Don't Let the Beg Buds Bite

I got to see the kids today again - I realised just how much I had missed them when I got big hugs and a lot of attention from little L. He was really happy to see me, and so was T. Awesomeness. I got to have dinner with them, chatted with B and K and then we gave them a bath and I read T a couple of stories. He kept on saying he loved me, and I felt so sad that I haven't seen him more. I wanted to be a stable guy in their life, and I guess that won't be able to happen the same way. But I felt grateful for B allowing me to see them, and letting me take on some responsibility without feeling threatened. It's hard to know if I am getting too involved or not.

When T was ready to sleep, he said 'please stay' to me, and then told me his teddy had said it. I told him I'd be back to see him soon. I felt really sad. I lost a lot more than just N when our relationship ended. We did our little thing, where I say 'sleep tight' and he finishes it with 'don't let the beg buds bite'. So cute :)

Later B commented that it was clear I had got really close to T and that he liked how I cared about him so much. I offered to baby sit and things if they needed it, and he seemed to be keen on the idea. I hope I can see more of them, they really make me happy.

On the other side of things, I got a visit from someone who seemed to be from Inland Revenue today looking for N. She wouldn't tell me who she was, and said it was personal and could only speak to N. I gave her N's address. I perhaps could have refused, but it seemed a bit pointless to be difficult since it wouldn't be that hard for them to find her new one from her national insurance number and salary records. I texted her and told her, and she asked lots of questions. I don't want her to get into trouble, but it's not really my problem. On talking to B later, he said N had told him she'd paid back the tax credits she owed back, and that as far as he knew he was paying back all the money he owed them by agreement. So, I guess she misled him somewhat there, though why, I don't know. Still, really not my problem.

I have been trying not to talk to her, since I publically embrassed her on facebook on Monday, and she was very upset. We had a big argument. I apologised the next day, but she said 'I don't think an apology will cut it this time.' I realised that the only way I could get out of this cycle was to stop talking to her at all.

Since then she has contacted me about 3 times, but I think she'll start backing off. I try to avoid responding if I can. I'll only talk to her about what I need to, and try to get to a place where the horrible anxiety and dread I feel about doing things wrong starts to fade. It wasn't just me - B says he gets it too, and that things got a lot better after they broke up. She has a serious personality disorder, and requires constant attention. Even if it's negative attention. I think she'll probably contact me some more, which is ok. I just need to be strong and stay as stoic and calm as I can about things from now on. I need to regain my own self esteem, and stop worrying about what's happening in her life.

I remembered the BPD book I got early in the year when I was trying to deal with the same sort of thing with C. A huge fear of abandonment, coupled with a fierce independence and stubornness. N is different, but she has a few of the same traits. In people in relationships with people with BPD, it is common for them to get physical symptoms related to anxiety - the 'walking on eggshells' idea culminates in actual physical discomfort. Both me and B have experienced very similar things with N. Like feelings of dread or feeling sick when you know you will have to deal with a difficult mood, or an appeal for attention. I got severe paranoia after we broke up, and since them my sleeping has been extremely bad, and I keep waking up in the night in fits of anxiety. I know this is to do with depression, but the anxiety is definately at least in part from being in a constant state of alert for the last 4 months or so.

After showing him the symptoms list for Histrionic Personaity Disorder, he agreed that she showed almost all the symptoms. The trouble about personality disorders is that they are part of a personality itself. They can't be 'cured' easily. Only over the long term. They usually come about in early adulthood, and tend to receed later in life though. So there is hope there :)