This Again

Me and N have been having some problems and some bad arguments. I think she is about to break up with me. She says she loves me but she isn't ready for a relationship. And it's killing me that I was being so demanding of her when she has obviously slipped into a deep depression. I feel shitty for asking stuff of her that she told me she couldn't give, and I am now so scared I will lose her.

I made a bag of pills and I looked at it for a few minutes because I don't know if I will be able to take this rejection again. And I know just like before that it is bad because I am in a calm, almost psychotic state. I don't want to be helped, I want her not to leave me. I love her so much, and she says she loves me too, so it is senseless. I can't tell her this. It is too hard for her.

I don't know what to say to her.

I don't know what to say to anyone.

It seems to have come to this again without me noticing. The hard thing is that I have learnt how people will respond from last time, and it doesn't matter. I will try again and I will succeed this time. Or I will seek help. But I don't know how to ask for it.