Home is where the heart is. I suppose.

I am back in the UK after some very enjoyable time in New Jersey. E was a wonderful friend, and just how I remember her - kind, caring and funny. I had a lot of fun with her and her girlfriend M, who is pretty dry and sarcastic. She's kind too though. I think I have made a few new friends and I feel really glad I went to see them. I enjoyed seeing NYC again, and I really liked where they lived in Jersey City. I didn't want to leave, I was beginning to feel very at home, and happy with the people I was with.

So, on Thursday night I went out for pizza with the girls, and we were meant to go for a drink after, but E wasn't feeling well (it turned out she has the flu). I decided (maybe two beers talking) that I was fine going to this bar by myself, which was pretty much a gay bar. Yes, for the first time, by myself. What was I thinking?

After a vacuous, self-absorbed stereotype named Ronan tried to chat me up, bought me drinks and went on about designer clothes for an hour (I really thought they were actually filming Ugly Betty), my night wasn't going too great. It took the bartender, a girl in the bar, me giving him my email address, and disappearing to the toilet to get him to leave me alone. Seriously. No wonder straight guys are scared of gay men. Jesus.

Anyway, I made friends with this hot black girl called Hazel who was there with her boyfriend. She was bi, but sadly her boyfriend wasn't. He was hot. Anyhow, the bartender bought me a couple of Jameson's after that to 'make up' for my bad experience, and then I was being fed beer for the rest of the night. I was really drunk by this point, got talking to a Chinese guy called A. I basically asked him to come back to my hotel with me. Oh man.

Anyway, I kind of wish I hadn't hit on someone when I was drunk. He wasn't very attractive at all. Agghhh. But once we got back, I was pretty forward, to say the least. I've never been that forward with a girl before. My god. Anyway, I was pretty much dirty as hell, and then basically wanted him to leave afterwards. He was totally selfish, and didn't really give me a lot in return...

So...I had my first sexual experience with a man. The kissing freaked me out a bit. Feeling someone's stubble against me felt odd and not very affectionate. Is it really a good idea to write it on my blog? Oh man. Still...it put me off a bit. So much so that I didn't flirt with this guy J who came round the next day and was one of E's friends. He was actually good looking and fun. Still, not to be too hard on A. It was totally my own doing. The next day I felt hyper hetrosexual and really wanted to be with a girl. So yeah, wrong time for J. I kind of wish I'd met him the previous night.

The good thing is, I feel a lot less scared of the idea now. I am ok with being attracted to men in a sexual way, and I don't feel the need to develop it any more. Maybe I'll start feeling less uncomfortable about male friendships again now. I pretty much realised I am having a big issue with my masculinity. I think some of that might be to do with being uncomfortable with myself and who I am emotionally and sexually. I need to learn to deal with it, and stop giving a fuck if people think I am acting 'gay' or whatever. This new attitude seems to have helped me markedly, and I do feel more in control for some reason.


Oh god, I do still love N. I am feeling a little disheartened though because today she asked how I felt about teaching her the guitar. I replied and said ok, asked a few questions, etc, which she didn't reply to. This was about 12.30-1pm. Then I sent her another text at 9.30 or so asking her why she never replies to texts, and saying I'd teach her if she set up a standing order to pay back the money she owes me.

She immediately replied and asked me to call her. I called her 10 mins later after I had put the shopping away, and she said she hadn't written back because she'd been driving for 7 hours back from Scotland. She said she had left at 3 though, so she had time.

Still, I give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she usually never replies to my texts (I think mainly because she doesn't like spending money texting me unless it's for something she wants). So, pretty soon she says she has to go, and I say I will speak to her online, and unblock her after I have eaten. She doesn't log in though, and a text from me later receives no response.

So there we go, once she has what she wants, away she is gone again. Or perhaps asleep, if I give her more benefit of the doubt. I wonder why I bother. I probably should just tell her I don't want to see her, because I feel like if I hadn't sent her the flowers and chocolates and things on her birthday and told her I loved her, she wouldn't feel like she could ask something of me. I do care about her, and I like spending time with her, but I feel like she tries to get things out of me, and it's about what she wants rather than actually just spending time with me. I wish she'd try to understand my feelings a bit more, and understand things from my point of view.

Anyway, as it turns out G, the guy she was into, she's suddenly not into anymore. He told her he didn't want to see her anymore, because apparently he wasn't ok with sharing her with other guys after all. Surprise, surprise. I think if she honestly wants to find a guy who is ok with that, then it will have to be just sex, or a guy who is genuinely not very nice.

What sort of nice guy is really ok with that? He was saying it because it was what she needed, and he hoped she'd choose to be with him if he gave her time. A couple of months seems long enough to be honest! I think he did well to put up with it for as long as he did.

However, she's already found a couple of guys to replace him - L and a guy from Northampton. L seems like another nice bloke. I wish she'd either just pick one guy to go out with, or start dating nasty blokes. It's so unfair to hurt the guys who really don't deserve it. She's not being fair at all. Just pick someone N, and give them a chance instead of treating them like rental videos that you can take out all at once, and take back one at a time once the cost gets too high. Some of them she probably takes back without even watching them. She doesn't seem to have any idea what she wants.

But still, I love her. And still I wish she'd pick me. I have so much to offer. I guess she's never really seen that though.

I have had a flood of interest from match.com recently, actually lots of really attractive girls have been winking at me and sending me messages, and I think I ought to be able to move on. But the one girl I was really into, A, just told me today she's got back together with her ex-boyfriend. Great.

At least she was nice enough to be really honest with me about it. Which is good. And I was nice back, and polite. Although to be honest, I was a bit upset. Still, there are other fish in the sea (or so I am told). She was probably too nice for me anyway. It does feel like once I start to get close to girls and open up though, they run a mile. I hadn't got so far as telling her much about myself though. I just felt like I could trust her, or learn to trust her, which is a hard thing for me to get to with most women.