Hope and Disappointment

I'm starting to feel a little sad about S, who it seems isn't much interested in anything more than friendship. She was flirting with me, but she's stopped now, I think she's got scared. I feel a little down about it, because I really thought it was going well, and we had a good connection. Still, she has just got back in England, and who knows what will happen tomorrow. I hope she doesn't cancel on me or anything. I think I would actually cry.

N texted me this evening - I've been over at B's babysitting the kids. I am unsure why she did, because when I texted back she didn't reply. Maybe just to see if I was ignoring her. I was going to, but I told the kids she had texted, and T said, 'are you going to write back?' After that, I felt guilty considering ignoring her.

When I put the kids to bed, T tried to get me to stay, and said I could sleep in B and K's room. I said they were coming back later, he then suggested I build a bed so I can stay here too, and not have to go home. I felt bad again for leaving. I feel like a shitty useless person in their lives sometimes. I can't give them what I wanted to any more. I tread on someone's toes, and they aren't my kids. I hate what N has put me and them through, I just can't believe how much I have had to deal with from so many women this year. None of them have a clue what they want. I don't know what it is I am missing that women keep giving up on me for. Why do I have to give so much to people, and then have them turn around and spit in my face?

On the other hand, my date with A went really well. We met for coffee, then decided to go for lunch, and had lunch at a nice French place near Matlock. Then we went for a long walk. I spent about 6 hours with her, chatting non-stop. She's really intelligent, very very pretty, and probably the nicest person I have met in a long time.

She was shy at first, but soon warmed up. We have a lot in common, and I think it could be a really good thing. We are meeting up next Saturday for lunch, perhaps in Derby this time. I hope it goes well, I need some hope. She isn't the sort of girl I would want to rush with. She is very nice, and seems nervous about getting involved. But she's so warm, and genuinely caring. I don't know if I really know anyone like her that actually likes me.

To be honest, if I had the choice, I would still go for S, if she would give me a chance, I would wait. It's not that A isn't awesome, it's just I don't know her that well yet. I feel like I could hurt her too, she seems quite a fragile person emotionally. Anyway, whatever happens, I am free and single at the moment, and so I can decide what I want to do myself. I do like committing to someone though. I've never been the player sort really. I am now confused because although I have lots of female interest now, it's on a very friendship kind of level. I don't feel like I've met anyone who either wants to jump into bed with me, or start a relationship with me, or both. Still, I guess there's lots of hope.

In more exciting news (I'm full of it today), I'm off to Maine on Sunday, so I'll be seeing old friends. I'm determined to have an swesome time, and I think they will make sure I do. It will be cool to spend new year somewhere different for a change too. My friends have been pretty disappointing of late. I would expect a very dull new year if I stayed here.

Also, I plan to spend a little time in New Jersey on the way back, and see my friend E who I've been talking to lately. She's been a lot of support with everything that happened with N, and I really want to see her and tell her how much I appreciate it. She seems excited to see me too, and is checking with her girlfriend on what they'll be up to.

So, a bit of an up and down week to be honest. I have hope and disappointment all over the place...