Love and Hope

I've learnt a lot about myself in the past few days. I spent £200 on a woman I barely knew, she stole £10 from me yesterday morning, and wouldn't leave me alone. I practically had to kick her out my house as she latched onto me immediately. It was not a good situation, and she was not a nice person, and I realised that there are limits to what I will put up with from people. I felt justified, and felt like I had been the best person I could have been in the situation.

I made a lot of effort to see that she was safe, I called the women's aid and put her in contact with them, had her door repaired and gave her as much advice as I could. She didn't respect my feelings, or listen to my requests, and asked for more and more.

I am forgetting about her as quickly as I can. In the future I shall be trusting strangers a lot less, and being less open with my feelings until I recognise I can really trust them.

Today I cried when President Obama was inaugurated. I felt so happy, about Bush going, and about the things he said in his speech. I felt genuine hope, and faith that someone who is intelligent and principled has been put in that position. I believe he'll bring real change if he wants to, because he seems to genuinely have the integrity and will it takes. I hope he follows through with his promises.

Later I told N I loved her again. I told her I want her to be happy with G though, who she has just entered into a real relationship with. I do want her to be happy. I am cut up and torn apart by it though. I guess I feel better about things than I have for a long time. But I feel like I am less of a man than him. I feel inferior.

I guess I just have to keep trying to move on, keep searching for the meaning, and someone to trust with my heart. Someone who's really the one I can be with.

In the meantime, I plan to have sexual relations with whoever passes my way. I think I have earned the privilege of some guilt free sex for awhile. I don't want to hurt anyone, just have some fun.

I keep thinking about the tattoo I am planning to get. I need a design to take to a tattoo artist. I really want to go ahead with it. I feel like it will be a mark of who I am, and what I have been through and survived.