Dishonesty

I have started to feel that N is being dishonest with me about her feelings, and I know that the trust is gone between us. I need to let her go. I snooped on her conversations again on Saturday and confronted her about more of the stuff she had said, about going on a date on Wednesday and so on. I felt so shitty for the way I have not been trusting her, but I also know that there are good reasons not to trust her.

I'm pretty sure she has slept with one of the two guys she said she kissed before, and never told her husband or me. I also know that she is willing to flirt extremely sexually with a guy online, lead him on, and try to get him to meet her. She also has a date with a guy on Wednesday which she hadn't mentioned.

I don't know if she really loves me at all, but I know that she is unable to give me loyalty or faithfullness which are two really important things to me right now. I am very hurt, and the more I pursue her, the colder our relationship gets. I need to stop with the desperate clinging on, and let go, let myself move on. My actions are getting more and more horrible, and I don't like the person I am becoming, or the unnecessary pain I am inflicting on her.

I have deleted her from facebook, blocked her on MSN, and will be going away for a few days to try to clear my head. I hope a change of scenery and a break from it all will help me. Maybe within a couple of weeks the ant-depressants will stop making me more anxious and I can't start to act like a normal human being again. Right now, I have a sick anxious feeling almost all the time, I feel despondant, useless and tired. I don't know what to do to get myself out of this place I am in, but I really need to regain some self respect and stop acting like a puppy in love. She is a much harder woman than I consider her to be, and she will pursue her own interests, just like I need to do.

I am thinking of going to a place called Hay-on-Wye which is a booktown just across the Welsh border. But it's a very small place, and I don't want to get bored. I might need distraction as well as rest, and TV seems to be serving well in that regard today. I don't really know where, but I think a couple of nights away somewhere nice will really help.