Never Forget

The last few weeks, attracting any interest from most of my friends has been very difficult. I can't get people to go out, even after offering to buy them drinks, and I'm getting a bit sick of it. Also, dating has dried up a bit, and I was feeling positively miserable being at home on a Saturday night, when I am young free and single. I feel reasonably attractive, but I don't seem to be able to get any romantic interest in me, no matter how much I flirt, chat, or how I treat people.

I am working the dating websites, sending lots of emails, and not getting many replies from women. On the other hand, men aren't really leaving me alone, and slightly flirting in a jokey way seems to be bringing every horndog to my door recently. Why isn't it working with women too? I'm not ready to give men that sort of attention, and I want an emotional connection with people right now, not a sexual one.

I am still upset about N, and I just want some sort of social life to take my mind off things, and help move on with my life. When I start making an emotional connection with a woman though, they seem to be incredibly clear about it just being friends. It's getting on my wick. What is wrong with me? Why can't I keep a girlfriend or have a long term relationship? When I am with another girl, women seem to all be interested in me. Once I'm single, it's a different matter.

It's so frustrating. All I really want is a friend, and an emotional connection. It's so hard even to get that with anyone other than N. Everyone is keeping me at arms length. It's sort of like everyone knows unstable I have been recently. Was there a memo about it recently!?

I don't think I'll ever be able to live down my mental health problems. I really think they will haunt me forever. I am seriously thinking about moving down to London, trying to make new friends and start again. People who don't know me, and don't know my past and my issues. And people who will take me for who I am, rather than who they think I am.

I feel like a lot of people hate me for making them feel bad. I think N does and she won't admit it to me. But people think of you in terms of the way you make them feel about themselves. And the overdose I took completely broke me and N's relationship. After that, nothing was the same. My first suicide attempt lost me my relationship with Sarah. And my arrest and suicidal behaviour 5 or 6 weeks ago alienated two more of my friends. I feel like a complete loser about everything that has happened this year.

I hate that the horrendous circumstances leading to me being suicidal will keep haunting me. Everyone knows. All of my friends. And they won't ever forget. It's something that will be with me forever.