Wakey Wakey

Again, I wake up at 5.15, worrying. For some reason today, things are different, and I actually worry about my breakup with E for awhile, thinking about how much that hurt, and realising that that was the time I first knew I wanted a family. Nothing ever would have happened between us, and although it hurt a lot, it is nothing compared to how much N has knocked me. But it's part of the puzzle I think. If I add all the broken hearts up, there are a lot.

First there was E. We'll call her Eliza.

Eliza was the first girl I had seen for sometime. She saw our relationship as a bit of fun, she was married and she fancied sleeping with me. We had a short affair and went to Amsterdam for a weekend. Her husband found out when she left her phone in the car, and he saw my texts to her. It hurt but it was good we broke up. I still feel bad for getting involved with her. It was bad for her and her family.

I started dating after that, I met a couple of girls. There was Sarah, who I went on a couple of dates with, and Erica. Sarah and I got on quite well and she seemed interested. But I thought she was a bit intense and neurotic (I mean, I am an intense person, but she was something else). It didn't go well after she kissed me, and I told her I had another date with someone else the next day... Yes, I know, that was royally stupid and hurtful.

Erica was different, very self assured and relaxed. We had been flirting a lot before we met, and when we met in a pub, we sat in the car park in the pub afterwards, and I told her I wanted her. We kissed. I (completely uncharacteristically) told her I wanted to sleep with her right now. There was a lot of tension, and she agreed. She drove her car home, got in my car and we went back to my place and had sex. Which was basically what our relationship consisted of, rough dirty sex, and lots of it. I started to get attached to her though, and once I asked her to be my girlfriend things went bad. She broke up with me after less than 24 hours, and things weren't the same after that. I got to close and she didn't want anything but sex from me. She went off with a guy with an Audi TT. That was settling for her - an Aston Martin would have been better. Shallow bitch.

Then there was CJ. I met her on match.com. She interiged me. I knew she was dangerous when I first met her, but I had a lot of self-esteem at the time. I thought I could dip my toe in and not get hurt. She started stripping on webcam on the first time we chatted. It freaked me out but I liked it. I guessed she was an escort, and she brought it up before we went out. Was it an issue? Not really, except for the sex thing at that time. It would become an issue later. We went out, and got on well. She was hot, really really hot, and I couldn't quite believe she was interested in me. She has a striking resembelance to Billie Piper. And so we had a meal just in a pub, and chatted. She confessed that she wanted to sleep with me. But not tonight, because she isn't a first date girl, she has standards. Which was ironic - the escort doesn't sleep with me on the first date, but my previous date does. So, that kind of made me more intrigued.

We dated for about 3 months. She expressed more and more love and care for me at the start. She lavished compilments on me, she would do anything for me, in or out of bed, she made me feel like I was an amazing lover and boyfriend. And I fell in love with her. That's when she started to break me.

There was the incident with the job first of all. Probably the single most painful thing a girl has done to me. She was going down on me, knelt on the floor for 5 minutes or so. Things were really heating up, and then her phone goes off. She lets go, and goes off to check the message. She has to call Lynn at the agency back (I guess she would be correctly referred to as CJ's pimp). The words she said next were something along the lines of, 'sorry love, I have a job. I've got to go.' I lay on the bed with my trousers round my ankles, wondering if there could be possibly anything more cruel or mortifying that a woman could ever do to me.

And I couldn't think of anything to say. I just said 'OK'. But she saw my face, and the utter look of hurt, and said she was sorry, and then she left.
I still haven't forgiven her for that. Money was more important than my feelings, and that was how our relationship continued. She used me, and pushed me off when she had enough.

I kept trying to compensate for how she was treating me, tried over and over to show how much I loved her, but she went completely cold. Some days she would hate me for no reason. Eventually I read her text messages to another guy, she was texting all the time. She didn't forgive me for that, and broke up with me. Then she went out with the guy she had been texting a few weeks later.

Then there was S. We'll call her Sam. Sam is already adequately covered by other posts. She helped reform my heart, won it , absolutely and completely, and then destoryed me completely. She built me up, and knocked me down for her pleasure and enjoyment. I don't think she ever thought consciously that she wanted to do that, but it was the result.

I let women push me around. The phrase 'pussy whipped' could have been applied to me in most of my relationships. I'd do anything for a girl I love, and a lot of them would happily exploit this fact. CJ actually treated me like a slave for a month or so - get that remote control for me, make me this, cook me that, take me here, etc etc. I put up with it because I loved her.

It' clear in the future that I need to be a lot more assertive in my relationships. But that needs self esteem. I am fine when my self-esteem is running high, but when it starts to sink, I start to flounder. Maybe things in the future will be different.