel better than I've felt for a long time about it.

I miss B, I wish I could snuggle with her now.. :)

These are better days...

All Good Things

I am having trouble sleeping, because my ear has got blocked and it's now bothering me a lot. The ear drops just made it worse sadly.

I spoke to B about my concerns and she seemed ok with how I felt, and what was happening. She said she was being especially cautious because of how she thinks I am the heart on the sleeve type and she wants to be sure she knows what she wants, so she doesn't hurt me, or get hurt. I made some guesses as to what was happening, and she seemed really open and honest about things.

It's weird, it feels like I've known her a long time, but it's not even been two weeks. It feels slightly crazy that things are going so fast, but have been genuinely getting on really well. So I have tried to pull my heart back a bit, and start being more friendly, and less lovey dovey. That seems to have helped. She wants to spend all weekend here, and I was really excited about that.

I saw A for the first time in over a month last night. It was nice to see him and catch up. We don't see enough of each other lately. He does seem very busy with his girfriend in London, and the long commute to his job every day.

I am getting on well with N, and I don't feel resentful or hurt about her new relationship. I want her to be happy, and I feel upset that she's depressed and hypersensitive about being abandoned again. If I was psychoanalysing I'd say she has the same issue about men as I have about women. I hope he has lots of patience and can be there for her while she sorts herself out. She dwells and enjoys the drama quite a bit, so I guess he has to be able to take those ups and downs and let things settle, as does she.

Thankfully, she does seem to be starting to get over B now. I guess that's something. I want to go swimming with her later in the week - hopefully she'll be ok with that but I haven't spoken to her for a couple of days. I think encouraging her to exercise will help boost her self confidence, and it'll give me a reason to travel to a decent swimming pool, since the one in the gym is tiny.

New Girl

It's been awhile since I wrote. So, since I last put anything in here, I've met a nice girl whom I really like, B...we've been on a few dates, and she's stayed over three nights I think in the last week or so.

It's going pretty fast - 'too fast' she said. So I have to try to slow myself down. And I do the usual thing I do when I am stepping into a new relationship - make myself too emotionally and physically available. I need to learn how to play hard to get, because otherwise I really feel I won't keep her. Uncertainty drives passion, and she doesn't know me well enough to know either way yet whether she really wants to be with me.

Anyhow, I just realised that after I said she could chat to me any time, and she said 'I know.' I think I need to learn to be chased a bit more. And be surprising. I need to be coy. I hope I still have enough time to reverse things a bit, and feel in control again.

I do start to feel the fear of abandonment. But I know relationships are full of games. I wish I knew why they always have to be played. Maybe I just need to know how to play the games better.