Sunday Train to Bluesville

As always it seems on a Sunday night, I cruise into Bluesville, wind the windows down, and start breathing in the smoky air. I am infused with it so heavily, and it becomes a part of me. The rest of me falls away, and suddenly there seems little time to be just me - only until the morning, when I have to be productive, useful me once again. That feeling you get, when you literally feel your heart sink. I got that again tonight.

I realise now more than ever what a fallacy that is though - they are both just different parts of the same person, but sometimes they seem worlds away. From here to a hundred and eighty miles south, from zero to one hundred and eighty miles an hour. That’s my Sunday and Monday feeling. Is it worth it all? I really hope so.

I am lying in bed but can’t sleep. It’s because I know I need the sleep that i find it difficult to. I am thinking a lot about N. She is so important to me, and today I knew I wanted to be with her, but I wasn’t ready yet. And then she told me she’s looking up guys on match.com, and I feel sad and jealous suddenly. I know I have no right, because I am not ready to commit to her, and yet I still do.

I told her what had happened, and she told me that I could have her, and I just needed to say. But I can’t say, because I’m so scared. She’s still married. Two months ago, it wouldn’t have mattered - I know how things are between them, I know that it’s over. But she misses him, she hurts, she fees all of things you’d expect. And I am scared that firstly, I am saving her from loneliness, and secondly she is doing the same for me. And how can I be sure? I can’t unless I wait. It seems worth the risk, but my heart is so tender, so unprotected that I can’t afford to give it away. I trusted S and she wrecked me. She pulled every piece apart with her actions. I know that I was broken already, but I was shattered by what happened.

And so, if she really wants me for me, I hope she still will in a little while. She asked if I’d rather she didn’t see other people. How could I say that to her? It would be so unfair. I guess I just hoped I was giving her what she needs, relationship or not. I can tell now that I’m not. But maybe I should let this one work itself out. I’m done with jumping on women. I need to let my heart recover. If she really cares she will still be there later. And I’ll have the clarity to know it’s a sound judgement, and not another stupid one, like I’ve been making lately.

So that’s it really. Another couple of purple pills. Onwards and upwards, I hope.