Too Far

I let it go too far, and now another woman feels like she is falling in love with me. I have clearly lost my tiny little mind, and although I tried my best to be just a friend to N, she wanted more.

I didn't cheat but I wanted to. I wanted to feel understood and loved so much. I wanted someone to embrace me and care for me the way S can't, even though she may want to.

So S called me a few times while I was out last night and tried to get hold of me with texts and emails. I was slow to reply, and didn't hear the phone ring, and when I got back from dinner and tried to call she couldn't answer because she was back at the house. She won't talk to me when he's around. And then despite me trying, the rest of the evening she was busy and couldn't get back to me. So when I respond, often she backs off. I don't know the best approach because I crave the support, but I don't want to get to close because I'm afraid of being hurt.

I was hoping I would get that from N, but she has told me to keep her at arms length. No one wants anything to happen, and I don't think it would be good for anyone.

So now I have no one who understands my feelings who really wants to talk to me about it. S is too close, N can't be close enough and H won't talk to me without getting way to personally upset about things. I think I put too much on her last week, and it wasn't fair. Why she was the one I contacted I don't know. Maybe because she wouldn't have found out I had died if hadn't have told her I was going to.

So I feel selfish for being ok, when everyone around me seems to be freaked out and alienated. I was just looking for a friend to talk to, but it's hard to find someone who really does want to listen, and doesn't want me to be more than just a friend.

My mum was upset she couldn't call me last night. She got through to me on the second try though, but was still upset when I got back, even though I told her what I'd be doing. I think she is starting to have her self esteem affected now, when before she was just worried about me. I am trying to keep everyone happy emotionally, and it can be very draining. I'm not sure why they don't see it - I'm supposed to be the needy one!

I figured I need to pull myself together and stand on my own two feet again. I have never had a problem doing that before. I wish people would trust my judgement though. Just because I made one crazy decision doesn't mean I am no longer able to think rationally.

I knew that the aftermath would be so, so hard. Which is why I intended to die. Living is so much less fun when everyone feels sorry for you. After they feel sorry for you though, I know what comes next. They start to resent how you made them feel guilty. It's not their fault, but I knew it would happen.

They want nothing but to talk to you at first, and then suddenly don't want to talk to you at all.

I am ok, but no one else seems to be.