Cuddles and Jealousy

I had a good and bad day today. It started off well, and I was positive. I went to see N this morning, and I actually cried in happiness when I was cuddling with her. I am so, so in love with her and I really think it will last between us, despite some of the problems we've been having lately.

Then later I had a swim and things, and started to feel down.

I was really pleased to find out that I will be ok to go back to work part time. This didn't lift my mood as much as I thought it would though. I don't know why.

Later I started to get paranoid about N. She said she'd been talking to an old friend, and I decided to believe it was a boy, and she was interested in him too. I made it all up in my head. I am so insecure at the moment, and I keep getting deep pangs of jealousy when I am away from N. The weird thing is I don't feel the same way when I am with her.

I trust her, but I have a big trust issue with women. I don't trust women at all, I have never truly trusted a woman with my heart and am constantly scared about losing her. It drives me mad that I feel this way, but I don't know what I can do about it.

I am so scared of her cheating on me right now, and it's completely irrational. I don't know where I get the idea from, other than that she has lots of male friends.

I need some therapy to sort out my head. I don't know what to do exactly though. God.