Trashed Hearts

The pain I thought I was beginning to find the end of was ramped up again today when N insisted on asking me whether I wanted to know about her dates or not. I was having a shitty morning, and after I heard about her now being attracted to the two guys that she wasn't previously attracted to, I completely lost my concentration and had to stop working. I have started to feel suicidal again. She says all this stuff about not wanting a relationship, but she will be in one by the end of the year. She gravitates towards people who look after her. And in this case the man has a daughter (something she has always wanted). He is nice to her, so she will try and make things work. She says she just wants company and fun, but she isn't that sort of girl. She has barely even started to become independent yet.

There is another guy as well, probably an equally caring one, who again, will look after her (he is cooking her dinner on Saturday). So, as much as she says she wants to look after herself, she loves the attention she gets from men.

I am sick of feeding her love and care, and getting nothing back but hurt. So I have to give up. She hurt me so much today, and I am sick of putting in and in and in and not receiving back in return. The poor guys are going to end up with their hearts trashed at the end of this. No one and nothing will stand in the way of what she wants at the moment.

I still feel like she is the one. And every time she takes a step away from me, I realise that even if she is my 'one', she will not see me that way. She will refuse to, however I treated her, and however well our relationship was going.

I was a convenience, a caring guy when she needed one. And she sucked it all out of me, and will begin to start on someone else now. She'll give at the start, until you love her. After that, things change.