Last night caused some problems - new year's eve is generally a bad night for me every year. This year was no exception. There was huge amounts of tension all day because N was really worked up about the girl she was into. I was being as supportive as I could be, even though I felt massively arkward about it. I felt like she was ashamed of her past with me, so I wasn't allowed to mention how I knew her. When L asked me, I just gave vague answer about meeting on the internet. J seemed to think N was being a bit silly about the whole thing. Why she can't just like 'her for her' is a mystery to everyone. Everything felt forced like a huge worked up job, rather than a fun night.
I am feeling a little left out of the whole gay thing - N has this weird attitude about it, like nearly all girls are gay, and she can get whatever she wants. I don't mind either way, it just feels like I'm being given a hard time for being her ex. Whatever, I don't feel ashamed of my past. If she does, it's her issue.
That aside we all were having a great time after leaving L's and going to see some bands at a club. We all had a lot to drink and I was perhaps a little over zealous in supplying alcohol to everyone. It was all good fun and I am glad I got out of L's house. No one seemed to have the faintest clue that it was obviously weird for me, having N court a girl in front of me. I was happy to swallow my pride and try to be a friend, but obviously being in the situation was weirder than I imagined it to be.
Later I thought S was hitting at me at the club, she was posing in very sexy ways for the photos I took, dancing and flirting, touching me in affectionate ways, and making sure I saw her coming onto guys and things. I was ok with this, but I basically ignored her affections because I knew she was drunk and wasn't really interested in me. Later she denied that she was coming on to me at all. Ok, that could be true, and I was happy to assume that she wasn't, and I was mistaken. However, when the facebook pics went up, she was suddenly really upset about it. I don't know why. She has some story about B and N being able to see them. I think the real issue is that she looks pretty damn flirty in the pics. Earlier that evening, she had basically said that she was perfectly happy to have flirty pics of her and me go up on facebook and have N and B see them. Obviously not today.
I flirted a lot with most of the girls at some point. For some reason I am being given a hard time about this today, when yesterday it was perfectly fine. I think S being upset about things has changed a lot.
What all went wrong is when I started crying last night. I didn't want to have S talk to me about it, I just wanted to be left alone, but she kept pushing and pushing me. I was crying in the bathroom - I had locked the door because I was using the toilet. As I was about to come out, I got upset and started crying. Mainly because of all the confusing feelings I had been dealing with the whole day, and the difficulty I was having with them.
Not only did I have issues because I thought S was hitting on me in the club, but I had a couple hit on me. Yes, a girl started flirting with me, and I thought she was hot, then suddenly this guy shows up, and asks me if I thought she was attractive, and I say 'yes'. Then he starts telling me they both want to go home with me. I let him buy me a drink and then ran away sharpish when I realised there was no way I could deal with the situation. I felt pretty weird by that point, and entirely confused about the sexual signals from everyone. I apparently hit on all the girls that night, although I saw it as flirting, and certainly said nothing particularly to that regard.
After I got upset last night, S had an argument with me and started giving me a hard time about getting upset. I felt like I was being attacked for making her feel guilty, and that hurt more. I kept telling her to leave me alone over and over, and that I would be fine, and she kept pushing. I told her she was making it about her - she was - she took personal offence at me being upset. There was so much drama though - endless drama about J too, who had gone back into the club as we were leaving to find a guy she'd been eyeing up. As it turned out, she had lost her phone, so no one could get hold of her.
I think S being worried about me crying on top of that situation made things a lot worse for her. But I kept telling her over and over that I wasn't blaming her for anything, and it had just been an emotional night for me. It didn't seem to get through though, and we argued to the point where I said I would leave tomorrow. She said she wanted me out the house. God knows how it got to that from me being upset - I accused her of absolutely nothing and was accepting responsibility for the way I was feeling and my actions.
At some point I called N and apparently professed my love to her. It was certainly in a platonic way because I remember calling her because I was worried about her, and she didn't listen to the whole message before deleting it. But since I can't actually remember what I said, it's hard to know to be honest. What annoyed me though was that when she showed up this morning, she announced to the whole house what I had said, rather than discussing it with me one to one. That goes on top of the quip she made about 'scars on the inside' the other day, and then later this evening that I needed to 'man up'. I am really sick of taking that shit from women. I felt like saying 'how dare you' since she has been incredibly self-absorbed and insensitive to everyone around her since I got here on Sunday (not just me - she's upsetting most of her friends).
I am quickly realising that this is going to descend into a great deal of drama. There are lots of things going on here which are too complicated to deal with - and clearly me being around is not helping the already large issues that the girls seem to be having. I am sick of being in the middle of things - I feel quite victimised and I don't want to justify that to myself, or play that role. I just want to be able to do a positive action to try to get out of here. Before things get worse. I don't want to be a scapegoat for the complex feelings that everyone seems to have, and at the moment it seems I have set myself up to be in that position.
I am happy to accept that I have caused issues, and I have apologised to S for what happened last night. She said that 'there are no hard feelings'. Obviously that's not true at all, as she went over to her parents tonight. This morning she was fine with me, and this evening everything seemed different. Women. Nutcase women everywhere.
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