Reflections...Again

I was released from the hospital on Wednesday following a review by someone from the DPA team. For the last week, things have been up and down. I don't know why I haven't written here. The last few days I have been very low, but I seem to have come up with some solutions on how I can move forward with work and my life.

I had an appointment with C today. I talked over everything that's been happening in my life, and all of the problems with N. I hadn't told him I'd been seeing her, but due to his lack of good memory and note reading, I'm pretty sure he ignored that. Either that or he was too polite to complain that I had never brought up the relationship before, despite having been with her the whole time that I had been seeing him before. I told her I hadn't told him about us, and she was a little shocked. I don't know why I hadn't. Except maybe that I was scared that he'd disapprove.

She said maybe sometimes I need people's disapproval. I told her then I didn't want to talk about it, and got upset. I guess she really got through to me though, because soon after that, the tears started and a lot came out. I had to say I was sorry for what I had put her through. It's so hard to be honest with myself even now. I keep pretending, and pushing up walls. I let go for awhile and it felt amazing that I could tell her how I really felt. I don't think anyone has been able to get through to me the way she does, and I genuinely feel so in love with her again. Now I am missing her, as we agreed that we need more time apart. It's like pulling teeth knowing I could be with her and am choosing not to be though.

I have asked to go part time at work. I'm not sure what they will say, but I hope it goes ok. I am dreading going back, and feel sick when I think about it. I know I need to soon though, and that it will not get any easier. I want to use my last few days to get my head sorted out, and start putting in place some real support and new activities to keep me occupied. I need to stop isolating myself from friends. I can't remember the last time I went out without N. It's hard though. I feel broken, and like people wouldn't want to hang out with me.

I have an appointment on the 30th with the psychiatrist to discuss meds again. He suggested sertraline is an option, but we shall see. I am neither for nor against using new medication. Still, the side effects are never fun.

I am getting tired, so I'll call it a night for this entry. I am going to see N again tomorrow morning, and can't believe how much I have missed her after not seeing her for one day. Crazy.