Miss Demeanor

I brought a lot of things up with R today in therapy - how I feel about men, and my issues around an encounter with Sandy years ago and how it affected me. I only need to bring up C next week and she'll have the full picture of just how screwed up I am. But she didn't seem judgemental, and she asked a lot about how I felt about telling her, which helped me realise it scared me a lot.

I lent some money to C earlier in the week. She was going to bring it back tonight, but she is in Derby after a show. I asked if she wanted to go out for a drink if I met her in Mansfield, and she suggested going out for dinner too, which sounded nice. So I said yes. But she's too tired now, and I worked her down to a takeaway, but then she warns me she has to go to Tesco too. I am then confused on why she asked me about dinner in the first place. I guess she just is tired, so I've asked if she'd like to do it another day instead. She's nutty as she always has been. She called to apologise and explained she was doing three shows a day for 6 days a week. Sounds like hard work, I'm not surprised she's tired.

I met up with B in the pub this afternoon. We did talk about other stuff apart from N for awhile. Then we complained about her for an hour and a half, and shared gossip. At least I don't feel alone in the way I think about her, and the huge amount of anxiety she caused me. B said something about dreading each day, and the new stresses it would bring, which is something I could really relate to. She told me she has got an appointment for therapy though. All I can say is thank god. She really needs this help, and I hope she will be open to examining herself, and her motivation for things. I think she has a histrionic personality, and she has a constant need for attention and approval. It won't be easy, but she can change and move on if she wants to.

...Several hours past without me publishing this. I rearranged with C for Sunday. And then I watched a couple of episodes of the wire, had a couple of glasses of wine, and started thinking about N again. I wish I didn't feel so lonely. It's weird - since I've been apart from her, whenever she's out and I'm not, it's like I'm missing a party I really wanted to be invited to, and everyone's having fun but me...
It's obvious I've still not completely let her go. I think I'll know I have when I start to know who I am again, start to enjoy the things I used to do, and feel capable. I hope that comes soon, I miss feeling like I am coping and doing well with my life. I think I deserve to be happy, I try my best, and I try to be a good person. I deserve to have some happiness.