All About N

Most of the day I have felt very unhappy, but things picked up a bit thiss afternoon when I arranged to go to see my Aunt, Uncle and Cousins in Norwich tommorrow. I spent all day watching TV and feel a bit more able to face the world now. After feeling despondant about myself and N this morning, speaking to her again tonight helped, and it sounds like she was getting needy again today. She kept reasserting how she felt about me, and it sounds like she misses me. But I can't see her or speak to her much for awhile.

It's clear she is just going to hurt me with her mood swings and changes of mind. Plus the other guys on the scene, whom she keeps insisting she's not interested. There are 'several people she's attracted to' although she hasn't really specified them, and seemed to play things down today, and be feeling quite low.

I don't really want to interfere anymore, I want to spend the rest of the week freeing myself of the anxiety I feel about our relationship, and getting my life back. I need people who can support me at the moment. She seems to be quite sure today that she will want me back in the future, but tomorrow she will probably feel diferently. When she acts like this, she shows some of the traits which Carly had, where her opinion of me and herself would shift radically of me from one day, or hour to the next. It's very hard to deal with that.

She has some real problems, just like I do. I really hope she will seek help like I have asked her to. The way she is dealing with things at the moment isn't healthy, and I hope she will learn to be calmer with her feelings and more confident about her abilities.

She doesn't realise the power she has over men, and I don't think she knows how she acts after having a few drinks either. I guess she will just have to learn what that can lead to herself, but I hope she doesn't get hurt. She is naive, which is natural for someone who has been in a serious relationship between 16 and 22. She hasn't had a lot of sexual partners, and I hope that she is really careful about who chooses to sleep with, and what that will lead to. I really hope she doesn't get hurt because she takes on more than she can handle emotionally. But it's her life, and she needs to learn through her own experiences and mistakes.

Whatever happens, she'll always mean a lot to me. I hope I can start believing in myself again, and how I'll make it without her.