Testosterone

I am writing this from Maine, where I arrived yesterday - I'm staying for 9 days here, and then heading down to Jersey City to see Em. S and N have been very welcoming, and I feel really at home with them and their housemates. I am so past tired, and getting the strange jet lagged feeling where I should be sleeping, but I'm not really able to.

I am feeling slightly full of testosterone - for the past couple of days I've been surrounded by girls, some of whom are very attractive, and I've been sleeping next to S and trying to avoid hitting on her. Their housemate H is cute too and seems to like me... Oh man, this is going to be torture to control my hormones!

I met my female nemesis in the way of Sheri yesterday. She is so gorgeous, and completely knows it. It was hard to resist her charms but I have been warned off her because N had a thing with her earlier in the year, and it would really hurt her. I wouldn't do anything, but I enjoy flirting a bit. She loves having the boys after her, although I don't think I'm really her type anyway.

So many girls, so little time. Still, I have come for a good time, and I don't want to upset anybody. I will try to be less impulsive and think things through for a change...

It's really weird seeing people after all this time. It feels like home though still, just like it always did.

Worthless

I just had another very confusing conversation with S. I was interested in understanding her feelings about me, and why she has been doing what she's been doing. Trying to get her to tell me felt quite hard and painful.

When I got too emotive she got defensive and accusational, and at the end I felt like I was being attacked. I was being honest and genuinely talking about my feelings, and she just didn't seem comfortable with that.

When she did talk about how she felt, it felt like the the were layers and layers of pain, and regret and guilt and resentment. And huge walls. And I felt there was a lot of resentment towards me that she hasn't even expressed yet.

On Christmas eve when I started to get close emotionally she started insulting me in various ways, most indirectly, or by making comments about various things in my house or the way I acted. I can't think of a single compliment, but lots of derogatory comments. I don't get it. It's like she's not comfortable giving compliments. I can't think of a single compliment that she has given me, that I can remember. If I give them to her, she says things like 'I know', or whatever.

Today she got upset with me because I let her walk home alone the other night without checking she was ok. I didn't do anything. She choose to leave after I had told her a lot of personal stuff, about what has happened to me this year. So I was pretty hurt when she left. And she told me very little about herself. When she did it was peppered with angry accusations about me wanting to much, or asking too much.

I felt like I had sort of bared my soul to her and she didn't really care how difficult it had been to me, and was more interested in how difficult it was for her to hear, or how it made her feel guilty. I was looking for someone to tell this to, and she resents me for that it feels like.

So yeah, when she left I wasn't thinking about her, I was thinking about her leaving, and what it was that I had done that made her leave, then I was upset at her for leaving me when I didn't know what I had done.

And a few minutes later I was crying, and I cried for an hour. So I didn't ask if she'd be ok getting home, or call her a taxi or check on her. Because she had hurt my feelings a lot. It seems I am supposed to be some idea of what her ideal man was, and I didn't live up to that ideal. I wasn't her hero or knight in shining armour. It makes me think of a few song lyrics on a song I once performed on. Who the hell could be? These perfect people don't exist.

She wanted to sleep with me and be friends, and even talk about personal stuff and hear about it, but without revealing anything about herself.

On the way home, some guys came up to her and gave her a hard time, trying to come onto her in a horrible, sexual way. I felt like she was blaming me for that happening to her - that she expected me to protect her from that. If I wasn't upset, I would have offered to walk her home, or get a taxi, but she didn't want to see me, she wanted to be away from me, because I got to close, or too personal. She keeps blaming me for her issues and insecurities.

I really care about her. I don't know why I care so much. She barely knows me, but she guesses my feelings and who I am, and I let her do it. If I try the same with her, she is offended.

We stopped our conversation on the phone, because I was making her feel bad about herself. Not by accusing her of anything, but by asking her why she does things, and how she feels, and telling her how I feel. On the other hand, she made me feel bad about myself by telling me how awful I was being. I don't think I've had anyone so directly give me a hard time about things. She is the least forgiving person I've met emotionally. She doesn't seem to want to empathise with me at all, has no interest in caring. It's pretty damn self centred. N is certainly like that, but at least she pretends to be nice most of the time.

When I told her I had tried to kill myself, I didn't get surprise, or sympathy, or any such reaction. I felt like she thought I was trying to get something from her, make her feel obligated by telling her. Well, I guess I was. I wanted her to respect me for being able to tell her at least, to be able to try to empathise. I wanted some kind of connection. It felt like she would rather not have heard, and resented me telling her. I wished I'd never told her later.

I guess I must be attracted to women who are slightly unstable. I don't know why. I don't know what she wants from me at all, she doesn't seem to much be interested in my opinions, or feelings for her. What does she see in me, or care about me? She seems to have almost no respect for me at all. I don't feel important or significant in the way that I feel to anyone else in my life.

What the hell am I to her at all? She doesn't seem to see me as a friend. Did she just want to have sex, wanted me to make her feel good about herself? Whatever it was, it didn't seem to be a two way situation.

I have been through enough this year, why do I have to be made to feel like an awful person by yet another girl? I feel selfish, nasty and inconsiderate. I know that is not me. I try my best to be helpful, to be generous, to be kind. I am not perfect. But I care about how I affect people. I do mean things sometimes, but I don't try to do them. I don't try to hurt people. Some people do though.

Again I am crying. She is not worth this. No one who makes me feel this bad about myself is. Not this year or any other.

Give a Fuck

I am crying my way into Christmas day. I guess I can't be happy every year.

I am sick of being rejected for no reason. I am broken again. I fix myself and then I let someone break me. I am such a fucking loser.

I suppose in the end I am a charity case. Love and happiness, or take what you can, and get out as quick as you can? There's that Christmas spirit.

About Face Turn

Ok, talk about an about face turn. I was texting S last night until about 2am. She called me to discuss things, then I completely missed the hints that she wanted to come over. Eventually she said something like 'Well, I wasn't coming that close to your house anyway :p'.

A few minutes later she called and said she was across the road. She was sitting in a shopping trolley in the car park across the road, very drunk. I pushed her around in the trolley for a bit, which was fun. Then she pushed me around in it, and it fell over, and it hurt. So I decided not to play that game anymore...

Anyway, she came in, we talked for awhile, then we cuddled, then she decided she wanted to climb into bed with me, but nothing was going to happen. After kissing her back for a couple of minutes, she rolled over and jumped on me. We had sex, it was great, I loved it... She wouldn't leave me alone most of the night, and I hardly got any sleep.

Still, amazing. And she's coming over again tonight I think. If she didn't freak out this morning realising what she'd done. Still, she seemed ok, albeit hungover.

Ok, I wasn't as gentlemanly as I could have been, but when a girl shows up at 2.30am unannounced, what else would a guy think, but 'she wants me'? I guess I was right...

:D

Hope and Disappointment

I'm starting to feel a little sad about S, who it seems isn't much interested in anything more than friendship. She was flirting with me, but she's stopped now, I think she's got scared. I feel a little down about it, because I really thought it was going well, and we had a good connection. Still, she has just got back in England, and who knows what will happen tomorrow. I hope she doesn't cancel on me or anything. I think I would actually cry.

N texted me this evening - I've been over at B's babysitting the kids. I am unsure why she did, because when I texted back she didn't reply. Maybe just to see if I was ignoring her. I was going to, but I told the kids she had texted, and T said, 'are you going to write back?' After that, I felt guilty considering ignoring her.

When I put the kids to bed, T tried to get me to stay, and said I could sleep in B and K's room. I said they were coming back later, he then suggested I build a bed so I can stay here too, and not have to go home. I felt bad again for leaving. I feel like a shitty useless person in their lives sometimes. I can't give them what I wanted to any more. I tread on someone's toes, and they aren't my kids. I hate what N has put me and them through, I just can't believe how much I have had to deal with from so many women this year. None of them have a clue what they want. I don't know what it is I am missing that women keep giving up on me for. Why do I have to give so much to people, and then have them turn around and spit in my face?

On the other hand, my date with A went really well. We met for coffee, then decided to go for lunch, and had lunch at a nice French place near Matlock. Then we went for a long walk. I spent about 6 hours with her, chatting non-stop. She's really intelligent, very very pretty, and probably the nicest person I have met in a long time.

She was shy at first, but soon warmed up. We have a lot in common, and I think it could be a really good thing. We are meeting up next Saturday for lunch, perhaps in Derby this time. I hope it goes well, I need some hope. She isn't the sort of girl I would want to rush with. She is very nice, and seems nervous about getting involved. But she's so warm, and genuinely caring. I don't know if I really know anyone like her that actually likes me.

To be honest, if I had the choice, I would still go for S, if she would give me a chance, I would wait. It's not that A isn't awesome, it's just I don't know her that well yet. I feel like I could hurt her too, she seems quite a fragile person emotionally. Anyway, whatever happens, I am free and single at the moment, and so I can decide what I want to do myself. I do like committing to someone though. I've never been the player sort really. I am now confused because although I have lots of female interest now, it's on a very friendship kind of level. I don't feel like I've met anyone who either wants to jump into bed with me, or start a relationship with me, or both. Still, I guess there's lots of hope.

In more exciting news (I'm full of it today), I'm off to Maine on Sunday, so I'll be seeing old friends. I'm determined to have an swesome time, and I think they will make sure I do. It will be cool to spend new year somewhere different for a change too. My friends have been pretty disappointing of late. I would expect a very dull new year if I stayed here.

Also, I plan to spend a little time in New Jersey on the way back, and see my friend E who I've been talking to lately. She's been a lot of support with everything that happened with N, and I really want to see her and tell her how much I appreciate it. She seems excited to see me too, and is checking with her girlfriend on what they'll be up to.

So, a bit of an up and down week to be honest. I have hope and disappointment all over the place...

Dancing Drama Queen

Going out with N last night was clearly a big mistake. I was generally doing ok, and I was trying to stay detached emotionally, even when she was going on about her new boyfriend, despite me having made it clear before we went out that it was an off limits topic. She talked about him and other guys a lot. I mostly just tried to pretend it didn't bother me.

It was going well and we were having fun, until we started dancing together. I think I put my arm round her and stuff which she said was ok, but not to cross the line. I was making her laugh a lot and she seemed to be having a good time.

But when we started dancing she started grinding against me. Then she told me off for dancing too close to her, so I backed off a bit, and she started grinding into me again.

Apparently, her side of the story is that I did it to her. This is not the case, she did it to me, and she was enjoying it for awhile, until she realised what she was doing.

A few minutes later we sat down, and she told me I had crossed the line. I burst out laughing at this. I would normally have been upset or angry, but what she said was so unfair after the way she had just been acting that it was actually very humorous. And I wouldn't tell her why I was laughing. When I did, she walked out. No talking about it, or anything, she stormed out and left. After me buying the meal, drinks all night, entry to the club, and us mostly getting on fine, she found an excuse to blame me for something that made her uncomfortable, and I was again the bad guy in her latest drama.

We had stupid arguments this morning, and I refused to accept responsibility. I apologised for upsetting her by laughing, because I didn't intend to. But she overreacted. Like she often does.

I am sick of the anxiety, of feeling like I am walking on egg shells because the next thing I do or say will upset her. And she moans and complains all the time to me. I am sick of hearing how awful her life is, how bad everything is for her. I ask her to help me with things, start paying back the money she owes me, respect my wishes about what I don't want to talk about with her, or stop talking to me, and she's unable to do any of these things. She doesn't respect me, she has no integrity, and she is incredibly and unbelievably selfish most of the time.

After she left, she apparently met a man on the street, who offered her a lift. She accepted after speaking to him for 5 minutes. Then she went to the car park, but it had closed. So she spent 3 hours talking to him until it opened at 5am, and then got him to drop her off. She's crazy.

Enough about bitchface. I am sick to the back teeth of her and her shit. I have blocked her on MSN. We'll see how long it is before she decides she really wants to speak to me again. Hopefully a good while.

On the other side of things, I am making new friends with girls I've met on the net, and I have another date tommorrow with a lovely girl, who we'll call A. We get on well, and she seems sweet and nice. We're meeting for coffee, then possibly lunch tomorrow. I hope I'm ok, and don't act all stupid like I've been doing at dates before.

Even better news is that S is coming back from Greece in a couple of days, and she's coming over on Christmas Eve. It's too early to tell if we have a chance of being anything more than friends, but she is a wonderful friend. She's beautiful, intelligent, articulate and passionate. She's an awesome girl. I hope I have a chance with her. I am starting to feel her warming to me, and I have made a real connection with her, more than I have with anyone for a long time. I think she's very scared of getting involved though, although I'm pretty sure she is attracted to me still, and likes me. The only trouble is, if we did get involved then she'd be in Greece for a few months still. I'd miss her so much. I think I will anyway after I've seen her. I suppose I could always go out there though.

So, the other sides of my social life are picking up. I actually have two more girls I've planned to go on dates with, and have agreed. An intelligent ecologist, and a sexy social worker. I am really attracted to the social worker, but not so much on an intellectual level. She'd be fun to go out with though. The ecologist girl, I'm not sure I really fancy. But I get on with her well. I also have three more women on Guardian Soulmates interested in me, and a couple of girls I haven't written back to yet on match.com.

I think I tried too hard a week or two ago, and now I have more interest than I can handle. I am replying to so many emails, and trying to remember what I have asked everybody. It's hard work. So I asked A almost immediately if she wanted to go out. It saves all the getting to know each other, and then being disappointed after you meet. I'd rather meet her sooner and see if we are compatible or not. She is rather pretty, very pretty actually, and she is extremely intelligent, seems quite passionate, and has a soft sweet manner to her. She's a counsellor and alternative therapist. Great profession for a potential girlfriend lol. I suppose even if we aren't romantically interested, there's a chance that we could be friends.

So in other respects, life is good. Work went well this week, and I am finally starting to feel more productive and put some passion in. I realise that N has had me emotionally exhausted, I just have so little to give sometimes. If I stopped talking to her, perhaps the constant anxiety will fade. I hope so. B seems to think it helped him a lot. I am glad to start enjoying work again, it feels awful that I don't have the energy and passion for it I used to, and I'm glad some of my interest in computers is coming back again.

Never Forget

The last few weeks, attracting any interest from most of my friends has been very difficult. I can't get people to go out, even after offering to buy them drinks, and I'm getting a bit sick of it. Also, dating has dried up a bit, and I was feeling positively miserable being at home on a Saturday night, when I am young free and single. I feel reasonably attractive, but I don't seem to be able to get any romantic interest in me, no matter how much I flirt, chat, or how I treat people.

I am working the dating websites, sending lots of emails, and not getting many replies from women. On the other hand, men aren't really leaving me alone, and slightly flirting in a jokey way seems to be bringing every horndog to my door recently. Why isn't it working with women too? I'm not ready to give men that sort of attention, and I want an emotional connection with people right now, not a sexual one.

I am still upset about N, and I just want some sort of social life to take my mind off things, and help move on with my life. When I start making an emotional connection with a woman though, they seem to be incredibly clear about it just being friends. It's getting on my wick. What is wrong with me? Why can't I keep a girlfriend or have a long term relationship? When I am with another girl, women seem to all be interested in me. Once I'm single, it's a different matter.

It's so frustrating. All I really want is a friend, and an emotional connection. It's so hard even to get that with anyone other than N. Everyone is keeping me at arms length. It's sort of like everyone knows unstable I have been recently. Was there a memo about it recently!?

I don't think I'll ever be able to live down my mental health problems. I really think they will haunt me forever. I am seriously thinking about moving down to London, trying to make new friends and start again. People who don't know me, and don't know my past and my issues. And people who will take me for who I am, rather than who they think I am.

I feel like a lot of people hate me for making them feel bad. I think N does and she won't admit it to me. But people think of you in terms of the way you make them feel about themselves. And the overdose I took completely broke me and N's relationship. After that, nothing was the same. My first suicide attempt lost me my relationship with Sarah. And my arrest and suicidal behaviour 5 or 6 weeks ago alienated two more of my friends. I feel like a complete loser about everything that has happened this year.

I hate that the horrendous circumstances leading to me being suicidal will keep haunting me. Everyone knows. All of my friends. And they won't ever forget. It's something that will be with me forever.

Don't Let the Beg Buds Bite

I got to see the kids today again - I realised just how much I had missed them when I got big hugs and a lot of attention from little L. He was really happy to see me, and so was T. Awesomeness. I got to have dinner with them, chatted with B and K and then we gave them a bath and I read T a couple of stories. He kept on saying he loved me, and I felt so sad that I haven't seen him more. I wanted to be a stable guy in their life, and I guess that won't be able to happen the same way. But I felt grateful for B allowing me to see them, and letting me take on some responsibility without feeling threatened. It's hard to know if I am getting too involved or not.

When T was ready to sleep, he said 'please stay' to me, and then told me his teddy had said it. I told him I'd be back to see him soon. I felt really sad. I lost a lot more than just N when our relationship ended. We did our little thing, where I say 'sleep tight' and he finishes it with 'don't let the beg buds bite'. So cute :)

Later B commented that it was clear I had got really close to T and that he liked how I cared about him so much. I offered to baby sit and things if they needed it, and he seemed to be keen on the idea. I hope I can see more of them, they really make me happy.

On the other side of things, I got a visit from someone who seemed to be from Inland Revenue today looking for N. She wouldn't tell me who she was, and said it was personal and could only speak to N. I gave her N's address. I perhaps could have refused, but it seemed a bit pointless to be difficult since it wouldn't be that hard for them to find her new one from her national insurance number and salary records. I texted her and told her, and she asked lots of questions. I don't want her to get into trouble, but it's not really my problem. On talking to B later, he said N had told him she'd paid back the tax credits she owed back, and that as far as he knew he was paying back all the money he owed them by agreement. So, I guess she misled him somewhat there, though why, I don't know. Still, really not my problem.

I have been trying not to talk to her, since I publically embrassed her on facebook on Monday, and she was very upset. We had a big argument. I apologised the next day, but she said 'I don't think an apology will cut it this time.' I realised that the only way I could get out of this cycle was to stop talking to her at all.

Since then she has contacted me about 3 times, but I think she'll start backing off. I try to avoid responding if I can. I'll only talk to her about what I need to, and try to get to a place where the horrible anxiety and dread I feel about doing things wrong starts to fade. It wasn't just me - B says he gets it too, and that things got a lot better after they broke up. She has a serious personality disorder, and requires constant attention. Even if it's negative attention. I think she'll probably contact me some more, which is ok. I just need to be strong and stay as stoic and calm as I can about things from now on. I need to regain my own self esteem, and stop worrying about what's happening in her life.

I remembered the BPD book I got early in the year when I was trying to deal with the same sort of thing with C. A huge fear of abandonment, coupled with a fierce independence and stubornness. N is different, but she has a few of the same traits. In people in relationships with people with BPD, it is common for them to get physical symptoms related to anxiety - the 'walking on eggshells' idea culminates in actual physical discomfort. Both me and B have experienced very similar things with N. Like feelings of dread or feeling sick when you know you will have to deal with a difficult mood, or an appeal for attention. I got severe paranoia after we broke up, and since them my sleeping has been extremely bad, and I keep waking up in the night in fits of anxiety. I know this is to do with depression, but the anxiety is definately at least in part from being in a constant state of alert for the last 4 months or so.

After showing him the symptoms list for Histrionic Personaity Disorder, he agreed that she showed almost all the symptoms. The trouble about personality disorders is that they are part of a personality itself. They can't be 'cured' easily. Only over the long term. They usually come about in early adulthood, and tend to receed later in life though. So there is hope there :)

Nothing Will Ever Be You

Songs don't always come from the places you expect them to. A case in point. Is the girl I am sad about, really what I'm sad about, or is it something else?

Rejection isn't new, it's just a different take on an old tune.



I wonder what on earth you're doing today
Now you don't talk to me
So many miles away
I had an excuse
To think of someone new
But she'll never do
She's not you

But god forbid I ever forget
How I felt that day
I still don't feel regret
And I still have so much to say
I hoped that I would marry you
And I still do

Oh Sarah you spoke to my soul
And now it's gone
The story left untold
Standing on a precipice
Hating life itself
A man don't come back from that
How can I forget?

Oh Sarah marry me please
Take me back
I'm begging on my knees
I never knew how much I needed you
But I still do


An illusion to cover my mistakes
I feel so guilty for hurting you that way
It doesn't matter what others say or do
I'm still in love with you

My dreams are gone, but I like to think of you
In the evening, or mid afternoon
As the sun shines through the glass
I feel the warmth I knew
It will never do
She's not you.

Oh Sarah a ring was not enough
To keep my heart from being crushed
Love's assault everything I knew
Was not enough for you

Oh Sarah what was wrong with me?
How didn't I begin to meet your needs?
Was it too much to soon,
To be so in love with you?



It seems forgiveness didn't come too soon
But I've forgiven you
And I moved on too
I still miss your little smile
I'll think of it awhile
While I dream of you
Like I always do


Oh Sarah how did you know?
When to hold on, and when to let go?
I gave you everything
How much I trusted you
I don't know why I still do

Oh Sarah marry me please
I'll do anything
I'm begging on my knees
I've never needed anything like I need you
This will never do
Nothing will ever be you.

.....


And so it goes. The deeper into the rabbit hole I go, the deeper I regret. I hate myself for so many things that I don't even know where to start.

Selfish Bitch

Another eventful day. I started flirting too much with N this morning who made it clear she wasn't interested. I took the hint and left her alone, trying to concentrate on work. I was having a pretty productive day, and felt pretty glad about it.

Later B called me to talk about me seeing the kids later in the week, so we arranged for Thursday afternoon. Then he told me what N had said about the kids meeting her new guy.

Now, myself and N had had a conversation about this last night, where I told her that she should be very careful because of how upset T had been this week about the divorce, and he wasn't even sleeping by himself anymore. He's been behaving really badly and asking why Daddy doesn't love Mummy anymore to B. She assured me she was being careful, that I didn't need to warn her, and that he'd not be meeting G until after Christmas.

Later today, independently, N decides it is the perfect time to introduce G into the mix. T wouldn't sleep tonight apparently, and has had to sleep in her bed. Strangely, G somehow manages to meet T before he goes to bed, despite the idea being that he comes round after the kids are in bed. Weird how that turned out. What a co-incidence. B told me on the phone that she had sounded like they might meet 'accidentally' and she hadn't been concerned about it.

She had me livid when I heard all this. I sent her a text (which as usual she ignored). I posted facebook message about how selfish I thought she was being. At this point I was so angry with her, I thought about calling social services. I remembered all the times she left the house without giving the kids breakfast, didn't wash clothes, and was late over and over again for everything. All the times I had to convince her to get up while I was doing their breakfast. All the times she sits on the computer and ignores the kids and anything else that needs doing. She can be a good mother, and loving, but at the moment all she can think about is herself. She's so full of herself, so absorbed in her own problems that she can't see anyone elses. B told me how the kids missed their vacinations and she didn't return the health visitors calls, and how T has been missing sessions at school. Eventually B had to take them to get the vacinations because she didn't sort it out.

I am just so sick of her excuses. When she came online later, she read the stuff on facebook and freaked. Then she got mad and accused me of lots of things. I didn't rise to the bait and when accused me of doing it because I was jealous, and all this sort of thing. She tried everything she could to twist things around to me, including threatening self harm. She's never done that before to me, but I know she has threatened to hurt herself to B before. It didn't work, I said I wasn't taking responsibility for her hurting herself. And she started being nice to me, and trying to say how hard she was finding it. Nothing made me more sympathetic, so she gave up.

That is the first time I haven't given into her, and haven't felt guilty about it afterwards. She's just gone way too far for me to sympathise anymore. Everything is her first, everyone else second.

She needs to grow up, and quickly. I hope one day she'll get over the self pity, and start seeing that she is a mother of two children and needs to act like an adult.

Life Marches On

Weird day. I sort of slagged of N's latest crush, and took him to pieces a bit because I think he might be the same guy C had a lot of trouble with. Then I left and went off to the gym, which turned out to be a fabulously good mood. I took my anger and frustration out on the treadmill and weights, and left feeling like a different person. After that, I started talking to her later, and I discussed going swimming with her on Thursday mornings, which we are going to do I think. We are going to buy Christmas trees this Thursday though.

I have a lot of hope of being friends with her. I really hope I can keep going and get over the hurt, at the same time as keeping in contact with her. It's important, and I really want to have the strength. Most of the issues I have are inside my own head, which is where I need to repair the damage. I hope I can be strong enough to do that.

I talked about T who seems to be having issues at the moment with B and N's breakup. I miss the kid, I really want to see him soon. Perhaps N will let me see them in a week or so. B will perhaps let me see them this coming week. I feel like it would help to be there for him at the moment.

Life marches on. It is starting to feel like the meaning will come back. But it's not there yet.

Needy Little Boy

I nearly went out with N last night to see some bands but she wasn't feeling well, I tried three other people and two of them didn't reply, so I spent another night in on the internet. I'm getting really sick of my friends not wanting to be friends. I only want to go out and have a good time, but they just don't seem interested. The only nights out I'm having are dates with almost strangers. It's nice, but I need someone I know to go out with too!

I got into another emotive discussion with N which descended to and from an argument. I was trying to be standoffish and slightly mean, but after a few glasses of wine it quickly descended into a lack of control and messy feelings, me telling how much I loved her still and how much I wanted her, and bla bla bla. I think maybe I should stop drinking for a week or two, and see if it helps control my emotions a bit better. I am struggling to cope with the constant anxiety at the moment.

So this morning I woke again at 5am, managed to get back to sleep for an hour, then the anxiety kicked in again and I was wide awake and couldn't get back to sleep. It's getting to be an amazong pain. I can't remember the last time I had a proper, uninterupted night's sleep. I don't know the best thing to do about it.

In other news, I thought I'd give growing a beard a go. Never tried before. The idea makes me feel manly :)

Miss Demeanor

I brought a lot of things up with R today in therapy - how I feel about men, and my issues around an encounter with Sandy years ago and how it affected me. I only need to bring up C next week and she'll have the full picture of just how screwed up I am. But she didn't seem judgemental, and she asked a lot about how I felt about telling her, which helped me realise it scared me a lot.

I lent some money to C earlier in the week. She was going to bring it back tonight, but she is in Derby after a show. I asked if she wanted to go out for a drink if I met her in Mansfield, and she suggested going out for dinner too, which sounded nice. So I said yes. But she's too tired now, and I worked her down to a takeaway, but then she warns me she has to go to Tesco too. I am then confused on why she asked me about dinner in the first place. I guess she just is tired, so I've asked if she'd like to do it another day instead. She's nutty as she always has been. She called to apologise and explained she was doing three shows a day for 6 days a week. Sounds like hard work, I'm not surprised she's tired.

I met up with B in the pub this afternoon. We did talk about other stuff apart from N for awhile. Then we complained about her for an hour and a half, and shared gossip. At least I don't feel alone in the way I think about her, and the huge amount of anxiety she caused me. B said something about dreading each day, and the new stresses it would bring, which is something I could really relate to. She told me she has got an appointment for therapy though. All I can say is thank god. She really needs this help, and I hope she will be open to examining herself, and her motivation for things. I think she has a histrionic personality, and she has a constant need for attention and approval. It won't be easy, but she can change and move on if she wants to.

...Several hours past without me publishing this. I rearranged with C for Sunday. And then I watched a couple of episodes of the wire, had a couple of glasses of wine, and started thinking about N again. I wish I didn't feel so lonely. It's weird - since I've been apart from her, whenever she's out and I'm not, it's like I'm missing a party I really wanted to be invited to, and everyone's having fun but me...
It's obvious I've still not completely let her go. I think I'll know I have when I start to know who I am again, start to enjoy the things I used to do, and feel capable. I hope that comes soon, I miss feeling like I am coping and doing well with my life. I think I deserve to be happy, I try my best, and I try to be a good person. I deserve to have some happiness.

Sandy Beaches

Morning pop-pickers. I'm not sure who I'm addressing exactly, because as far as I am aware, no one reads this!

This morning I'm feeling uncertain again. I've yet to get anywhere exploring the depths of my subconscious, and am rapidly coming to the conclusion that it's not worth worrying about. I'll do what I feel like and see what happens. I have decided I could do with a new hobby to keep me occupied though, something to work my brain a little that I enjoy. I think it will help with work and getting back to the kind of thinking I could do a few months ago.

I feel very shallow and vain recently - I think I've been talking for N too long. I spoke to B about her this morning, who is really glad to be rid of her. I guess I am starting to feel the same. I don't get much from her but complaints these days, and she's not a friend who makes me feel good about myself, she makes me feel worse. I think I will try to develop a standoff relationship with her and avoid having her feelings get to me. There are other women out there, and they are better for me. I can accept having feelings for her without having to act on them.

I realised what a lot I've been through this year when I contacted my old friend Sandy (that's obviously not her actual name). She's someone I slept with a long time ago, she used to be my friend's girlfriend. I had stronger feelings for her then too, but it was a menage et trois, with him and her, and I felt guilty for feeling that way about her for a long time. I guess it's in the past now though, perhaps something new will develop, or at least I will be able to be friends with her again. I miss that.

I have a therapy appointment soon, so I will cut this short. Perhaps I'll write more later.

Old Friends

I don't know what I want anymore. I think it's just to have a bit of fun and get to know some new people, but I get insecure and scared sometimes like today. I am confused about my sexuality a lot at the moment, because of all these new feelings I'm getting. I am getting very attracted to certain men, and it's scary for me.

I think I just need to cool down and stop pushing myself in various directions. I am still in love, I am still seeking something I need to find in myself from other people. I am struggling to find my identity, which has been so all over the place this year, that I don't really know who I am anymore.

I thought I was going to get married, then I thought I was my own man, then I thought I was a father, now I don't know what the hell I am. I am just a guy, lacking in faith and something to pursue.

I had dreams and ambitions, and they are slipping away one by one. I just want to learn to enjoy life, but all it feels like right now is a string of random moments. I feel anxious all the time, and uncertain, and unhappy.

My job is difficult and I am struggling to concentrate - my abilities are way down on what they used to be. I struggle to understand things, I am slow.

I am still fit and healthy, but my body is never good enough for me, I want better muscles, a better stomach, better skin and hair. I work hard at the gym, but not hard enough. Nothing I do is good enough for me, and I don't know how to get out of this cycle. I wish I could just start to feel happy with who I am again. I want people to like me so much, that I don't even think about liking myself a lot of the time.

I think the crucial thing I am missing is confidence in my abilities. I have lost my intellectual confidence a lot, and my drive and ambition. I had lots of plans, and I don't know where they've all gone, or what I need to do to achieve them anymore. I don't know what will make me happy, other than a loving relationship. That's not something that's easy to find. And I'm not sure I'm ready.

I've been talking to an old friend who I've always been attracted to. We're going to meet up around christmas. I guess I think we are well suited, and I have nice fantasy ideas about me and her. But she'll be working abroad until halfway through next year, so I don't know if anything could really happen with us, even if we both wanted it to. But at least at the moment, my little crush gives me hope that there is a woman out there for me. I miss believing that. I wish I could find someone loyal, and loving and kind, to show me that such women exist, and want to be with me.

Dating and Damsels

I went out on another date tonight with a nice girl. We seem to get on pretty well, although there aren't really many sparks there. I'd really like to have her as a friend though, even if nothing happens. She seems really cool, and a laid back, kind person. I really would like to get to know her better. I hope she feels the same.

I have been having a lot of surprises lately about my sexuality. I have always known that I am slightly gay, and find men attractive sometimes, but have never acted on these feelings, or had any major sexual impulses towards men. Recently things have changed - I've been having sexual fantasies involving men. I'm not sure how much I am going to follow through with it yet, but it's exciting and scary at the same time. Very weird though.