Dancing Drama Queen

Going out with N last night was clearly a big mistake. I was generally doing ok, and I was trying to stay detached emotionally, even when she was going on about her new boyfriend, despite me having made it clear before we went out that it was an off limits topic. She talked about him and other guys a lot. I mostly just tried to pretend it didn't bother me.

It was going well and we were having fun, until we started dancing together. I think I put my arm round her and stuff which she said was ok, but not to cross the line. I was making her laugh a lot and she seemed to be having a good time.

But when we started dancing she started grinding against me. Then she told me off for dancing too close to her, so I backed off a bit, and she started grinding into me again.

Apparently, her side of the story is that I did it to her. This is not the case, she did it to me, and she was enjoying it for awhile, until she realised what she was doing.

A few minutes later we sat down, and she told me I had crossed the line. I burst out laughing at this. I would normally have been upset or angry, but what she said was so unfair after the way she had just been acting that it was actually very humorous. And I wouldn't tell her why I was laughing. When I did, she walked out. No talking about it, or anything, she stormed out and left. After me buying the meal, drinks all night, entry to the club, and us mostly getting on fine, she found an excuse to blame me for something that made her uncomfortable, and I was again the bad guy in her latest drama.

We had stupid arguments this morning, and I refused to accept responsibility. I apologised for upsetting her by laughing, because I didn't intend to. But she overreacted. Like she often does.

I am sick of the anxiety, of feeling like I am walking on egg shells because the next thing I do or say will upset her. And she moans and complains all the time to me. I am sick of hearing how awful her life is, how bad everything is for her. I ask her to help me with things, start paying back the money she owes me, respect my wishes about what I don't want to talk about with her, or stop talking to me, and she's unable to do any of these things. She doesn't respect me, she has no integrity, and she is incredibly and unbelievably selfish most of the time.

After she left, she apparently met a man on the street, who offered her a lift. She accepted after speaking to him for 5 minutes. Then she went to the car park, but it had closed. So she spent 3 hours talking to him until it opened at 5am, and then got him to drop her off. She's crazy.

Enough about bitchface. I am sick to the back teeth of her and her shit. I have blocked her on MSN. We'll see how long it is before she decides she really wants to speak to me again. Hopefully a good while.

On the other side of things, I am making new friends with girls I've met on the net, and I have another date tommorrow with a lovely girl, who we'll call A. We get on well, and she seems sweet and nice. We're meeting for coffee, then possibly lunch tomorrow. I hope I'm ok, and don't act all stupid like I've been doing at dates before.

Even better news is that S is coming back from Greece in a couple of days, and she's coming over on Christmas Eve. It's too early to tell if we have a chance of being anything more than friends, but she is a wonderful friend. She's beautiful, intelligent, articulate and passionate. She's an awesome girl. I hope I have a chance with her. I am starting to feel her warming to me, and I have made a real connection with her, more than I have with anyone for a long time. I think she's very scared of getting involved though, although I'm pretty sure she is attracted to me still, and likes me. The only trouble is, if we did get involved then she'd be in Greece for a few months still. I'd miss her so much. I think I will anyway after I've seen her. I suppose I could always go out there though.

So, the other sides of my social life are picking up. I actually have two more girls I've planned to go on dates with, and have agreed. An intelligent ecologist, and a sexy social worker. I am really attracted to the social worker, but not so much on an intellectual level. She'd be fun to go out with though. The ecologist girl, I'm not sure I really fancy. But I get on with her well. I also have three more women on Guardian Soulmates interested in me, and a couple of girls I haven't written back to yet on match.com.

I think I tried too hard a week or two ago, and now I have more interest than I can handle. I am replying to so many emails, and trying to remember what I have asked everybody. It's hard work. So I asked A almost immediately if she wanted to go out. It saves all the getting to know each other, and then being disappointed after you meet. I'd rather meet her sooner and see if we are compatible or not. She is rather pretty, very pretty actually, and she is extremely intelligent, seems quite passionate, and has a soft sweet manner to her. She's a counsellor and alternative therapist. Great profession for a potential girlfriend lol. I suppose even if we aren't romantically interested, there's a chance that we could be friends.

So in other respects, life is good. Work went well this week, and I am finally starting to feel more productive and put some passion in. I realise that N has had me emotionally exhausted, I just have so little to give sometimes. If I stopped talking to her, perhaps the constant anxiety will fade. I hope so. B seems to think it helped him a lot. I am glad to start enjoying work again, it feels awful that I don't have the energy and passion for it I used to, and I'm glad some of my interest in computers is coming back again.