Worthless

I just had another very confusing conversation with S. I was interested in understanding her feelings about me, and why she has been doing what she's been doing. Trying to get her to tell me felt quite hard and painful.

When I got too emotive she got defensive and accusational, and at the end I felt like I was being attacked. I was being honest and genuinely talking about my feelings, and she just didn't seem comfortable with that.

When she did talk about how she felt, it felt like the the were layers and layers of pain, and regret and guilt and resentment. And huge walls. And I felt there was a lot of resentment towards me that she hasn't even expressed yet.

On Christmas eve when I started to get close emotionally she started insulting me in various ways, most indirectly, or by making comments about various things in my house or the way I acted. I can't think of a single compliment, but lots of derogatory comments. I don't get it. It's like she's not comfortable giving compliments. I can't think of a single compliment that she has given me, that I can remember. If I give them to her, she says things like 'I know', or whatever.

Today she got upset with me because I let her walk home alone the other night without checking she was ok. I didn't do anything. She choose to leave after I had told her a lot of personal stuff, about what has happened to me this year. So I was pretty hurt when she left. And she told me very little about herself. When she did it was peppered with angry accusations about me wanting to much, or asking too much.

I felt like I had sort of bared my soul to her and she didn't really care how difficult it had been to me, and was more interested in how difficult it was for her to hear, or how it made her feel guilty. I was looking for someone to tell this to, and she resents me for that it feels like.

So yeah, when she left I wasn't thinking about her, I was thinking about her leaving, and what it was that I had done that made her leave, then I was upset at her for leaving me when I didn't know what I had done.

And a few minutes later I was crying, and I cried for an hour. So I didn't ask if she'd be ok getting home, or call her a taxi or check on her. Because she had hurt my feelings a lot. It seems I am supposed to be some idea of what her ideal man was, and I didn't live up to that ideal. I wasn't her hero or knight in shining armour. It makes me think of a few song lyrics on a song I once performed on. Who the hell could be? These perfect people don't exist.

She wanted to sleep with me and be friends, and even talk about personal stuff and hear about it, but without revealing anything about herself.

On the way home, some guys came up to her and gave her a hard time, trying to come onto her in a horrible, sexual way. I felt like she was blaming me for that happening to her - that she expected me to protect her from that. If I wasn't upset, I would have offered to walk her home, or get a taxi, but she didn't want to see me, she wanted to be away from me, because I got to close, or too personal. She keeps blaming me for her issues and insecurities.

I really care about her. I don't know why I care so much. She barely knows me, but she guesses my feelings and who I am, and I let her do it. If I try the same with her, she is offended.

We stopped our conversation on the phone, because I was making her feel bad about herself. Not by accusing her of anything, but by asking her why she does things, and how she feels, and telling her how I feel. On the other hand, she made me feel bad about myself by telling me how awful I was being. I don't think I've had anyone so directly give me a hard time about things. She is the least forgiving person I've met emotionally. She doesn't seem to want to empathise with me at all, has no interest in caring. It's pretty damn self centred. N is certainly like that, but at least she pretends to be nice most of the time.

When I told her I had tried to kill myself, I didn't get surprise, or sympathy, or any such reaction. I felt like she thought I was trying to get something from her, make her feel obligated by telling her. Well, I guess I was. I wanted her to respect me for being able to tell her at least, to be able to try to empathise. I wanted some kind of connection. It felt like she would rather not have heard, and resented me telling her. I wished I'd never told her later.

I guess I must be attracted to women who are slightly unstable. I don't know why. I don't know what she wants from me at all, she doesn't seem to much be interested in my opinions, or feelings for her. What does she see in me, or care about me? She seems to have almost no respect for me at all. I don't feel important or significant in the way that I feel to anyone else in my life.

What the hell am I to her at all? She doesn't seem to see me as a friend. Did she just want to have sex, wanted me to make her feel good about herself? Whatever it was, it didn't seem to be a two way situation.

I have been through enough this year, why do I have to be made to feel like an awful person by yet another girl? I feel selfish, nasty and inconsiderate. I know that is not me. I try my best to be helpful, to be generous, to be kind. I am not perfect. But I care about how I affect people. I do mean things sometimes, but I don't try to do them. I don't try to hurt people. Some people do though.

Again I am crying. She is not worth this. No one who makes me feel this bad about myself is. Not this year or any other.