Cautioned and Corrected

I spoke to N again tonight, to explain what happened on Friday. I don't think she knew anything much about what had happened, so it was good to tell her. I handled it better than I thought I would, even the bit where she delibrately told me she'd been at least kissing her other date on Saturday. She has tonsilitis though, which she put down to karma. I don't envy her, it's horrible.

I am much less worried than I would have been a week ago. I am still jealous and I miss her, but it's not as obsessive, and I know they are her choices to make. Before, I was desperately trying to avoid being what I saw as being abandoned by her, and I was so afraid and insecure that the other guys just really got to me. When I am confident and secure, I even suggest the ideas of sleeping with other people, and made up fantasies for her. Sadly, when I became insecure, they turned into nightmare scenarios for me. It's weird how things change like that.

I was speaking to R again in therapy today, and I feel like we are making progress in getting to the root of issues. She asked me to focus on my own feelings today, and to leave N out of things for a change. It helped, and I was able to focus on how I felt about myself and stop tying them to my feelings to her. It's amazing how much I have somehow attached my self belief to her feelings for me.

I went to the gym today, and I have been feeling generally quite well. I've been able to keep my feelings in check. I've been negative, but I've been able to cheer myself up and get on with things. Housework and cooking are both possible, and the house is very clean for me.

The big news of the day is that I got the conditional caution that the Police had offered, and I just need to pay £300 within 90 days to repair the damage. Not so bad - I could have had to go to court. I felt underwhelmed by the news, and slightly uncomfortable when my parents started joking about it on the way back to the car. I didn't like them discussing it in public, and I came to realise that I am very ashamed about it. It doesn't fit with my morals or how I see my character at all.

I seem to have a need for drama in things this year. It's been dramatic all round, and my overactive fear responses, insecurity and paranoia seem to have gone mad. I really need to work out where these issues come from, and sort them out from the ground up. I am only just beginning to understand what's caused all the emotional trauma I seem to be suffering from, and I believe that there are a lot of unresolved problems and emotions that I never dealt with.

But I'm getting there, and I feel optimistic today. The future seems much better than a few weeks ago. I know I have survived against all the odds. If I make it to March 26th (sorry, I'll change that to WHEN I make it), I'll have a big party. To celebrate being alive. Or a quiet celebration. But it will be celebrated none the less :)