Super Bitch

I've had a really restless night, knowing that N is out on a date. And I know that she went home with him, for a simple reason, she didn't sign on to MSN. If she doesn't do that, she's busy. It doesn't matter how tired she was, she would have still come online. Old habits die hard. So I spent most of the night thinking about this, waking up every hour, destroying myself over and over. But she doesn't need to know this, so I will not tell her. I need to be ok, and the first step to being ok is to be outwardly ok. If I can control how I express my feelings (in this case, heartbreak, jealousy, anger) then I can learn how to deal with them better.

I do hope she is ok though. And I hope she doesn't wake up in the morning and go all cold like she was doing to me. Or maybe I'd rather she did, because then I'd know it wasn't just me she was like that with. I don't expect she'll tell me she's slept with him, and I won't ask. I do expect she'll still go on the date on Saturday with the other guy, and if she got the chance, sleep with him too. I guess I'd say 'go girl' on that count. Two guys in one week is pretty impressive. I hope she thinks that way, because thinking any other way involves some commitment to one of them really. Ouch.

And I'm actually ok with the sleeping with them. But I don't believe that she needs just that. She needs the emotional connection and the support too. She was like that with me, when we 'weren't' in a relationship, even though for all intents and purposes we acted like we were. And things change when you start seeing someone new, they influence you.

I console myself with ideas like I might be better looking, or better in bed, or more fun, or more interesting than him. I have to believe all of these things, or how else do I not feel a bit replaced and rejected? Something I have come to realise though is just how much I have become reliant on her opinions and feelings. She says this is my fault, and she's probably right. But that's a part of what love is.

I feel sick, and anxious and upset. I know these feelings will pass. But this is the worst breakup ever, even worse than S. She has totally crippled me emotionally, and I'm only just starting to rebuild my walls, which have been inappropriately low with everyone for weeks. I need to build up reserves of self-esteem again, because I used them all up trying to stay with her, and I lost all my self respect. Sleeping with someone else would really help right now. Especially if she was incredibly gorgeous, nice, or an ex girlfriend. A nice girl is what I need. And I really really thought that N was a nice girl. But it's pretty clear that she's not right now. She's anything but a nice girl at the moment. More like super bitch.