Bye Bye and Bedknobs

So, as of Sunday it's over. S got back to me and wants to stay with her husband. She believes in the sanctity of marriage I suppose.

At the time I felt relieved of a huge burden, but now I just feel betrayed and useless about it. She was shitty to me, and wants to break off contact altogether. Anyone who treats me that way isn't worth knowing. I hope I can convince myself of that in the long run but right now, I just feel like an idiot, and like I did something wrong. Hopefully she will return the ring, although to be honest I don't feel certain of it, given how she has been treating me.

Things have taken off with N since then. I dived straight into bed with her and have spent a couple of nights with her. I don't know what will happen from it, but we both feel happy to look after each other right now, and I like spending time with her kids too. I am scared about the future with her, but I think she knows that I can't promise anything right now. I feel guilty for enjoying being wanted, for losing myself in her. I know it isn't pure, although I do really like her and feel connected to her.

Something is missing. I can't say 'I love you' when I am making love to her, or when I kiss her, or hold her. I can't say it because I don't feel it. In fact, I don't know if I will ever feel it again. My heart is so screwed up right now. What I really don't want is for her to fall in love with me, and for me to hurt her. That would be so unfair. I really don't know what is good for me or what I want right now. I hope she is ok with everything, she seems to be happy right now with how things are. Although she's still upset about B's new girlfriend. I think she still loves him. I don't want to let myself get too close to her until things are final between them. I don't want the same thing to happen again.

I went to K's funeral yesterday. It was depressing and emotionally draining, and I had to go to sleep for a couple of hours when I got back. I couldn't face the family afterwards, but my Mum gave me a hug and I felt better and had a nice meal with them. Later I went over and stayed with N. I freaked out because B was there when I got there, and so I ended up walking round the block and texting her. It seems horrible me sleeping with his wife. He is my friend, and I know he is sleeping with someone else too...but it still feels wrong.

I saw the psychiatrist this morning and she prescribed me lofepramine which is a TCA. I am nervous about the effects it will have on me. I took one a couple of hours ago and since then feel very restless. I hope it will help in a couple of weeks or so though.

I have ridiculous anxiety about money and keep obsessing over it. I don't know why I keep on wanting to buy stuff, and plan money matters. It's driving me nuts, I wish I could stop thinking about it. Things aren't bad really, and I have kept my job and have a good income, as well as a bonus coming in and perhaps some inheritance. I have nothing to worry about with money right now really, apart from how to slow down my spending. I don't know what's wrong with me.