Ready To Die

I don't remember when things were this bad before. I really fucked everything up with N, when I told B that their first son wasn't an accident. And he told her I had told him, and she no longer trusts me at all. I feel like shit about this, and I can't ever fix it. Now he will always know, and she will always know I told him.

I am feeling suicidal and I am seriously considering that my life will never get any better than this. I keep screwing up over and over again. I am waste of space at the moment, and I don't think there is a lot I can do to change that.

I am ready to die. I don't want to go on living with her hating me. I can't.