I've learnt a lot about myself in the past few days. I spent £200 on a woman I barely knew, she stole £10 from me yesterday morning, and wouldn't leave me alone. I practically had to kick her out my house as she latched onto me immediately. It was not a good situation, and she was not a nice person, and I realised that there are limits to what I will put up with from people. I felt justified, and felt like I had been the best person I could have been in the situation.
I made a lot of effort to see that she was safe, I called the women's aid and put her in contact with them, had her door repaired and gave her as much advice as I could. She didn't respect my feelings, or listen to my requests, and asked for more and more.
I am forgetting about her as quickly as I can. In the future I shall be trusting strangers a lot less, and being less open with my feelings until I recognise I can really trust them.
Today I cried when President Obama was inaugurated. I felt so happy, about Bush going, and about the things he said in his speech. I felt genuine hope, and faith that someone who is intelligent and principled has been put in that position. I believe he'll bring real change if he wants to, because he seems to genuinely have the integrity and will it takes. I hope he follows through with his promises.
Later I told N I loved her again. I told her I want her to be happy with G though, who she has just entered into a real relationship with. I do want her to be happy. I am cut up and torn apart by it though. I guess I feel better about things than I have for a long time. But I feel like I am less of a man than him. I feel inferior.
I guess I just have to keep trying to move on, keep searching for the meaning, and someone to trust with my heart. Someone who's really the one I can be with.
In the meantime, I plan to have sexual relations with whoever passes my way. I think I have earned the privilege of some guilt free sex for awhile. I don't want to hurt anyone, just have some fun.
I keep thinking about the tattoo I am planning to get. I need a design to take to a tattoo artist. I really want to go ahead with it. I feel like it will be a mark of who I am, and what I have been through and survived.
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
Monday, 19 January 2009
Women's Refuge
I feel tonight I have been way too nice to an almost complete stranger, who's now sleeping in my bed. I feel slightly like a women's refuge shelter. It's a weird situation I put myself into. I am glad she feels safe, but I have learnt a lot about myself in the process. I shouldn't have let her come on to me, I shouldn't have kissed her, I shouldn't have started to have sex with her. I am sure most of what I did tonight was wrong, and I feel a little manipulated. But now I am on the sofa, and I have asserted myself, and that's good enough. I hope I have a new friend at least, but I'm not holding my breath with how she'll act tomorrow.
Friday, 16 January 2009
Stranger
I feel a bit like a stranger today, like I am looking at myself in a different light.
I was speaking to S about things yesterday, and about she felt about me and vice versa, and how she is since going back to Greece, and I couldn't work out why she was upset with me. Like I completely couldn't recall it.
And she left, and I sent her an email asking what is was about. And then she replied today and told me all the hurtful things I had said about her on here and online. Then I read back on what I put, and I couldn't believe how venomous I'd been, and where all the anger and negativity had come from. It was scary to think I could have forgotten feeling that way, or had that sort of crazy love/hate splitting about her.
It was two weeks ago, and I have been abroad and seen lots of different people since then, but I don't quite understand why I was that upset with her. It's scary, and I am worried for my sanity.
I felt pretty productive at work today, then my parents came round for dinner, and it was nice to see them and chat to them. I think I may stop drinking for awhile. I seem to get quite angry and emotional sometimes when I've had a few drinks (not a huge amount, maybe half a bottle of wine). That seems to be when I get so strange and react so dramatically to rejection. I need to chill out and take things one step at a time. I don't know how to start becoming a more mellow, less irritable person though. I seem to have a big bitterness issue, like I have been wronged, and I can't get past it. I hope I start to feel better about things soon.
On the brightside, I feel my relationships with women are starting to improve. Hanging around all those girls for the last couple of weeks does seem to have helped me in some way. I actually had an emotive conversation with N today without it ending in an argument. Which is new.
I was speaking to S about things yesterday, and about she felt about me and vice versa, and how she is since going back to Greece, and I couldn't work out why she was upset with me. Like I completely couldn't recall it.
And she left, and I sent her an email asking what is was about. And then she replied today and told me all the hurtful things I had said about her on here and online. Then I read back on what I put, and I couldn't believe how venomous I'd been, and where all the anger and negativity had come from. It was scary to think I could have forgotten feeling that way, or had that sort of crazy love/hate splitting about her.
It was two weeks ago, and I have been abroad and seen lots of different people since then, but I don't quite understand why I was that upset with her. It's scary, and I am worried for my sanity.
I felt pretty productive at work today, then my parents came round for dinner, and it was nice to see them and chat to them. I think I may stop drinking for awhile. I seem to get quite angry and emotional sometimes when I've had a few drinks (not a huge amount, maybe half a bottle of wine). That seems to be when I get so strange and react so dramatically to rejection. I need to chill out and take things one step at a time. I don't know how to start becoming a more mellow, less irritable person though. I seem to have a big bitterness issue, like I have been wronged, and I can't get past it. I hope I start to feel better about things soon.
On the brightside, I feel my relationships with women are starting to improve. Hanging around all those girls for the last couple of weeks does seem to have helped me in some way. I actually had an emotive conversation with N today without it ending in an argument. Which is new.
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
Targets for This Year
Get myself a life affirming tattoo in recognition of being alive.
Write an album worth of songs and record them.
Start gigging again.
Keep fit and start being happy with doing enough, and not having to be an amazing athlete.
Stay active and keep enjoying that.
Get some inspiration back in my work.
Plan my next holiday.
Plan a fantastic life-affirming party.
Make some new friends.
Find a relationship with someone I can trust.
Look into my new interests further and see where they might lead me.
Stop worrying about my 'manliness'.
Stop worrying about who I am and accept people for who they are.
Stop thinking about everything in fatalistic ways and learn to relax.
Chill out on my emotional intensity.
Achieve some more professional/academic qualifications.
So, a couple of goals there...
Write an album worth of songs and record them.
Start gigging again.
Keep fit and start being happy with doing enough, and not having to be an amazing athlete.
Stay active and keep enjoying that.
Get some inspiration back in my work.
Plan my next holiday.
Plan a fantastic life-affirming party.
Make some new friends.
Find a relationship with someone I can trust.
Look into my new interests further and see where they might lead me.
Stop worrying about my 'manliness'.
Stop worrying about who I am and accept people for who they are.
Stop thinking about everything in fatalistic ways and learn to relax.
Chill out on my emotional intensity.
Achieve some more professional/academic qualifications.
So, a couple of goals there...
Dum vita est, spes est
In an ode to existential crisis, of which I seem to have been in for three months:
Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams.
For if dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Covered with snow.
Langston Hughes
Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams.
For if dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Covered with snow.
Langston Hughes
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Home is where the heart is. I suppose.
I am back in the UK after some very enjoyable time in New Jersey. E was a wonderful friend, and just how I remember her - kind, caring and funny. I had a lot of fun with her and her girlfriend M, who is pretty dry and sarcastic. She's kind too though. I think I have made a few new friends and I feel really glad I went to see them. I enjoyed seeing NYC again, and I really liked where they lived in Jersey City. I didn't want to leave, I was beginning to feel very at home, and happy with the people I was with.
So, on Thursday night I went out for pizza with the girls, and we were meant to go for a drink after, but E wasn't feeling well (it turned out she has the flu). I decided (maybe two beers talking) that I was fine going to this bar by myself, which was pretty much a gay bar. Yes, for the first time, by myself. What was I thinking?
After a vacuous, self-absorbed stereotype named Ronan tried to chat me up, bought me drinks and went on about designer clothes for an hour (I really thought they were actually filming Ugly Betty), my night wasn't going too great. It took the bartender, a girl in the bar, me giving him my email address, and disappearing to the toilet to get him to leave me alone. Seriously. No wonder straight guys are scared of gay men. Jesus.
Anyway, I made friends with this hot black girl called Hazel who was there with her boyfriend. She was bi, but sadly her boyfriend wasn't. He was hot. Anyhow, the bartender bought me a couple of Jameson's after that to 'make up' for my bad experience, and then I was being fed beer for the rest of the night. I was really drunk by this point, got talking to a Chinese guy called A. I basically asked him to come back to my hotel with me. Oh man.
Anyway, I kind of wish I hadn't hit on someone when I was drunk. He wasn't very attractive at all. Agghhh. But once we got back, I was pretty forward, to say the least. I've never been that forward with a girl before. My god. Anyway, I was pretty much dirty as hell, and then basically wanted him to leave afterwards. He was totally selfish, and didn't really give me a lot in return...
So...I had my first sexual experience with a man. The kissing freaked me out a bit. Feeling someone's stubble against me felt odd and not very affectionate. Is it really a good idea to write it on my blog? Oh man. Still...it put me off a bit. So much so that I didn't flirt with this guy J who came round the next day and was one of E's friends. He was actually good looking and fun. Still, not to be too hard on A. It was totally my own doing. The next day I felt hyper hetrosexual and really wanted to be with a girl. So yeah, wrong time for J. I kind of wish I'd met him the previous night.
The good thing is, I feel a lot less scared of the idea now. I am ok with being attracted to men in a sexual way, and I don't feel the need to develop it any more. Maybe I'll start feeling less uncomfortable about male friendships again now. I pretty much realised I am having a big issue with my masculinity. I think some of that might be to do with being uncomfortable with myself and who I am emotionally and sexually. I need to learn to deal with it, and stop giving a fuck if people think I am acting 'gay' or whatever. This new attitude seems to have helped me markedly, and I do feel more in control for some reason.
Oh god, I do still love N. I am feeling a little disheartened though because today she asked how I felt about teaching her the guitar. I replied and said ok, asked a few questions, etc, which she didn't reply to. This was about 12.30-1pm. Then I sent her another text at 9.30 or so asking her why she never replies to texts, and saying I'd teach her if she set up a standing order to pay back the money she owes me.
She immediately replied and asked me to call her. I called her 10 mins later after I had put the shopping away, and she said she hadn't written back because she'd been driving for 7 hours back from Scotland. She said she had left at 3 though, so she had time.
Still, I give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she usually never replies to my texts (I think mainly because she doesn't like spending money texting me unless it's for something she wants). So, pretty soon she says she has to go, and I say I will speak to her online, and unblock her after I have eaten. She doesn't log in though, and a text from me later receives no response.
So there we go, once she has what she wants, away she is gone again. Or perhaps asleep, if I give her more benefit of the doubt. I wonder why I bother. I probably should just tell her I don't want to see her, because I feel like if I hadn't sent her the flowers and chocolates and things on her birthday and told her I loved her, she wouldn't feel like she could ask something of me. I do care about her, and I like spending time with her, but I feel like she tries to get things out of me, and it's about what she wants rather than actually just spending time with me. I wish she'd try to understand my feelings a bit more, and understand things from my point of view.
Anyway, as it turns out G, the guy she was into, she's suddenly not into anymore. He told her he didn't want to see her anymore, because apparently he wasn't ok with sharing her with other guys after all. Surprise, surprise. I think if she honestly wants to find a guy who is ok with that, then it will have to be just sex, or a guy who is genuinely not very nice.
What sort of nice guy is really ok with that? He was saying it because it was what she needed, and he hoped she'd choose to be with him if he gave her time. A couple of months seems long enough to be honest! I think he did well to put up with it for as long as he did.
However, she's already found a couple of guys to replace him - L and a guy from Northampton. L seems like another nice bloke. I wish she'd either just pick one guy to go out with, or start dating nasty blokes. It's so unfair to hurt the guys who really don't deserve it. She's not being fair at all. Just pick someone N, and give them a chance instead of treating them like rental videos that you can take out all at once, and take back one at a time once the cost gets too high. Some of them she probably takes back without even watching them. She doesn't seem to have any idea what she wants.
But still, I love her. And still I wish she'd pick me. I have so much to offer. I guess she's never really seen that though.
I have had a flood of interest from match.com recently, actually lots of really attractive girls have been winking at me and sending me messages, and I think I ought to be able to move on. But the one girl I was really into, A, just told me today she's got back together with her ex-boyfriend. Great.
At least she was nice enough to be really honest with me about it. Which is good. And I was nice back, and polite. Although to be honest, I was a bit upset. Still, there are other fish in the sea (or so I am told). She was probably too nice for me anyway. It does feel like once I start to get close to girls and open up though, they run a mile. I hadn't got so far as telling her much about myself though. I just felt like I could trust her, or learn to trust her, which is a hard thing for me to get to with most women.
So, on Thursday night I went out for pizza with the girls, and we were meant to go for a drink after, but E wasn't feeling well (it turned out she has the flu). I decided (maybe two beers talking) that I was fine going to this bar by myself, which was pretty much a gay bar. Yes, for the first time, by myself. What was I thinking?
After a vacuous, self-absorbed stereotype named Ronan tried to chat me up, bought me drinks and went on about designer clothes for an hour (I really thought they were actually filming Ugly Betty), my night wasn't going too great. It took the bartender, a girl in the bar, me giving him my email address, and disappearing to the toilet to get him to leave me alone. Seriously. No wonder straight guys are scared of gay men. Jesus.
Anyway, I made friends with this hot black girl called Hazel who was there with her boyfriend. She was bi, but sadly her boyfriend wasn't. He was hot. Anyhow, the bartender bought me a couple of Jameson's after that to 'make up' for my bad experience, and then I was being fed beer for the rest of the night. I was really drunk by this point, got talking to a Chinese guy called A. I basically asked him to come back to my hotel with me. Oh man.
Anyway, I kind of wish I hadn't hit on someone when I was drunk. He wasn't very attractive at all. Agghhh. But once we got back, I was pretty forward, to say the least. I've never been that forward with a girl before. My god. Anyway, I was pretty much dirty as hell, and then basically wanted him to leave afterwards. He was totally selfish, and didn't really give me a lot in return...
So...I had my first sexual experience with a man. The kissing freaked me out a bit. Feeling someone's stubble against me felt odd and not very affectionate. Is it really a good idea to write it on my blog? Oh man. Still...it put me off a bit. So much so that I didn't flirt with this guy J who came round the next day and was one of E's friends. He was actually good looking and fun. Still, not to be too hard on A. It was totally my own doing. The next day I felt hyper hetrosexual and really wanted to be with a girl. So yeah, wrong time for J. I kind of wish I'd met him the previous night.
The good thing is, I feel a lot less scared of the idea now. I am ok with being attracted to men in a sexual way, and I don't feel the need to develop it any more. Maybe I'll start feeling less uncomfortable about male friendships again now. I pretty much realised I am having a big issue with my masculinity. I think some of that might be to do with being uncomfortable with myself and who I am emotionally and sexually. I need to learn to deal with it, and stop giving a fuck if people think I am acting 'gay' or whatever. This new attitude seems to have helped me markedly, and I do feel more in control for some reason.
Oh god, I do still love N. I am feeling a little disheartened though because today she asked how I felt about teaching her the guitar. I replied and said ok, asked a few questions, etc, which she didn't reply to. This was about 12.30-1pm. Then I sent her another text at 9.30 or so asking her why she never replies to texts, and saying I'd teach her if she set up a standing order to pay back the money she owes me.
She immediately replied and asked me to call her. I called her 10 mins later after I had put the shopping away, and she said she hadn't written back because she'd been driving for 7 hours back from Scotland. She said she had left at 3 though, so she had time.
Still, I give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she usually never replies to my texts (I think mainly because she doesn't like spending money texting me unless it's for something she wants). So, pretty soon she says she has to go, and I say I will speak to her online, and unblock her after I have eaten. She doesn't log in though, and a text from me later receives no response.
So there we go, once she has what she wants, away she is gone again. Or perhaps asleep, if I give her more benefit of the doubt. I wonder why I bother. I probably should just tell her I don't want to see her, because I feel like if I hadn't sent her the flowers and chocolates and things on her birthday and told her I loved her, she wouldn't feel like she could ask something of me. I do care about her, and I like spending time with her, but I feel like she tries to get things out of me, and it's about what she wants rather than actually just spending time with me. I wish she'd try to understand my feelings a bit more, and understand things from my point of view.
Anyway, as it turns out G, the guy she was into, she's suddenly not into anymore. He told her he didn't want to see her anymore, because apparently he wasn't ok with sharing her with other guys after all. Surprise, surprise. I think if she honestly wants to find a guy who is ok with that, then it will have to be just sex, or a guy who is genuinely not very nice.
What sort of nice guy is really ok with that? He was saying it because it was what she needed, and he hoped she'd choose to be with him if he gave her time. A couple of months seems long enough to be honest! I think he did well to put up with it for as long as he did.
However, she's already found a couple of guys to replace him - L and a guy from Northampton. L seems like another nice bloke. I wish she'd either just pick one guy to go out with, or start dating nasty blokes. It's so unfair to hurt the guys who really don't deserve it. She's not being fair at all. Just pick someone N, and give them a chance instead of treating them like rental videos that you can take out all at once, and take back one at a time once the cost gets too high. Some of them she probably takes back without even watching them. She doesn't seem to have any idea what she wants.
But still, I love her. And still I wish she'd pick me. I have so much to offer. I guess she's never really seen that though.
I have had a flood of interest from match.com recently, actually lots of really attractive girls have been winking at me and sending me messages, and I think I ought to be able to move on. But the one girl I was really into, A, just told me today she's got back together with her ex-boyfriend. Great.
At least she was nice enough to be really honest with me about it. Which is good. And I was nice back, and polite. Although to be honest, I was a bit upset. Still, there are other fish in the sea (or so I am told). She was probably too nice for me anyway. It does feel like once I start to get close to girls and open up though, they run a mile. I hadn't got so far as telling her much about myself though. I just felt like I could trust her, or learn to trust her, which is a hard thing for me to get to with most women.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
Diminished By Internal Weakness
Well, I've been in Boston for a couple of enjoyable days, and am currently waiting for a flight to Newark, New Jersey where my friend E is going to meet me at the airport. It's an hour late or so, but I think I just saw the plane taxiing in.
I've come to realise the last few days that I still very much love N, and I keep trying to replace her, but it's not working and no one will be her. I wish to god (whom I don't believe in) that things had been different. Her blog says 'I am not into him' in one of her recent entries. It reminds me of something N's friend (the other N) said a few days ago. We 'don't like men who are diminished by internal or external weakness'. She meant she wanted marines, but in this case, I am definitely 'diminished by internal weakness'. It's a big killer for attraction I think. She might be a complete bitch, but she's right none the less.
I could give her what she needs and wants if she let me. Still, I am 3000 miles away. I'll see what happens in a few months. Maybe I'll stop loving her. God, I hope so. There goes my call for the flight. Time to head off somewhere new and exciting. What will the next few days hold? Things never cease to be interesting...
I've come to realise the last few days that I still very much love N, and I keep trying to replace her, but it's not working and no one will be her. I wish to god (whom I don't believe in) that things had been different. Her blog says 'I am not into him' in one of her recent entries. It reminds me of something N's friend (the other N) said a few days ago. We 'don't like men who are diminished by internal or external weakness'. She meant she wanted marines, but in this case, I am definitely 'diminished by internal weakness'. It's a big killer for attraction I think. She might be a complete bitch, but she's right none the less.
I could give her what she needs and wants if she let me. Still, I am 3000 miles away. I'll see what happens in a few months. Maybe I'll stop loving her. God, I hope so. There goes my call for the flight. Time to head off somewhere new and exciting. What will the next few days hold? Things never cease to be interesting...
Friday, 2 January 2009
Tough Day
Last night caused some problems - new year's eve is generally a bad night for me every year. This year was no exception. There was huge amounts of tension all day because N was really worked up about the girl she was into. I was being as supportive as I could be, even though I felt massively arkward about it. I felt like she was ashamed of her past with me, so I wasn't allowed to mention how I knew her. When L asked me, I just gave vague answer about meeting on the internet. J seemed to think N was being a bit silly about the whole thing. Why she can't just like 'her for her' is a mystery to everyone. Everything felt forced like a huge worked up job, rather than a fun night.
I am feeling a little left out of the whole gay thing - N has this weird attitude about it, like nearly all girls are gay, and she can get whatever she wants. I don't mind either way, it just feels like I'm being given a hard time for being her ex. Whatever, I don't feel ashamed of my past. If she does, it's her issue.
That aside we all were having a great time after leaving L's and going to see some bands at a club. We all had a lot to drink and I was perhaps a little over zealous in supplying alcohol to everyone. It was all good fun and I am glad I got out of L's house. No one seemed to have the faintest clue that it was obviously weird for me, having N court a girl in front of me. I was happy to swallow my pride and try to be a friend, but obviously being in the situation was weirder than I imagined it to be.
Later I thought S was hitting at me at the club, she was posing in very sexy ways for the photos I took, dancing and flirting, touching me in affectionate ways, and making sure I saw her coming onto guys and things. I was ok with this, but I basically ignored her affections because I knew she was drunk and wasn't really interested in me. Later she denied that she was coming on to me at all. Ok, that could be true, and I was happy to assume that she wasn't, and I was mistaken. However, when the facebook pics went up, she was suddenly really upset about it. I don't know why. She has some story about B and N being able to see them. I think the real issue is that she looks pretty damn flirty in the pics. Earlier that evening, she had basically said that she was perfectly happy to have flirty pics of her and me go up on facebook and have N and B see them. Obviously not today.
I flirted a lot with most of the girls at some point. For some reason I am being given a hard time about this today, when yesterday it was perfectly fine. I think S being upset about things has changed a lot.
What all went wrong is when I started crying last night. I didn't want to have S talk to me about it, I just wanted to be left alone, but she kept pushing and pushing me. I was crying in the bathroom - I had locked the door because I was using the toilet. As I was about to come out, I got upset and started crying. Mainly because of all the confusing feelings I had been dealing with the whole day, and the difficulty I was having with them.
Not only did I have issues because I thought S was hitting on me in the club, but I had a couple hit on me. Yes, a girl started flirting with me, and I thought she was hot, then suddenly this guy shows up, and asks me if I thought she was attractive, and I say 'yes'. Then he starts telling me they both want to go home with me. I let him buy me a drink and then ran away sharpish when I realised there was no way I could deal with the situation. I felt pretty weird by that point, and entirely confused about the sexual signals from everyone. I apparently hit on all the girls that night, although I saw it as flirting, and certainly said nothing particularly to that regard.
After I got upset last night, S had an argument with me and started giving me a hard time about getting upset. I felt like I was being attacked for making her feel guilty, and that hurt more. I kept telling her to leave me alone over and over, and that I would be fine, and she kept pushing. I told her she was making it about her - she was - she took personal offence at me being upset. There was so much drama though - endless drama about J too, who had gone back into the club as we were leaving to find a guy she'd been eyeing up. As it turned out, she had lost her phone, so no one could get hold of her.
I think S being worried about me crying on top of that situation made things a lot worse for her. But I kept telling her over and over that I wasn't blaming her for anything, and it had just been an emotional night for me. It didn't seem to get through though, and we argued to the point where I said I would leave tomorrow. She said she wanted me out the house. God knows how it got to that from me being upset - I accused her of absolutely nothing and was accepting responsibility for the way I was feeling and my actions.
At some point I called N and apparently professed my love to her. It was certainly in a platonic way because I remember calling her because I was worried about her, and she didn't listen to the whole message before deleting it. But since I can't actually remember what I said, it's hard to know to be honest. What annoyed me though was that when she showed up this morning, she announced to the whole house what I had said, rather than discussing it with me one to one. That goes on top of the quip she made about 'scars on the inside' the other day, and then later this evening that I needed to 'man up'. I am really sick of taking that shit from women. I felt like saying 'how dare you' since she has been incredibly self-absorbed and insensitive to everyone around her since I got here on Sunday (not just me - she's upsetting most of her friends).
I am quickly realising that this is going to descend into a great deal of drama. There are lots of things going on here which are too complicated to deal with - and clearly me being around is not helping the already large issues that the girls seem to be having. I am sick of being in the middle of things - I feel quite victimised and I don't want to justify that to myself, or play that role. I just want to be able to do a positive action to try to get out of here. Before things get worse. I don't want to be a scapegoat for the complex feelings that everyone seems to have, and at the moment it seems I have set myself up to be in that position.
I am happy to accept that I have caused issues, and I have apologised to S for what happened last night. She said that 'there are no hard feelings'. Obviously that's not true at all, as she went over to her parents tonight. This morning she was fine with me, and this evening everything seemed different. Women. Nutcase women everywhere.
I am feeling a little left out of the whole gay thing - N has this weird attitude about it, like nearly all girls are gay, and she can get whatever she wants. I don't mind either way, it just feels like I'm being given a hard time for being her ex. Whatever, I don't feel ashamed of my past. If she does, it's her issue.
That aside we all were having a great time after leaving L's and going to see some bands at a club. We all had a lot to drink and I was perhaps a little over zealous in supplying alcohol to everyone. It was all good fun and I am glad I got out of L's house. No one seemed to have the faintest clue that it was obviously weird for me, having N court a girl in front of me. I was happy to swallow my pride and try to be a friend, but obviously being in the situation was weirder than I imagined it to be.
Later I thought S was hitting at me at the club, she was posing in very sexy ways for the photos I took, dancing and flirting, touching me in affectionate ways, and making sure I saw her coming onto guys and things. I was ok with this, but I basically ignored her affections because I knew she was drunk and wasn't really interested in me. Later she denied that she was coming on to me at all. Ok, that could be true, and I was happy to assume that she wasn't, and I was mistaken. However, when the facebook pics went up, she was suddenly really upset about it. I don't know why. She has some story about B and N being able to see them. I think the real issue is that she looks pretty damn flirty in the pics. Earlier that evening, she had basically said that she was perfectly happy to have flirty pics of her and me go up on facebook and have N and B see them. Obviously not today.
I flirted a lot with most of the girls at some point. For some reason I am being given a hard time about this today, when yesterday it was perfectly fine. I think S being upset about things has changed a lot.
What all went wrong is when I started crying last night. I didn't want to have S talk to me about it, I just wanted to be left alone, but she kept pushing and pushing me. I was crying in the bathroom - I had locked the door because I was using the toilet. As I was about to come out, I got upset and started crying. Mainly because of all the confusing feelings I had been dealing with the whole day, and the difficulty I was having with them.
Not only did I have issues because I thought S was hitting on me in the club, but I had a couple hit on me. Yes, a girl started flirting with me, and I thought she was hot, then suddenly this guy shows up, and asks me if I thought she was attractive, and I say 'yes'. Then he starts telling me they both want to go home with me. I let him buy me a drink and then ran away sharpish when I realised there was no way I could deal with the situation. I felt pretty weird by that point, and entirely confused about the sexual signals from everyone. I apparently hit on all the girls that night, although I saw it as flirting, and certainly said nothing particularly to that regard.
After I got upset last night, S had an argument with me and started giving me a hard time about getting upset. I felt like I was being attacked for making her feel guilty, and that hurt more. I kept telling her to leave me alone over and over, and that I would be fine, and she kept pushing. I told her she was making it about her - she was - she took personal offence at me being upset. There was so much drama though - endless drama about J too, who had gone back into the club as we were leaving to find a guy she'd been eyeing up. As it turned out, she had lost her phone, so no one could get hold of her.
I think S being worried about me crying on top of that situation made things a lot worse for her. But I kept telling her over and over that I wasn't blaming her for anything, and it had just been an emotional night for me. It didn't seem to get through though, and we argued to the point where I said I would leave tomorrow. She said she wanted me out the house. God knows how it got to that from me being upset - I accused her of absolutely nothing and was accepting responsibility for the way I was feeling and my actions.
At some point I called N and apparently professed my love to her. It was certainly in a platonic way because I remember calling her because I was worried about her, and she didn't listen to the whole message before deleting it. But since I can't actually remember what I said, it's hard to know to be honest. What annoyed me though was that when she showed up this morning, she announced to the whole house what I had said, rather than discussing it with me one to one. That goes on top of the quip she made about 'scars on the inside' the other day, and then later this evening that I needed to 'man up'. I am really sick of taking that shit from women. I felt like saying 'how dare you' since she has been incredibly self-absorbed and insensitive to everyone around her since I got here on Sunday (not just me - she's upsetting most of her friends).
I am quickly realising that this is going to descend into a great deal of drama. There are lots of things going on here which are too complicated to deal with - and clearly me being around is not helping the already large issues that the girls seem to be having. I am sick of being in the middle of things - I feel quite victimised and I don't want to justify that to myself, or play that role. I just want to be able to do a positive action to try to get out of here. Before things get worse. I don't want to be a scapegoat for the complex feelings that everyone seems to have, and at the moment it seems I have set myself up to be in that position.
I am happy to accept that I have caused issues, and I have apologised to S for what happened last night. She said that 'there are no hard feelings'. Obviously that's not true at all, as she went over to her parents tonight. This morning she was fine with me, and this evening everything seemed different. Women. Nutcase women everywhere.
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