Bad Evening

This evening I was feeling very low. I spent the last two nights with N. When I left her's this evening the kids were there, and this seemed to trigger something in me.

I got out to the car and started crying. I wasn't ready to leave. So I went back in and tried to talk about it. She said 'you are expecting me to fix you'. But I wasn't, I just hate leaving. At the moment it triggers these horrible abandonment issues. For some reason leaving her and the kids was worse. I think I have a lot of issues regarding how involved I have got with them, without feeling any security in the relationship anymore, so I feel sort of like I am losing a family, not just a girlfriend.

I don't suppose N thinks that much about it anymore, she is moving on at rapid pace, and I am still a week behind. She wants to see other guys, it is obvious, and she doesn't tell me, but she is bored of me. I want to see her, and when she doesn't seem interested in me anymore I want to run away and hide in a dark hole.

So I decided a few days ago that I needed to get away to clear my head and see some new surroundings. I am interested in going to Hay-on-Wye which is a little town in Wales they call a book town. Lots of bookstores and countryside to walk in, which seems ideal.

I had sex with N last night. The sex was really good, but it felt a bit cold afterwards. She has felt cold to me recently. I think soon she will tell me what is really happening. But I need to be prepared to hear that she doesn't love me or want me back. I don't know if either of those are true, but I need to be able to take them.

I keep falling apart when I see her. I went through her MSN conversations again last night and confronted her about some stuff. It wasn't good, and she didn't react well. I promised I would never snoop again and I really meant it. I feel shitty for doing it, and it seems to be down to the almost constant stress and anxiety I seem to be feeling at the moment.

It was painful reading her conversations to the potato farmer about sex, and some of the hurtful things she said about me in it. I believed her partly when she said she didn't really mean it, but I know she is being nicer to me than she really feels. I think if she doesn't already resent and hate me then she will soon.

I have lost all faith in her wanting me back. I don't give her what she wants and needs without strings, and she is not interested in compromising her needs for anyone right now. And I need looking after. She can't do that for me, so I will either need to learn to look after myself, or fall onto a passing stranger. I think the first is really the only option.

I am beginning to believe that there are women out there who wouldn't mess me around, and want to sleep with other guys, and would really want me for me, rather than someone they thought I was. Women who would just hug me when I needed it and show me love, without feeling like I was violating their freedom somehow. I don't really ask a lot, but faithfulness and loyalty are important to me. Maybe one day I can have those from N. But I don't know when that will be, if ever. I need to start letting her go. She's writhing to break free of me.

I still hope she will come back to me. But I don't think I can put my faith and future plans in that basket anymore. It could break me even more. I need to get well and enjoy the person I am, with her or without her. And I need time to myself to do that.