Cell Block H

Last night I spent a night in a cell after I was arrested on suspicion of burglary. It was a bizare, confusing and scary night, where I was in the sort of state of mind I've never had before. On reading about it, it appears to be what's called a mixed state, with a combination of depressive and manic symptoms.

I went out to see some bands, and I was enjoying myself earlier in the evening, a girl had been coming on to me and wanted to chat. I think I became a bit too clingy, because she got upset at me and one of her male friends told me to leave her alone. I felt very rejected, and dejected, and left in a very upset state.

Whilst walking I convinced myself that I wanted to die, and went searching for a high building to jump from. I first tried the car park I had gone to in March, but it was after 2, so the building was closed and locked up. While standing there, I saw the castle on the top of the hill, and decided to go there.

I began texting N, asking her to come back to me. I climbed over a wall into the castle grounds, and walked up towards the perimiter wall, which drops down about 30 metres to the street below. I wanted to jump from there, so I sat on the edge and contemplated it. I started texting N again, telling her I was suicidal and that I could see her work. For some reason I started throwing coins off the edge. Some of them hit the cars down below. I lay on the thin wall and cried for sometime, perhaps half and hour or an hour. Eventally, very drunk and upset I rolled off the wall onto the inside and tried to huddle up from the wind, which was strong and cold. I lay there for several minutes, feeling broken, and failed again in my attempt to die. I decided to go towards the castle, and shelter from the wind.

When I got closer to the castle, I saw some objects around the doorway, some statues and potted plants. In my very odd state of mind, I decided that I wanted to be inside the castle, and I used the plant to smash in a single pane window on the outside door. Next, I climbed through the window and into the castle. I got to some automatic doors which were closed. After 5 or 10 minutes of trying to pull the doors apart, or damage them in some way, I noticed the switch on the door frame to open them. I proceeded inside the shop, and immediately set off the silent alarm. Once inside, I didn't know why I was there, or what I wanted to do. I walked around aimlessly for a few minutes. I then heard the police ariving. I lay down on the floor and began to cry.

Two policemen ran up to me, and held me down on the floor, and roughly handcuffed me behind my back. Handcuffs are more painful and uncomfortable than I had imagined them to be. I tried to tell them that I would not resist arrest, and asked them to be more gentle, and they eased off a little. They walked me out of the building and started asking me questions. Why did you do this? What were you trying to get in for? Have I ever been arrested before? I was stunned and shocked, and could only say that I didn't know why. I felt ashamed as I saw the disappointment and sadness that one of the arresting officers had in his eyes. He knew I wasn't the sort of person to break into somewhere, and couldn't understand why I had done it. They asked me what my job was, and how old I was. I tried to explain on the way to the police station what my state of mind was like, and that I hadn't intended to steal anything.

I was taken to the police station, and asked questions, my name, date of birth, address and so on. I had to sign lots of times to agree with things. I was given a leaflet explaining my rights, and asked if I wanted a solicitor, which I agreed to. They took all my posessions, listed them, and bagged them up. They also took my belt, and the shoelaces from my shoes. I was asked a few questions on what 'resuce remedy' was, which I had in my pocket.

I was taken to a cell and asked to wait there. Later they took my photograph, DNA sample, finger and palm prints, and tested me for class A drugs. I had not taken any drugs and the test came back negative. I signed more times to agree with the test results and so on.

I was then explained what would happen, and that I would have to give a statement later. I was shown to my cell and they let me try to sleep. The cell had light green, breeze block walls, and a steel green door with a small window. It was about 3 metres square, but with a high ceiling. There was a monitoring camera in the corner of the room and a call buzzer. At one end of the cell was a padded bench. I was given two blankets and a cup of tea and left alone. I could ring the buzzer if I needed to use the toilet. I was then locked up for the next 4 hours or so.

Around 8am, they brought around breakfast and tea. I accepted them, and they then left again. The breakfast (a microwave tray of sausages, beans, tomato and so on) turned my stomach and I couldn't eat it. I drank the tea and fell asleep again.

I was kept in the cell until lunchtime, sleeping on and off. I didn't know what time it is, and I couldn't see any natural light, so I felt disorientated. I had started to sober up, and realise how serious the sitation was. I became miserable and withdrawn, and huddled up on the bench in the blankets.

At lunchtime, I was brought a tuna pasta microwave meal. I ate it, but it was pretty revolting. Still, I was starving by that point, and would have eaten anything. They again shut me back up. Later, I rang the buzzer and asked to go to the toilet.

A couple of hours later I was told that they needed to take my prints. This confused me, since they had already done it when I was brought in. I started having my picture taken, and then explained to them that I had already had this done. On checking, someone had entered things incorrectly on the computer, so the apologised and sent me back to my cell. It occurred to me at this point that they might have forgotton about me, and that I had no idea how long they were allowed to hold me without charging me. Was it 24, 48 or 72 hours? I asked if I could speak to a solicitor, and they said someone would be with me soon.

An hour so later, I was very relieved to be told my solicitor was ready to speak to me. I went to discuss things with her in a private booth. It was like the ones you see on TV, with a pane of glass seperating the two people. She advised me that I would probably be able to have a caution, and that if I explained everything to the officer the same way as I had with her, that she would probably be understanding.

I was extremely nervous, as they took me to the interview room and loaded up 4 tapes to record the conversation. The office read me my rights. 'You have been arrested on suspicion of burglary. You do not have to say anything, but it may affect your defence if you withhold information that you later rely on in court'. Something similar to that anyhow.

I went over the night in detail, giving context on my previous suicide attempts. The female officer was kind and understanding. She asked me lots of questions on specifics, including on whether I was aware of the illegality of entering the grounds of the castle, and breaking and entering. I said I was, and tried to explain how I hadn't considered these in the horrible state of mind I was in. I managed to convince her that I had not intended to steal anything.

After the interview, she spoke to the duty sergeant. I stood their nervously as she tried to convince him that I should be cautioned rather than formally charged with an offence. He then spoke to me and confirmed that he would recommend this, on the condition that I agreed to pay for the repairs to the window. I had already offered to do this, and apologised for my actions. However he said, the council would have to agree to this, as their normal policy was to pursue prosecution. The female officer went to call the castle to try to get their agreement for this. The caretaker was unable to agree, and said that the council would have to decide on Monday. After discussion, the sergeant agreed that it would be ok to bail me until Tuesday, where I would return after a decision had made on whether to charge me, or offer me the conditional caution. He called my stepdad, and arranged for him to pick me up.

The sergeant spoke to me kindly, and said I was too young to be taking life so negatively, and that I had much ahead of me. He said that I will find my soulmate soon, and that she is out there. He took me to speak to a female officer, who asked about my relationship with N, and it made me feel good when I explained the situation, and she agreed that I had been treated unfairly. Again she used the phrase 'she wants it all, doesn't she'? That's a phrase I've heard a few times recently. She assured me that things would get better, that there are better girls out there. It felt good to have an attractive woman tell me that. So I immediately developed a huge crush on her :)

I then got my possessions back, and put my shoelaces back in. I had to sign to receive them, and to get my bail release. Soon my parents were there and gave me big hugs.

A few minutes later we exited the police station. I had never been so relieved to see the outside world, and the grey rainy sky. I felt truely free, and so amazed to see it again. At points during the night, it had felt like I would never see anything again but the cell walls.

My parents asked me to explain everything that had happened, and I talked things over in a low level of detail. We went back to their house, and agreed that they'd come over to mine and we'd have dinner. We agreed one of them would stay with me. Later, we ate and watched a Woody Allen movie, Manhattan, and started to nod off. They both decided I'd be ok, and went back home.

As of writing this, I feel well. I feel shocked and embarassed by my actions, and feel compelled to write apologies to the people who's lives I've made so difficult for the last 24 hours or so. And I feel surprised what I am capable of, in the right circumstances. It scares me.

I hope that from now on, things will only get better. I won't be talking to N for awhile. My stepdad called her and explained what had happened and that we wouldn't be speaking. She thought it was a good idea. In a few days, maybe I will talk to her, and explain what happened. Until then, I just need to try to get better.

What a night. Not one I will ever forget. Life can surely only get better from herein. God, I really hope it does.