I have had a hell of a day today. I got up at 6 to take N back home, as B needed to go to work early. Woke up and went out 5 minutes later. And within half an hour I was back in bed again. Except, I forgot to switch the alarm clock back on. I woke up at 10.30.
I have overslept before and got away with it, being as I was working at home, which was the case today as well. Except, there were two or three important things I needed to do in the morning. The first was the doctor’s appointment at 10am, which I slept through, and now won’t have any anti-depressents until I can see him again on Friday. The second was a very important database restore for work. I have spent most of the day trying to get it to work, with little success. It’s going to be used in a court case, and I feel miserable that I wasn’t more careful about being able to restore the backup. It’s possible in theory, it’s just a lot of stress and difficulty for something I should have made much easier for myself.
I really need to find a new job. It’s killing me. There are two many pressures from different people, and everyone thinks that they have the priority and are most important. The truth is I really don’t care about it anymore. I just want to do something else with my life and be happy. But I’m scared of having no money and not being able to pay my bills. Really scared.
I have been looking at jobs, but not applied for anything yet. I think I’ll spend a little time putting together my CV.
Wednesday, 30 April 2008
Monday, 28 April 2008
Sunday Train to Bluesville
As always it seems on a Sunday night, I cruise into Bluesville, wind the windows down, and start breathing in the smoky air. I am infused with it so heavily, and it becomes a part of me. The rest of me falls away, and suddenly there seems little time to be just me - only until the morning, when I have to be productive, useful me once again. That feeling you get, when you literally feel your heart sink. I got that again tonight.
I realise now more than ever what a fallacy that is though - they are both just different parts of the same person, but sometimes they seem worlds away. From here to a hundred and eighty miles south, from zero to one hundred and eighty miles an hour. That’s my Sunday and Monday feeling. Is it worth it all? I really hope so.
I am lying in bed but can’t sleep. It’s because I know I need the sleep that i find it difficult to. I am thinking a lot about N. She is so important to me, and today I knew I wanted to be with her, but I wasn’t ready yet. And then she told me she’s looking up guys on match.com, and I feel sad and jealous suddenly. I know I have no right, because I am not ready to commit to her, and yet I still do.
I told her what had happened, and she told me that I could have her, and I just needed to say. But I can’t say, because I’m so scared. She’s still married. Two months ago, it wouldn’t have mattered - I know how things are between them, I know that it’s over. But she misses him, she hurts, she fees all of things you’d expect. And I am scared that firstly, I am saving her from loneliness, and secondly she is doing the same for me. And how can I be sure? I can’t unless I wait. It seems worth the risk, but my heart is so tender, so unprotected that I can’t afford to give it away. I trusted S and she wrecked me. She pulled every piece apart with her actions. I know that I was broken already, but I was shattered by what happened.
And so, if she really wants me for me, I hope she still will in a little while. She asked if I’d rather she didn’t see other people. How could I say that to her? It would be so unfair. I guess I just hoped I was giving her what she needs, relationship or not. I can tell now that I’m not. But maybe I should let this one work itself out. I’m done with jumping on women. I need to let my heart recover. If she really cares she will still be there later. And I’ll have the clarity to know it’s a sound judgement, and not another stupid one, like I’ve been making lately.
So that’s it really. Another couple of purple pills. Onwards and upwards, I hope.
I realise now more than ever what a fallacy that is though - they are both just different parts of the same person, but sometimes they seem worlds away. From here to a hundred and eighty miles south, from zero to one hundred and eighty miles an hour. That’s my Sunday and Monday feeling. Is it worth it all? I really hope so.
I am lying in bed but can’t sleep. It’s because I know I need the sleep that i find it difficult to. I am thinking a lot about N. She is so important to me, and today I knew I wanted to be with her, but I wasn’t ready yet. And then she told me she’s looking up guys on match.com, and I feel sad and jealous suddenly. I know I have no right, because I am not ready to commit to her, and yet I still do.
I told her what had happened, and she told me that I could have her, and I just needed to say. But I can’t say, because I’m so scared. She’s still married. Two months ago, it wouldn’t have mattered - I know how things are between them, I know that it’s over. But she misses him, she hurts, she fees all of things you’d expect. And I am scared that firstly, I am saving her from loneliness, and secondly she is doing the same for me. And how can I be sure? I can’t unless I wait. It seems worth the risk, but my heart is so tender, so unprotected that I can’t afford to give it away. I trusted S and she wrecked me. She pulled every piece apart with her actions. I know that I was broken already, but I was shattered by what happened.
And so, if she really wants me for me, I hope she still will in a little while. She asked if I’d rather she didn’t see other people. How could I say that to her? It would be so unfair. I guess I just hoped I was giving her what she needs, relationship or not. I can tell now that I’m not. But maybe I should let this one work itself out. I’m done with jumping on women. I need to let my heart recover. If she really cares she will still be there later. And I’ll have the clarity to know it’s a sound judgement, and not another stupid one, like I’ve been making lately.
So that’s it really. Another couple of purple pills. Onwards and upwards, I hope.
Sunday, 27 April 2008
Tea and Bird Song
I am lying in bed, with N beside me, feeling very relaxed this morning. Life doesn't seem so bad, and I enjoyed the sound of bird song when I awoke. I made tea in the teapot, and realised I don't like skimmed milk. I have been drinking it for a few months, but it's rubbish, I'll switch back to semi-skimmed again, which tastes nicer.
One of the worst things about depression is sometimes it is truly hard to know what is good for, and bad for you. When you are having a major episode, often it feels like you don't enjoy anything. Since this is the case, it's hard to know what is worth doing and not doing, since none of it is enjoyable.
I have been feeling like that lately, trying things because they came along, rather than that I was enjoying them. The first thing that always comes back to me as I come out of a bad episode though, is the love of food. I remember foods I enjoy, get cravings, and try new foods. I can show remarkable open mindedness in that area, even if the rest of my life is dull. On the other hand I am intensely lazy, and don't cook much, so I end up eating lots of crap, which depresses me, or eating out a lot which makes me happy, but costs too much. Well, at the moment I am starting to understand myself a little more in that area.
I have been interested in how omega-3 affects depression, as of recent years there has been a great deal of interest in this area. I would say there was reasonable evidence to suggest that it, or at least consumption of fish is likely to reduce the incidence of depression. Some would disagree. On the other hand, it isn't harmful in small quantaties at all, and seems to have quite a few possible health benefits. So for the sake of a few quid, it's probably worth a try. My Dad who is a chemist gave me some, but I'll get some more and keep taking it.
The Lofepramine on the other hand is making me exhausted, and doesn't seem to be lifting my depression really. I feel pretty intense this week, and it isn't helping my anxiety at all yet. I'm not convinced it is working, but I will keep trying, since it is still early days. I feel pretty ok this morning, but then I forgot my dose last night. Maybe it is actually making things worse.
I found this website, which seems interesting and in depth. It's nice to have something more intellectually demanding than most self help sites, with intelligent musings:
http://www.mcmanweb.com
One of the worst things about depression is sometimes it is truly hard to know what is good for, and bad for you. When you are having a major episode, often it feels like you don't enjoy anything. Since this is the case, it's hard to know what is worth doing and not doing, since none of it is enjoyable.
I have been feeling like that lately, trying things because they came along, rather than that I was enjoying them. The first thing that always comes back to me as I come out of a bad episode though, is the love of food. I remember foods I enjoy, get cravings, and try new foods. I can show remarkable open mindedness in that area, even if the rest of my life is dull. On the other hand I am intensely lazy, and don't cook much, so I end up eating lots of crap, which depresses me, or eating out a lot which makes me happy, but costs too much. Well, at the moment I am starting to understand myself a little more in that area.
I have been interested in how omega-3 affects depression, as of recent years there has been a great deal of interest in this area. I would say there was reasonable evidence to suggest that it, or at least consumption of fish is likely to reduce the incidence of depression. Some would disagree. On the other hand, it isn't harmful in small quantaties at all, and seems to have quite a few possible health benefits. So for the sake of a few quid, it's probably worth a try. My Dad who is a chemist gave me some, but I'll get some more and keep taking it.
The Lofepramine on the other hand is making me exhausted, and doesn't seem to be lifting my depression really. I feel pretty intense this week, and it isn't helping my anxiety at all yet. I'm not convinced it is working, but I will keep trying, since it is still early days. I feel pretty ok this morning, but then I forgot my dose last night. Maybe it is actually making things worse.
I found this website, which seems interesting and in depth. It's nice to have something more intellectually demanding than most self help sites, with intelligent musings:
http://www.mcmanweb.com
Saturday, 26 April 2008
Headless and Ship-Wrecked
This week has me totally wrecked and I haven't stopped. I got a home about 9 after being in London, Hereford, Cornwall and then Hereford again for the past 4 days. I've been working really hard this week, and somehow managed to pull it all off, although it felt at times I wouldn't. I have had some bad head aches, not much sleep and feel like I've been driving for weeks. So I'm mostly tired, and partly something else.
I feel dissatisfied again. I need to come up with a cure for this - I think it will come with practice, but not soon enough.
I put my expenses claim together and it works out at over a grand. No wonder I've been feeling so short of money! I can't stop worrying about that stuff, even though I don't have a huge amount to worry about other than stopping myself buying junk I don't need.
How do you keep yourself satisfied with life, without entering the endless consumerism and spending binge? I think all that does for me seems to be fuel more dissatisfaction. I need to find a new outlet, something that makes me feel good about life. Perhaps writing, or music, or exercise could do that for me. I don't know. I just wish I could shake my obsession with finances. It feels like it's weighing me down at the moment.
I keep thinking about S. Wish she'd get out of my head. She is such a bitch.
So I can finally get to sleep now. I hope it is a pleasant, restful night. If only.
I feel dissatisfied again. I need to come up with a cure for this - I think it will come with practice, but not soon enough.
I put my expenses claim together and it works out at over a grand. No wonder I've been feeling so short of money! I can't stop worrying about that stuff, even though I don't have a huge amount to worry about other than stopping myself buying junk I don't need.
How do you keep yourself satisfied with life, without entering the endless consumerism and spending binge? I think all that does for me seems to be fuel more dissatisfaction. I need to find a new outlet, something that makes me feel good about life. Perhaps writing, or music, or exercise could do that for me. I don't know. I just wish I could shake my obsession with finances. It feels like it's weighing me down at the moment.
I keep thinking about S. Wish she'd get out of my head. She is such a bitch.
So I can finally get to sleep now. I hope it is a pleasant, restful night. If only.
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Indecent Exposure
I've tried to act more maturely after everything that's happened, but I still find it difficult to go through with things the way I plan them. Work is going ok, and although I will be busy, the pressure isn't too much which makes a nice change. I prefer when people are gentle about what they want me to do, and at the moment people are very polite about asking me to do work, and I'm trying to encourage that to continue. I hope it will.
The trouble is, I can feel N getting more and more close to me and needy. I'm worried she'll fall in love with me, and she hinted at that tonight. I don't want her to. I don't feel the same way and I don't think I am capable of it right now anyway. I like her, but I am not ready to commit that way. I think I need to take a few steps back pretty soon.
I think it will be dangerous to keep sleeping with her. I feel so wanted, but it is unfair of me to take that from her, when I know I want nothing more. She says the same, but I don't believe her. She's not that sort of person.
Normally I get very clingy by now, but I'm not like that with her. I feel relaxed and I don't feel like I need to grab hold of her with all my might so she can't get away. It's sex and friendship and that's all. And I don't want or need anything else.
I've been taking the Lofepramine and so far haven't really had any bad side effects. I am not sure it's made me any happier either, but that can take several weeks I know. I have noticed my attention and motivation is improving though. I do feel like I am getting some drive back for life. I miss that so much. I can stand being unhappy if I at least have some energy to change things. Before the 'incident' I had all but lost my motivation to do much at all. Save from wanting to be with S.
So yes, that name comes up again. She's in my head, as if my thoughts are infused with her sometimes. I keep thinking of things to say to her when I am driving, or find out something new. And I know I'll never be able to now. I spoke to H about what had happened today. I'm glad it's over, I don't want to think about her, but the last few days it has been upsetting me. I am mostly angry, but I miss her too. So much.
I'm going to London tomorrow, then Hereford on Wednesday and Truro on Thursday. Lots of driving will be involved so I need to try to improve my sleeping. It's been awful for the last week. I toss and turn and keep waking, and walking around, and getting things to eat. I feel ok for my energy levels too, but my sleep is hit and miss.
The trouble is, I can feel N getting more and more close to me and needy. I'm worried she'll fall in love with me, and she hinted at that tonight. I don't want her to. I don't feel the same way and I don't think I am capable of it right now anyway. I like her, but I am not ready to commit that way. I think I need to take a few steps back pretty soon.
I think it will be dangerous to keep sleeping with her. I feel so wanted, but it is unfair of me to take that from her, when I know I want nothing more. She says the same, but I don't believe her. She's not that sort of person.
Normally I get very clingy by now, but I'm not like that with her. I feel relaxed and I don't feel like I need to grab hold of her with all my might so she can't get away. It's sex and friendship and that's all. And I don't want or need anything else.
I've been taking the Lofepramine and so far haven't really had any bad side effects. I am not sure it's made me any happier either, but that can take several weeks I know. I have noticed my attention and motivation is improving though. I do feel like I am getting some drive back for life. I miss that so much. I can stand being unhappy if I at least have some energy to change things. Before the 'incident' I had all but lost my motivation to do much at all. Save from wanting to be with S.
So yes, that name comes up again. She's in my head, as if my thoughts are infused with her sometimes. I keep thinking of things to say to her when I am driving, or find out something new. And I know I'll never be able to now. I spoke to H about what had happened today. I'm glad it's over, I don't want to think about her, but the last few days it has been upsetting me. I am mostly angry, but I miss her too. So much.
I'm going to London tomorrow, then Hereford on Wednesday and Truro on Thursday. Lots of driving will be involved so I need to try to improve my sleeping. It's been awful for the last week. I toss and turn and keep waking, and walking around, and getting things to eat. I feel ok for my energy levels too, but my sleep is hit and miss.
Wednesday, 16 April 2008
No Rest for the Wicked
So, back to work today. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. People mostly left me alone and mostly didn't ask what had been wrong, although I hadn't come up with anything to say when they did, and felt a bit stupid. And I worked late for no particular reason. I have to try to stop doing that.
I am shattered tonight, the Lofepramine I've started taking does make me drowsy. Not so much in a fall asleep way, as it sort of allows my mind to go blank, and things to feel a little surreal. But I'm tired anyway, so I think it must be adding to that.
I've been talking very dirty to N tonight via text messages. I am really into her at the moment and think maybe it could lead somewhere. But I am scared of my heart getting hurt. And when she said 'love you' in her final text, I don't know whether she really meant it or not. It feels like I am fine with the sex and affection, but love will take awhile, if it comes. I don't want her to be upset that I won't be able to tell her the same thing.
I am thinking about taking a creative writing or psychology course, or both. If I can keep up the writing I'll be really happy. It feels like such an important outlet for me.
I am shattered tonight, the Lofepramine I've started taking does make me drowsy. Not so much in a fall asleep way, as it sort of allows my mind to go blank, and things to feel a little surreal. But I'm tired anyway, so I think it must be adding to that.
I've been talking very dirty to N tonight via text messages. I am really into her at the moment and think maybe it could lead somewhere. But I am scared of my heart getting hurt. And when she said 'love you' in her final text, I don't know whether she really meant it or not. It feels like I am fine with the sex and affection, but love will take awhile, if it comes. I don't want her to be upset that I won't be able to tell her the same thing.
I am thinking about taking a creative writing or psychology course, or both. If I can keep up the writing I'll be really happy. It feels like such an important outlet for me.
Tuesday, 15 April 2008
Bye Bye and Bedknobs
So, as of Sunday it's over. S got back to me and wants to stay with her husband. She believes in the sanctity of marriage I suppose.
At the time I felt relieved of a huge burden, but now I just feel betrayed and useless about it. She was shitty to me, and wants to break off contact altogether. Anyone who treats me that way isn't worth knowing. I hope I can convince myself of that in the long run but right now, I just feel like an idiot, and like I did something wrong. Hopefully she will return the ring, although to be honest I don't feel certain of it, given how she has been treating me.
Things have taken off with N since then. I dived straight into bed with her and have spent a couple of nights with her. I don't know what will happen from it, but we both feel happy to look after each other right now, and I like spending time with her kids too. I am scared about the future with her, but I think she knows that I can't promise anything right now. I feel guilty for enjoying being wanted, for losing myself in her. I know it isn't pure, although I do really like her and feel connected to her.
Something is missing. I can't say 'I love you' when I am making love to her, or when I kiss her, or hold her. I can't say it because I don't feel it. In fact, I don't know if I will ever feel it again. My heart is so screwed up right now. What I really don't want is for her to fall in love with me, and for me to hurt her. That would be so unfair. I really don't know what is good for me or what I want right now. I hope she is ok with everything, she seems to be happy right now with how things are. Although she's still upset about B's new girlfriend. I think she still loves him. I don't want to let myself get too close to her until things are final between them. I don't want the same thing to happen again.
I went to K's funeral yesterday. It was depressing and emotionally draining, and I had to go to sleep for a couple of hours when I got back. I couldn't face the family afterwards, but my Mum gave me a hug and I felt better and had a nice meal with them. Later I went over and stayed with N. I freaked out because B was there when I got there, and so I ended up walking round the block and texting her. It seems horrible me sleeping with his wife. He is my friend, and I know he is sleeping with someone else too...but it still feels wrong.
I saw the psychiatrist this morning and she prescribed me lofepramine which is a TCA. I am nervous about the effects it will have on me. I took one a couple of hours ago and since then feel very restless. I hope it will help in a couple of weeks or so though.
I have ridiculous anxiety about money and keep obsessing over it. I don't know why I keep on wanting to buy stuff, and plan money matters. It's driving me nuts, I wish I could stop thinking about it. Things aren't bad really, and I have kept my job and have a good income, as well as a bonus coming in and perhaps some inheritance. I have nothing to worry about with money right now really, apart from how to slow down my spending. I don't know what's wrong with me.
At the time I felt relieved of a huge burden, but now I just feel betrayed and useless about it. She was shitty to me, and wants to break off contact altogether. Anyone who treats me that way isn't worth knowing. I hope I can convince myself of that in the long run but right now, I just feel like an idiot, and like I did something wrong. Hopefully she will return the ring, although to be honest I don't feel certain of it, given how she has been treating me.
Things have taken off with N since then. I dived straight into bed with her and have spent a couple of nights with her. I don't know what will happen from it, but we both feel happy to look after each other right now, and I like spending time with her kids too. I am scared about the future with her, but I think she knows that I can't promise anything right now. I feel guilty for enjoying being wanted, for losing myself in her. I know it isn't pure, although I do really like her and feel connected to her.
Something is missing. I can't say 'I love you' when I am making love to her, or when I kiss her, or hold her. I can't say it because I don't feel it. In fact, I don't know if I will ever feel it again. My heart is so screwed up right now. What I really don't want is for her to fall in love with me, and for me to hurt her. That would be so unfair. I really don't know what is good for me or what I want right now. I hope she is ok with everything, she seems to be happy right now with how things are. Although she's still upset about B's new girlfriend. I think she still loves him. I don't want to let myself get too close to her until things are final between them. I don't want the same thing to happen again.
I went to K's funeral yesterday. It was depressing and emotionally draining, and I had to go to sleep for a couple of hours when I got back. I couldn't face the family afterwards, but my Mum gave me a hug and I felt better and had a nice meal with them. Later I went over and stayed with N. I freaked out because B was there when I got there, and so I ended up walking round the block and texting her. It seems horrible me sleeping with his wife. He is my friend, and I know he is sleeping with someone else too...but it still feels wrong.
I saw the psychiatrist this morning and she prescribed me lofepramine which is a TCA. I am nervous about the effects it will have on me. I took one a couple of hours ago and since then feel very restless. I hope it will help in a couple of weeks or so though.
I have ridiculous anxiety about money and keep obsessing over it. I don't know why I keep on wanting to buy stuff, and plan money matters. It's driving me nuts, I wish I could stop thinking about it. Things aren't bad really, and I have kept my job and have a good income, as well as a bonus coming in and perhaps some inheritance. I have nothing to worry about with money right now really, apart from how to slow down my spending. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Friday, 11 April 2008
Sleepy Bliss
I must get out of bed. It has gotten so hard lately, and I just feel like I haven't slept. I have something to do today I guess.
I really hate depression.
Thursday, 10 April 2008
Subjected or Smitten?
I really feel awful this evening. On the good side, I came up with some ideas to make money and I finally spoke to K who agreed to help pay to my travel to the office and allow me to spend more time on customer sites, but will be discussing the details tomorrow. On the negative side I had a bad training session this evening where I completely failed to show an elderly couple how to use open office mail merge. :(
I am missing S like crazy. I started to get really paranoid today, and checked Myspace and Facebook again. She really has deleted her profile and doesn't appear on people's friends lists. I don't know why she did that, it seems a bit silly if she was trying to communicate with my family and friends. She doesn't answer her phone and it doesn't even go to voicemail, so I guess she has followed through with the changing her number thing.
I am half expecting her to call me on Saturday morning and tell me she's in London. I don't know whether to believe she would really just show up out of the blue or not. The romantic part of me says she will do, and everything will be great, and the cynical part of me thinks she has run away with a very expensive engagement ring and I will never hear from her again. I don't know why she had to disappear for 5 days though. It's very strange. It's so hard for me to deal with, and she never keeps her promises, so I don't know why she would keep this one.
Well, I guess if she doesn't appear within a few days I really will know where I stand. It will break my heart, or I'll feel so smitten I won't know what to do. Either way, it will be interesting.
Wednesday, 9 April 2008
Major Melancholy
Feeling quite unhappy, more specifically melancholy today. I’m looking forward to when S decides it’s time to speak to me again, and in the back of my mind I’m really scared she’s never going to. she has deleted her Facebook profile, and changed her number. She could cut me out of her life if she wanted. I’m so scared, I wish she could just tell me her feelings now. But I’ll try to give her time - it may well be worth it.
I went to see Craig again today to discuss how I am getting on. He seems quite keen to see me back on medication, which I think I agree with. I am irritable, demotivated, unhappy and lethargic. I don’t think I have felt this bad and unambitious for a long time. I have ideas but I can’t face going back to work, or coming up with a new way to make a living right now. I think I need to come up with something fairly quickly, but I seem to be able to hardly function intellectually. I feel useless at my job, and my profession. I think a change of scene will help, but I’ve no idea at the best way to achieve it right now.
I am looking forward to seeing the psychiatrist on Tuesday. I really hope she can help me. Craig says she is an excellent doctor. I hope she can figure out my messed up mind.
I went to see Craig again today to discuss how I am getting on. He seems quite keen to see me back on medication, which I think I agree with. I am irritable, demotivated, unhappy and lethargic. I don’t think I have felt this bad and unambitious for a long time. I have ideas but I can’t face going back to work, or coming up with a new way to make a living right now. I think I need to come up with something fairly quickly, but I seem to be able to hardly function intellectually. I feel useless at my job, and my profession. I think a change of scene will help, but I’ve no idea at the best way to achieve it right now.
I am looking forward to seeing the psychiatrist on Tuesday. I really hope she can help me. Craig says she is an excellent doctor. I hope she can figure out my messed up mind.
Monday, 7 April 2008
Homeward Bound
I am sick of the resentment my family has for my actions last week. Their attitude has changed from sympathy and support to anger and disdain. I don't feel like I have changed my attitude, but it's clear it's time to move home.
I yelled at my Mum last night when she gave me a hard time for taking Nicki into A&E. I was livid that she was angry at me for supporting my friend. It wasn't about me, it was about Nicki and she didn't seem to be able to understand that.
I am still really upset with her for putting her worry onto me. I can't deal with that, I can only reassure them, and I can't fix their pain. I'm sorry I hurt them, but I can't fix them. They will just have to live with the fact I tried to kill myself. I will have to live with it too.
At this point I don't even care how much it has affected my relationship with my family. I hate how despite everything they said, they want me to feel guilty for what I did. I already do, I don't need their help for that.
It's time to go home and detach the leash. They need to start trusting my judgment, and the only way they will start to do that is if they have no say in my decisions.
I yelled at my Mum last night when she gave me a hard time for taking Nicki into A&E. I was livid that she was angry at me for supporting my friend. It wasn't about me, it was about Nicki and she didn't seem to be able to understand that.
I am still really upset with her for putting her worry onto me. I can't deal with that, I can only reassure them, and I can't fix their pain. I'm sorry I hurt them, but I can't fix them. They will just have to live with the fact I tried to kill myself. I will have to live with it too.
At this point I don't even care how much it has affected my relationship with my family. I hate how despite everything they said, they want me to feel guilty for what I did. I already do, I don't need their help for that.
It's time to go home and detach the leash. They need to start trusting my judgment, and the only way they will start to do that is if they have no say in my decisions.
Hospitals, and Hiatus
Last night N took an overdose of venlafaxine when she was extremely upset. B had decided to take the kids out to see his new girlfriend without any discussion. So she took a whole bunch of tablets, only 5 or so. I made sure she wasn't in immediate risk, but she made me promise not to call an ambulance. I drove over and left a message for B. By the time I got there, he was back anyway.
What was worrying was his complete lack of ideas about what to do. He has lived with this girl for years but seemed unable to deal with the obvious upset that was going to happen around the time of their divorce. It's worrying I knew better how to handle it than him.
I called NHS direct and checked that she was physically OK. They recommended I take her to A&E to be checked out, which was a very good decision, since it put her in contact with doctors and care staff which is precisely what she needed. She spoke to two psychiatric nurses who really helped and are going to help follow up with her. I really want her to speak to people, and she does too. What remains a mystery is why her doctor hasn't helped her get talk therapy up until now. I hate how people handle mental illness - it is always the poor relative of physical illness, because people don't understand it. Even doctors.
I am glad she is OK though.
S has told me she's going into hiatus for a few days to clear her head. She says she is changing her number. She does things in a very strange way, I don't know why she couldn't ask for space instead. I am being tolerant because she said she is planning on moving here, and I think she really needs to decide if it's the right thing to do. And she has told me to think about the same thing. And I know I want to be with her still, but to be honest, her lack of communication and ignoring of my need for support right now does make things very difficult. But I said I would give her another chance, and I will. I don't think more pressure will do any good right now. So I guess I don't get to talk to her at all for a few days.
I'm going Mac shopping with A today. Hope I don't get too impulsive. I don't really need a new computer, but I really, really want one. Probably because I think it's going to make me happy, even though I know it's not really. Well, that's my usual problem to be honest.
What was worrying was his complete lack of ideas about what to do. He has lived with this girl for years but seemed unable to deal with the obvious upset that was going to happen around the time of their divorce. It's worrying I knew better how to handle it than him.
I called NHS direct and checked that she was physically OK. They recommended I take her to A&E to be checked out, which was a very good decision, since it put her in contact with doctors and care staff which is precisely what she needed. She spoke to two psychiatric nurses who really helped and are going to help follow up with her. I really want her to speak to people, and she does too. What remains a mystery is why her doctor hasn't helped her get talk therapy up until now. I hate how people handle mental illness - it is always the poor relative of physical illness, because people don't understand it. Even doctors.
I am glad she is OK though.
S has told me she's going into hiatus for a few days to clear her head. She says she is changing her number. She does things in a very strange way, I don't know why she couldn't ask for space instead. I am being tolerant because she said she is planning on moving here, and I think she really needs to decide if it's the right thing to do. And she has told me to think about the same thing. And I know I want to be with her still, but to be honest, her lack of communication and ignoring of my need for support right now does make things very difficult. But I said I would give her another chance, and I will. I don't think more pressure will do any good right now. So I guess I don't get to talk to her at all for a few days.
I'm going Mac shopping with A today. Hope I don't get too impulsive. I don't really need a new computer, but I really, really want one. Probably because I think it's going to make me happy, even though I know it's not really. Well, that's my usual problem to be honest.
Sunday, 6 April 2008
Too Far
I let it go too far, and now another woman feels like she is falling in love with me. I have clearly lost my tiny little mind, and although I tried my best to be just a friend to N, she wanted more.
I didn't cheat but I wanted to. I wanted to feel understood and loved so much. I wanted someone to embrace me and care for me the way S can't, even though she may want to.
So S called me a few times while I was out last night and tried to get hold of me with texts and emails. I was slow to reply, and didn't hear the phone ring, and when I got back from dinner and tried to call she couldn't answer because she was back at the house. She won't talk to me when he's around. And then despite me trying, the rest of the evening she was busy and couldn't get back to me. So when I respond, often she backs off. I don't know the best approach because I crave the support, but I don't want to get to close because I'm afraid of being hurt.
I was hoping I would get that from N, but she has told me to keep her at arms length. No one wants anything to happen, and I don't think it would be good for anyone.
So now I have no one who understands my feelings who really wants to talk to me about it. S is too close, N can't be close enough and H won't talk to me without getting way to personally upset about things. I think I put too much on her last week, and it wasn't fair. Why she was the one I contacted I don't know. Maybe because she wouldn't have found out I had died if hadn't have told her I was going to.
So I feel selfish for being ok, when everyone around me seems to be freaked out and alienated. I was just looking for a friend to talk to, but it's hard to find someone who really does want to listen, and doesn't want me to be more than just a friend.
My mum was upset she couldn't call me last night. She got through to me on the second try though, but was still upset when I got back, even though I told her what I'd be doing. I think she is starting to have her self esteem affected now, when before she was just worried about me. I am trying to keep everyone happy emotionally, and it can be very draining. I'm not sure why they don't see it - I'm supposed to be the needy one!
I figured I need to pull myself together and stand on my own two feet again. I have never had a problem doing that before. I wish people would trust my judgement though. Just because I made one crazy decision doesn't mean I am no longer able to think rationally.
I knew that the aftermath would be so, so hard. Which is why I intended to die. Living is so much less fun when everyone feels sorry for you. After they feel sorry for you though, I know what comes next. They start to resent how you made them feel guilty. It's not their fault, but I knew it would happen.
They want nothing but to talk to you at first, and then suddenly don't want to talk to you at all.
I am ok, but no one else seems to be.
I didn't cheat but I wanted to. I wanted to feel understood and loved so much. I wanted someone to embrace me and care for me the way S can't, even though she may want to.
So S called me a few times while I was out last night and tried to get hold of me with texts and emails. I was slow to reply, and didn't hear the phone ring, and when I got back from dinner and tried to call she couldn't answer because she was back at the house. She won't talk to me when he's around. And then despite me trying, the rest of the evening she was busy and couldn't get back to me. So when I respond, often she backs off. I don't know the best approach because I crave the support, but I don't want to get to close because I'm afraid of being hurt.
I was hoping I would get that from N, but she has told me to keep her at arms length. No one wants anything to happen, and I don't think it would be good for anyone.
So now I have no one who understands my feelings who really wants to talk to me about it. S is too close, N can't be close enough and H won't talk to me without getting way to personally upset about things. I think I put too much on her last week, and it wasn't fair. Why she was the one I contacted I don't know. Maybe because she wouldn't have found out I had died if hadn't have told her I was going to.
So I feel selfish for being ok, when everyone around me seems to be freaked out and alienated. I was just looking for a friend to talk to, but it's hard to find someone who really does want to listen, and doesn't want me to be more than just a friend.
My mum was upset she couldn't call me last night. She got through to me on the second try though, but was still upset when I got back, even though I told her what I'd be doing. I think she is starting to have her self esteem affected now, when before she was just worried about me. I am trying to keep everyone happy emotionally, and it can be very draining. I'm not sure why they don't see it - I'm supposed to be the needy one!
I figured I need to pull myself together and stand on my own two feet again. I have never had a problem doing that before. I wish people would trust my judgement though. Just because I made one crazy decision doesn't mean I am no longer able to think rationally.
I knew that the aftermath would be so, so hard. Which is why I intended to die. Living is so much less fun when everyone feels sorry for you. After they feel sorry for you though, I know what comes next. They start to resent how you made them feel guilty. It's not their fault, but I knew it would happen.
They want nothing but to talk to you at first, and then suddenly don't want to talk to you at all.
I am ok, but no one else seems to be.
Thoughts on Being Insane
Queue to understand and convey
And take a chance to get to know him inside
Like you never did before
It's not a last chance
But it feels so
And so we must continue to show how we feel
Romance the situation
And shoulder the blame
Though it is not our fault
We strive to make it the same
And endless platitudes will steal the day
Digest the meaning
And sweep it all away
Rugs are noted
Where dust once fell above
I must now slide it below a sunken mass
And never feel it again
The day sinks my body
And the sun sinks my heart
To face a lonely chasm again
Between what I wish I was
And what I really am
I don't know who either of them are
Not anymore
And take a chance to get to know him inside
Like you never did before
It's not a last chance
But it feels so
And so we must continue to show how we feel
Romance the situation
And shoulder the blame
Though it is not our fault
We strive to make it the same
And endless platitudes will steal the day
Digest the meaning
And sweep it all away
Rugs are noted
Where dust once fell above
I must now slide it below a sunken mass
And never feel it again
The day sinks my body
And the sun sinks my heart
To face a lonely chasm again
Between what I wish I was
And what I really am
I don't know who either of them are
Not anymore
Thursday, 3 April 2008
The Smoke Lifts?
S spoke to me last night, after a great deal of overreaction from myself. She told me she still loves me. We talked and talked, and I think we got somewhere. So she said she loves me. And it was such a relief that I can't even explain. I am going to try to give her time and space to sort out her feelings and life. And in the meantime, try to get on with mine.
I have a meeting with the head guy at work next week. He's been very concerned about me. The most striking thing about all of this, is how kind people have been. How genuinely caring and concerned they are. I will never forget that. There is so much to be grateful for.
I have a meeting with the head guy at work next week. He's been very concerned about me. The most striking thing about all of this, is how kind people have been. How genuinely caring and concerned they are. I will never forget that. There is so much to be grateful for.
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
Postal Request
I feel a bit sick today. S got the engagement ring through the post, along with the suicide letter I sent her and the 'will'. She admitted it had upset her very much. She has agreed to talk to me tonight, once I got upset with her riddles and strange behavior. She won't tell me anything but seems to be expecting something from me. She is unhappy about her decision and is hanging around waiting for me to do something about it. She did say she would send the ring back as soon as possible though.
I told her I don't know what I am supposed to do. I told her to either give me up and let me get on with the rest of my life, or admit she made a mistake and ask for what she needs, whether it is time, or whatever. She told me it was too confusing texting so we are talking on the phone later. It's like she is scared to properly let me go, but doesn't want to give up her husband either. You would think she'd think it was unfair to keep me hanging on. I must be worth more than this. She already choose him, but won't tell me why, and keeps saying she's unhappy. How can any of this be my fault? It did everything I could for her.
She certainly isn't getting a visit from me though, or all the emotional support she's asking for. She feels really bad and sort of expects me to fix her. She said she doesn't want anything from me. So why is she so unsure of her decision then? I don't think I can take any more of her messing me about. She says how sorry she is, but won't tell me why she did it or anything. She is playing with my head and I am finding it so hard to deal with.
If I get nothing out of her tonight, I will ignore her until she starts acting like I'm a human being with real feelings, and actually talking to me instead of giving me endless small talk. I feel like a mouse being pawed around by a cat - playing with my life because she has the power to. I know she isn't like that really, but she can't seem to see how her indecisiveness is affecting me.
I told her I don't know what I am supposed to do. I told her to either give me up and let me get on with the rest of my life, or admit she made a mistake and ask for what she needs, whether it is time, or whatever. She told me it was too confusing texting so we are talking on the phone later. It's like she is scared to properly let me go, but doesn't want to give up her husband either. You would think she'd think it was unfair to keep me hanging on. I must be worth more than this. She already choose him, but won't tell me why, and keeps saying she's unhappy. How can any of this be my fault? It did everything I could for her.
She certainly isn't getting a visit from me though, or all the emotional support she's asking for. She feels really bad and sort of expects me to fix her. She said she doesn't want anything from me. So why is she so unsure of her decision then? I don't think I can take any more of her messing me about. She says how sorry she is, but won't tell me why she did it or anything. She is playing with my head and I am finding it so hard to deal with.
If I get nothing out of her tonight, I will ignore her until she starts acting like I'm a human being with real feelings, and actually talking to me instead of giving me endless small talk. I feel like a mouse being pawed around by a cat - playing with my life because she has the power to. I know she isn't like that really, but she can't seem to see how her indecisiveness is affecting me.
Reasons for Living
Friends and Family
Tea
Honey Nut Shredded Wheat
Long walks in the countryside
Open fires
Stunning views
The way a woman looks, and smells in the morning
Long lie ins
Morning dew
Sunlight through the curtains and onto your bed
Hope for the future
Reminiscence for the past
Music you love
Music you hate, and know why
Moments of clarity
Those rare ephiphanys
Change and progress
Achievement and contibution
Kindness and caring
Driving down long country roads
Snuggling in bed
Open log fires
Books and reading
Endorphins
The clairity you gain in a run
The rush of adrenaline
Energy for life
How great you feel afterwards
The touch of someone you love
Hugs and kisses
Making love
Everything you can never put into words
The hated but familiar
Running water, streams, rivers, canals
Waterfalls
Rainbows
Warm rain
Thunderstorms
Getting drenched and not caring
Kissing in the rain
Tea
Honey Nut Shredded Wheat
Long walks in the countryside
Open fires
Stunning views
The way a woman looks, and smells in the morning
Long lie ins
Morning dew
Sunlight through the curtains and onto your bed
Hope for the future
Reminiscence for the past
Music you love
Music you hate, and know why
Moments of clarity
Those rare ephiphanys
Change and progress
Achievement and contibution
Kindness and caring
Driving down long country roads
Snuggling in bed
Open log fires
Books and reading
Endorphins
The clairity you gain in a run
The rush of adrenaline
Energy for life
How great you feel afterwards
The touch of someone you love
Hugs and kisses
Making love
Everything you can never put into words
The hated but familiar
Running water, streams, rivers, canals
Waterfalls
Rainbows
Warm rain
Thunderstorms
Getting drenched and not caring
Kissing in the rain
Married Women...
I was thrown a curveball today in the way of another interested married woman, who is having trouble with her relationship and wants me to rescue her. The timing is so bad that it could be a soap opera story. I would love to be with her if she wasn't married to one of my friends, and my fiance who was also already married hadn't just dumped me and pushed me to suicide. Life is ironic and cruel. And yet I feel guilty pushing her way because she really needs friends right now. I think I attract needy girls, I'm not sure what it is about me.
Tuesday, 1 April 2008
We Begin Our Story
Tuesday 1st April. April fools day.
I still feel sort of uninspired. I thought orginally that it would be a good idea starting a blog, but in constrast to most bloggers I feel like I have little, of no interest, to say.
The idea of writing a blog following a sucicide attempt is probably about as original as writing a cookery book, or a fantasy novel. But maybe it will help me anyway. Names are changed, the song remains the same.
I still feel sort of uninspired. I thought orginally that it would be a good idea starting a blog, but in constrast to most bloggers I feel like I have little, of no interest, to say.
The idea of writing a blog following a sucicide attempt is probably about as original as writing a cookery book, or a fantasy novel. But maybe it will help me anyway. Names are changed, the song remains the same.
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