Rescuer

I've been spending quite a lot of time with my parents this weekend, and we've had dinner the last couple of nights, and talked a lot about things. I have written to
the people who got involved on Friday, except N, who I'm not ready to talk to yet.

I will probably contact her in a couple of days when I feel stronger. There are too many emotions tied up, and I need to untangle them and start to feel happy with myself again. I am starting to miss talking to her a lot, but I know that I have been obsessive and unhealthy about it. I need to stop until I am ready to move on with my life, and stop interfering in hers. I know that I've been doing that, and that I was trying to control things desperately.

I think because my feelings have been so out of control, trying to control other people's actions is the only way I feel like I can get a grip on the situation. As it's clear from Friday though, I am danger of completely losing control of myself in the process.

I have felt very guilty about how people feel about me, and what I put them through again. After talking to my stepdad though, I realised that I can't control this. I have apologised, and that is all I can do, and people have to make up their own mind's about me. I need to stop trying to desperately control everything, it's impossible to, and it gets making me anxious and unable to cope.

I have been talking about my tendancy to take responsibility for the wrong things too today. I do this for lots of things - how people feel about me, whether other people are happy, things that aren't to do with my job, global politics, or anything that seems like someone needs to take responsibility.

I am so wrapped up in these false responsibilities, that I have stopped taking responsibility for my own well being, safety and actions. In reality, they are the only things I can control, and the only things I am responsible for. Whatever happened to my morals, my do no harm philosophy? Somewhere in my broken consciousness it's there still. But I have not been true to myself, to my own ethics, and standards. There's a sort of cognative disonance which I need to resolve. And it seems to make me restless, and feel awful about myself.

I need to go easy on myself for awhile, and stop caring what people think. Because I can't control it, and if they think badly of me, and don't want to talk to me, then that is because of their issues, not mine. I am who I am, for better or worse, and I need to accept myself first, before I let anyone else judge me. That's the most important thing I can do at the moment, regain my sense of self. Because it feels like I almost entirely lost it. Not speaking to N will help reinforce things, because I know that my self esteem is so tied up in what she thinks of me.

Everyone has to follow their own path in life, and sometimes people's paths take the same route. But in the end, we walk on our own, and people can only carry us a certain distance. After that, we have to learn to walk again, or get a wheelchair. Either way, we have to take responsibility for continuing life. No one else can make me love life, and want to live. That comes from within myself.

I have done so many things I regret in the last couple of months. I feel like I'm not sure who I am anymore. But I need to stop looking back, and start looking forward. I can't change what I did now, but I can be more positive in the future, and try to stay out of the cycle that I seem to have got stuck in, of rejections crushing me, and looking for, or to be a new rescuer. The only person I am capable of rescuing right now is myself.