The Crux

I have today been able to analyse my feelings more than I have for months and months. I am trying to untangle them into seperate components, trying to understand why I feel pain, and where the pain is coming from.

I seem to have two seperate problems. My depression has got very bad, this has damaged the way that I am recovering from disapointments and knock backs, and the way that I view the future.

The second problem is that I feel heartbroken, from the loss of me and N's relationship.

When I begin to rationalise it, it seems clear that although I am bound to hurt from what happened with N, the circumstances aren't nearly as bad as my subconscious mind seems to be making out.

I realise that the thing deep down which is hurting me, is what I feel is the loss of identity, and the future that I wanted subconsciously. I wanted to have a family with her, to help raise her kids, and to be in a committed relationship. When these started slipping away, instead of being satisfied with what she was comfortable with, and backing off as she asked, I had to push harder to make up for my own self-esteem issues.

This wouldn't have been a problem earlier in the year, because our lives were still seperate, and although I was depressed, it wasn't of this nature, and feels different to the way I have been feeling lately.

Once I started to lose her, I reacted to everything with extreme negativity. This made situations much worse, made me paranoid and jealous, and made me upset about things that I needed not be upset about. She still craved the casual relationship we had before, and I kept pushing for more. But there never would have been enough, however close to her I was. I was trying to use my closeness to her to make up for my other problems, and the fading enjoyment I was getting from life. I thought the fading pleasures of life I felt were because of our relationship problems. But they weren't.

Now I am without her, the depression is much worse, because I still fail to enjoy other things in my life, so her being missing is all the more evident. I am trying to learn to seperate what are issues about my life, and what are issues to do with heartbreak. If I can learn to love myself, and the other parts of my life again, then I can put things in perspective, and start to recover my self-esteem.

It sounds so simple when I have moments of clarity like this. And I realise that I have linked my self-esteem to her being around so closely. Because she has been so supportive to me in some really difficult moments, when she's not around, I feel like I can't cope. I know that I must be able to, because I have been able to in the past, but because she has helped me so much, I see her as my savior, not my friend or ex-girlfriend.

Putting her on a pedestal like this has made me feel like I am losing my entire soul. It's not just about love - I love her, but I am obsessed with her, and expect her to be able to fix me. It would never happen, however close we were. I realise this now, and I hope I will continue to remember it, because it really is the crux of the issue, and the key to my recovery.

I think if I could stay stable for a few weeks, it might make the world of difference to me. I can see a path to recovery now, and although it is shadowy, the idea of being able to be a friend to her, a real friend, not someone unstable and needy, is important to me. And I want to be able to get back there. I want to be able to make jokes, laugh around her, and feel confident.

It's been almost two weeks. I expect the heartache to get better soon. The jealousy has almost completely faded the last couple of days, and the paranoia has definately gone. Now I realise what the problems are, maybe I can start moving towards solving them.

I still crave her in my chest. But the thing is, I could see her if I wanted to. She wants to see me. It's not her company I am craving, it's something else much more abstract, it's love for life, it's confidence to do things and be able to enjoy them, and the meaning I need to feel in life. None of these are things that she can give me, so why do I keep expecting her to be able to? She can't fix my self esteem, and at the moment has her own self-esteem issues to worry about.

Why I couldn't see this before, I don't know. But I see it now, and I know how to make it better. I know how to fix me.

I hope soon we'll be able to enjoy things together the way we used to.

I am ready to start fighting for myself, and I don't need anyone else in my corner. It's my fight, and no one else's. I know I can do this.