Old Friends

I don't know what I want anymore. I think it's just to have a bit of fun and get to know some new people, but I get insecure and scared sometimes like today. I am confused about my sexuality a lot at the moment, because of all these new feelings I'm getting. I am getting very attracted to certain men, and it's scary for me.

I think I just need to cool down and stop pushing myself in various directions. I am still in love, I am still seeking something I need to find in myself from other people. I am struggling to find my identity, which has been so all over the place this year, that I don't really know who I am anymore.

I thought I was going to get married, then I thought I was my own man, then I thought I was a father, now I don't know what the hell I am. I am just a guy, lacking in faith and something to pursue.

I had dreams and ambitions, and they are slipping away one by one. I just want to learn to enjoy life, but all it feels like right now is a string of random moments. I feel anxious all the time, and uncertain, and unhappy.

My job is difficult and I am struggling to concentrate - my abilities are way down on what they used to be. I struggle to understand things, I am slow.

I am still fit and healthy, but my body is never good enough for me, I want better muscles, a better stomach, better skin and hair. I work hard at the gym, but not hard enough. Nothing I do is good enough for me, and I don't know how to get out of this cycle. I wish I could just start to feel happy with who I am again. I want people to like me so much, that I don't even think about liking myself a lot of the time.

I think the crucial thing I am missing is confidence in my abilities. I have lost my intellectual confidence a lot, and my drive and ambition. I had lots of plans, and I don't know where they've all gone, or what I need to do to achieve them anymore. I don't know what will make me happy, other than a loving relationship. That's not something that's easy to find. And I'm not sure I'm ready.

I've been talking to an old friend who I've always been attracted to. We're going to meet up around christmas. I guess I think we are well suited, and I have nice fantasy ideas about me and her. But she'll be working abroad until halfway through next year, so I don't know if anything could really happen with us, even if we both wanted it to. But at least at the moment, my little crush gives me hope that there is a woman out there for me. I miss believing that. I wish I could find someone loyal, and loving and kind, to show me that such women exist, and want to be with me.