Indecent Exposure

I've tried to act more maturely after everything that's happened, but I still find it difficult to go through with things the way I plan them. Work is going ok, and although I will be busy, the pressure isn't too much which makes a nice change. I prefer when people are gentle about what they want me to do, and at the moment people are very polite about asking me to do work, and I'm trying to encourage that to continue. I hope it will.

The trouble is, I can feel N getting more and more close to me and needy. I'm worried she'll fall in love with me, and she hinted at that tonight. I don't want her to. I don't feel the same way and I don't think I am capable of it right now anyway. I like her, but I am not ready to commit that way. I think I need to take a few steps back pretty soon.

I think it will be dangerous to keep sleeping with her. I feel so wanted, but it is unfair of me to take that from her, when I know I want nothing more. She says the same, but I don't believe her. She's not that sort of person.

Normally I get very clingy by now, but I'm not like that with her. I feel relaxed and I don't feel like I need to grab hold of her with all my might so she can't get away. It's sex and friendship and that's all. And I don't want or need anything else.

I've been taking the Lofepramine and so far haven't really had any bad side effects. I am not sure it's made me any happier either, but that can take several weeks I know. I have noticed my attention and motivation is improving though. I do feel like I am getting some drive back for life. I miss that so much. I can stand being unhappy if I at least have some energy to change things. Before the 'incident' I had all but lost my motivation to do much at all. Save from wanting to be with S.

So yes, that name comes up again. She's in my head, as if my thoughts are infused with her sometimes. I keep thinking of things to say to her when I am driving, or find out something new. And I know I'll never be able to now. I spoke to H about what had happened today. I'm glad it's over, I don't want to think about her, but the last few days it has been upsetting me. I am mostly angry, but I miss her too. So much.

I'm going to London tomorrow, then Hereford on Wednesday and Truro on Thursday. Lots of driving will be involved so I need to try to improve my sleeping. It's been awful for the last week. I toss and turn and keep waking, and walking around, and getting things to eat. I feel ok for my energy levels too, but my sleep is hit and miss.