Lust and Want

I am doing better at being just friends with N I think. Yesterday she came over and had lunch with me, and dropped my stuff off. I kissed her though, and things got arkward after that. She made it pretty clear that however I felt now, she wasn't comfortable with anything more than friends now.

I felt slightly hurt when she said she thought something would happen with this guy she's been seeing, G. She thinks she has feelings for him. So I guess the whole thing about it not being me that was the problem really isn't true anymore, or ever was. I don't know.

Either way, it didn't affect me as much as I expected. I know what she is like, and I have learnt not to expect anything from her. Even for her to not be rude to me. She was quite rude when I said that I had lost a lot of my dreams and I sort of knew how it felt. She kind of belittled my experiences and made it sound like hers were more relevant and important. But that's just her at the moment. Extremely self aborbed, to the point that other people's feelings aren't that relevant unless they affect her. She apologised, but she overreacted because she's very depressed right now I think.

I can deal with it. I want to support her, and hopefully help her to get better, and become happier with herself. I really think she needs to feel wanted by men at the moment, and that seems to be natural in the circumstances of her divorce. But I don't want her to get more hurt, or hurt anyone else.

In my own life, which is really the purpose of this blog, I seem to be getting on well with a girl I've been chatting to from match.com. I think I have a date lined up with her next weekend. She's cute, friendly, seems intelligent and nice, and most importantly she is positive and easy going. I think I could enjoy spending time with her as a friend, even if nothing else came of it. I am flirting a lot with her, which I warned her about, so hopefully she doesn't get too put off by that before I meet her. I hope she's not the no sex before marriage type, because I so want to lose myself in her gorgeous little body :) Ouch, that sounds very lustful. But I really am right now, I am missing sex a lot. I really need to feel manly and sexy again. I need to have a girl grab on to me and scratch her nails down my back, and make me feel like I am needed in that lustful, wanton way... I want to make her happy and give her so much pleasure, and feel her legs quiver as I kiss the inside of her thighs. Wow.

Man I need to calm down, I don't want to scare her away. It's not just about sex, and maybe something serious could come from it. But I want to take things one step at a time. And be slow with her. Well, apart from the sex part..

I've been really quite tired most of the weekend, but I'm still sleeping badly. I took the weekend as oportunities to lie in and try to get back to sleep though, which sort of seemed to help. I am find talking to N sort of emotionally draining at the moment, because she's so miserable. I guess that's better than being unable to handle it though, and I added her again on facebook yesterday. I can deal with things now. It's still hard, but it's bearable. And I am feeling less need to be bitter to her, and accept her feelings more.

I realise I have a lot of support from other people, and that N's crazy mood swings and way of looking at the world had a big influence on me. I feel calmer and more in control than I have for months. I don't feel very happy, but I am definately getting through the depression. I hope I can keep it up, and keep doing things that are healthy for me, and help me get better.

I think in the future, whatever happens I can understand how important it is to love and respect yourself. Without self respect, anyone can walk over you, and you let them. And I have lost a lot of that this year. I need to win it back, and start caring about myself and my needs again.