Pain and Suffering

No matter how hard I try, N is never far from my thoughts. Yesterday, I read on her blog that G had said the L word to her. The amount of initials in that sentence would be funny, if it wasn't for the content...

I decided to stop talking to her for awhile, because I felt a deep hole in my chest, and I don't know if anything will ever fill it in. I still dream of being together with her again, even though I know the chances are so slim. And I miss so much about her, and feel like I didn't appreciate it enough at the time. I regret so much. I wish I could stop feeling this way.

I went to therapy and talked things through with R. Lots of stuff came out. I realised that I didn't, and still don't trust my Mum. I told her lots about how I cling to women for dear life when I think they will leave me, and explained to her how I felt it had been like this for a long time. She guessed it was to do with my Mum, after I used the word 'desperation' and I think things became clear to her then.

I think my feelings for N are also tangled up in my feelings for S. She became the replacement for my lost hope, and I invested a huge amount of myself in our relationship. Too much. I still feel like a shadow of who I was, and I can't remember what it was like to be by myself and have no girl to confide in. It was E, then C then S and then N. I have not been single for this long for over a year, and I feel scared and lonely. I am starting to isolate myself, and I don't trust anyone very much. It's not a good place to be.

On the bright side, I am getting on with a new girl, who is also an S. I suppose she'll have to be S2. Lol. Well, anyway, things are going quite well and I have a date with her on Saturday. It'll be good to get back into dating and meeting new people, it did a lot for my confidence with women last year.

I spoke to her on the phone today. She seems quite quiet and shy, and although I can be shy, for the most part I'm not like that anymore. She's a lot more reserved than me so I am a little worried I'll scare her. I am hoping that she finds my silliness and liberated attitude endearing. On the other hand I might iritate her.

She seems quite religious, although we've not really talked about it. I am a little scared she'll be a bit too down to earth for me, and unremarkable. Still, maybe I'll make a friend at least, and I could do without another nutty woman for the time being.

The trouble is, the people I am most attracted to, are the sort of people with larger than life personalities. Unfortunately, I can't seem to hold on to them very long. Maybe I am too boring, or self-absorbed, or unattractive. I don't know what is wrong with me. According to my last three girlfriends, it's them, not me. But yet still they leave me. What's up with that?

I am sick of being given the line about them wanting to be by themselves. C did that, and so did N (and also my first love too). All of them were seeing other people within a few weeks. It's such bullshit. I think during the sex education classes at school, they take girls aside and teach them all of the lame break up lines that they are allowed to use in the future, and make sure they all have the same ones.

E said - I want to be with someone a bit more manly (talk about ouch...I hit the gym obessively after that. Apparently fucking her against a tree in a country lane when we met up at about midnight isn't any sign of manliness).
C said - I want to be by myself. I need to be single right now. (that was bullshit).
S said - I want to be with my husband still. (Ok, at least that was a good reason, even if she did it in a mean way)
N said - I can't handle a relationship right now (looks to be turning out like bullshit, or just I want to have my cake and eat it).

Girls really are full of shit. I expect the next few relationships to go the same way to be honest. Boy meets girl, boy is scared of falling in love. Girl tells boy repeatedly that she loves him, boy opens up, girl takes everything, breaks up with boy and leaves bloody carcas. That's how the last three went.

Three girls I've been in love with this year. All of them said they wanted to stay with me, and marry me. (Yes, C used to look at pictures of wedding dresses and ask me when I was going to propose to her - I'd been seeing her two months at this point). These women don't know what they want. I think they are all emotionally immature. Do I attract people like that or something? Well, I suppose at least none of them left me because I didn't have an Audi TT. I do get the impression that E feels very guilty about the way she treated me now. Her views on men have definately changed since she fell in love with the guy she's seeing.

As we are speaking C started talking to me on MSN, which is an unusual occurrance. Usually I say a couple of sentences to her, and she either replies and tells me she's depressed, or she ignores me. Lately she's mostly being ignoring me. So I guess she saw the thing about the nice girl I've been talking to on facebook, and she got curious, and asked me about it. Interesting. She's single at the moment. I wonder if she is having a bit of reminiscence about me. Or not. Lol. Either way, it's interesting how being with a girl suddenly makes other girls more interested. It's always that way.