Stranger

I feel a bit like a stranger today, like I am looking at myself in a different light.

I was speaking to S about things yesterday, and about she felt about me and vice versa, and how she is since going back to Greece, and I couldn't work out why she was upset with me. Like I completely couldn't recall it.

And she left, and I sent her an email asking what is was about. And then she replied today and told me all the hurtful things I had said about her on here and online. Then I read back on what I put, and I couldn't believe how venomous I'd been, and where all the anger and negativity had come from. It was scary to think I could have forgotten feeling that way, or had that sort of crazy love/hate splitting about her.

It was two weeks ago, and I have been abroad and seen lots of different people since then, but I don't quite understand why I was that upset with her. It's scary, and I am worried for my sanity.

I felt pretty productive at work today, then my parents came round for dinner, and it was nice to see them and chat to them. I think I may stop drinking for awhile. I seem to get quite angry and emotional sometimes when I've had a few drinks (not a huge amount, maybe half a bottle of wine). That seems to be when I get so strange and react so dramatically to rejection. I need to chill out and take things one step at a time. I don't know how to start becoming a more mellow, less irritable person though. I seem to have a big bitterness issue, like I have been wronged, and I can't get past it. I hope I start to feel better about things soon.

On the brightside, I feel my relationships with women are starting to improve. Hanging around all those girls for the last couple of weeks does seem to have helped me in some way. I actually had an emotive conversation with N today without it ending in an argument. Which is new.