Blues run the game

I write some more. I am starting to feel very low, and I am getting worried about the future again. Although, I penned some more of the writing which I started in April last year. The story of everything that's happened to me.

aI feel massively pretentious sometimes when I write. Like what I have to say is meaningless. A pointless allegory, which no one besides me would want to read. A mystery with no story. If that is true though, perhaps the writing itself still provides a helpful form of therapy. A sort of open way of purging my sins.

I am beginning to realise that I still have unhealthy expectations of myself. Of my fitness levels, my eating habits, my work, my ambitions. I feel like I am working towards things, seeing life in a future context all of the time. I feel guilty and anxious, devoid of meaning in my life right now.

I wonder if I should tell R. But it just feels wrong to put my concerns on her. She struggles with confidence herself, and I don't want to worry her. So, I don't.

I long to have some social contact, to see some friends, have some fun. But I don't feel like I can reach out to anyone. I feel alienated again, detached. I wonder how I put myself in this situation again. I feel desperately lonely, but unable to find anyone I trust to be a close friend anymore. I push everyone away, or they drift away. I don't know which.

I feel like years could melt one into the other, with nothing but working, eating, sleeping and exercising being my life. I am a slave to pointless ambitions, to social convention, to what I feel I ought, I should, I must be doing. I don't know if this is what I want, or not. What I love, or loathe. I curse the world, the superficiality I hate, the people in this city.

I feel like I want to move, but wonder if I would be any happier anywhere else. It brings an old song to mind. Blues run the game.

I want R to be here, to find a job, and live with me down here. But I wonder if I just want to companionship. I think maybe that is more important than anything right now. That I have her companionship, that I feel wanted and trusted and loved. And I begin to realise that I love her in a different way than anyone before. But it scares me. There are things that might not work, and all I can do to her is promise that it will all be ok. But will it be ok? Am I kidding her and myself? Is this really right? All I can think of is how much I would miss her if she wasn't around. So I know I want her always to be around. I trust her. More than I have ever trusted a girl. I don't know how it has come around so quickly, but she is more honourable, caring, trustworthy and reliable than anyone else. I wish it felt like enough.

I seem to crave excitement, danger. I seem to want to make things dangerous, if my life is too quiet. I think of passionate affairs. Sex, rock and roll, political activism, starting a business, becoming someone special. I seem to crave this attention from somewhere. I don't know why I can't just be happy with what I have. But I'm impatient, restless, and looking for something to teach me, something to give me meaning. I hope I can find it.

Try Not to Bite

I haven't written for months. I've left out months of a relationship with a new girl, progress on OU courses, and my improved relationship with working life. It all comes down to a certain American girl contacting me again though. It made me think of writing. I sometimes get the feeling that I am being manipulated. It's like temptation, tempestuous, conflicting emotions and happy mixed with painful memories. When an ex starts telling you that you were the best sex she ever had, and that she'd love you to join a threesome with her and another girl, (if she was ever in England), I feel like perhaps I'm being played a little. If anyone can do it, wants to feel wanted, and has that hold over me, it's her. I guess I just try not to be too taken in by it.

I hear that huge sex drive is a big symptom of bi-polar disorder, as is the ability to lie compulsively, and so on. I think I should be more cautious than I have been in the past.

Once More Into the Breach Dear Friends

If it were possible not to treat work as a constant battle of will against my own desires and judgements, then I would have done it by now I'm sure.

My eyes are barely open, and I am still waiting on my computer to restart so I can finish off the server repair I was working on today. I feel exhausted, and on a different planet. If I were a sim, I'd be screaming at the screen for the deity who was controlling me to let me have some fun social time. And lots of sex. If only. I feel like a wreck. I need a night out, and some serious selfish relaxation time so I'll stop feeling so miserable. And I need to finish the things I'm working on, get out of the endless loop of procrastination, and stop things weighing on my mind.

Time to pass out. Maybe things won't seem so difficult tomorrow. God I hope so.

A Week of Disappointment

I'm feeling a little too emotional tonight. I almost cried for the first time in a long while. A girl I'd been getting to know online and arranged a date with on Saturday told me she had started seeing someone else and it made me really sad. She was sweet about things, and we are going to be friends and see how it goes with this guy, but I felt really disappointed. I haven't even met her yet, I just had good feelings.

I felt happy two of my friends have had babies today, and that was quite exciting. But then it made me broody, and coupled with the rejection today, getting turned down for a date earlier in the week, and having my party attended by only 3 or 4 people who weren't family, on top of S not talking to me, I'm feeling pretty low. Then add on top of that, work stress, and a £1200 mobile bill I ran up accidentally last month. Talking to the managers about that wasn't fun.

To be honest I'm doing ok at not letting it get to me. I had therapy today and I didn't even think to talk about all the disappointments I've had in the last week. We brought up interesting stuff about my communication, and the way I talk. I felt like I got to the bottom of a new part of myself, and I know that's something I don't feel very often.

On the other hand, my music does seem to be going well, and I am writing songs and riffs a lot, although not usually finishing them. A song I wrote earlier last week I really like, and it needs some work, but I think I can get a recording finished fairly soon. Today I was playing around with hammond sounds, and I wrote another song. It was fun :)

I feel like I am in a bit of a rut, and I think I've been neglecting my social life the last few weeks, so I'm going to try to be a bit more sociable and do some things this weekend. Life is for living, and I need to start enjoying myself a bit more instead of moping around the house. I hope I manage to give myself the boost I need. I need some sort of boost to self esteem, so hopefully something will give me that kick I need in the next few days.

A Year On

Well, the anniversary of my 'near death' experience came and passed without a hitch. I threw a party, which sadly only about 3 people came to, despite me inviting about 50. I felt upset at the time, but I understand why people didn't want to come. I had a good time anyway though, and it was nice to see old friends (who seem to be the only people who don't know what the party was signifying).

S disappeared again. She says she's going through the legal stuff with Rob and doesn't want to have anyone influencing her right now, whilst she's going through the divorce. She told me not to take it personally, but really, how can I not? I initially got upset, but realised it really wouldn't help, so I am giving her some space. I've sent her a couple of emails telling her what's happening, and asking how she is, but she's not replied.

I'd been chatting to a girl for awhile, A, who I was getting on really well with. She decided to drive up from Hereford yesterday to come see me. So I was excited and spent the next hour and a half (this was how much notice she gave me) cleaning so that I wouldn't look like a total slob. Anyway, we were chatting and getting on well, had a bit of a debate about dance music. She says she's going for a cigarette, and goes downstairs. Next thing I know, she has got in her car and left. She swears it was nothing I said or did, and it was how she was feeling about her ex. But really - how to I attract these sort of women? She even lied initially and said her Dad had texted her and it was urgent. I don't bite - she could have just said she wasn't interested, but been friendly about it. I felt quite incensed because of how rude she was about it. I felt hurt all afternoon, and had to take a nap to sleep things off. This morning things feel better, although it did seem to really damage my self-esteem. I hope she is ok, she doesn't seem to want to respond to me, and I guess I didn't want to be pushy while I was upset in case I made it worse.

I think I'm going to go back to sleep now. I am still having trouble waking up in the early hours full of anxious thoughts, and unable to get back to sleep. For some reason eating something seems to help. I'm worried about it, but I don't really want to get sleeping tablets from the doctor, and I have the time to sleep in a few days a week, so I get along OK that way I guess.

I am feeling pretty rubbish about myself right now, I think I need to go easy on myself for awhile until I get some confidence back.

Vassals In A Castle

An interesting few days. Me and B finally broke it off on Saturday, and I feel less stressed about the situation now. We never really hit it off that well as a relationship, we're two very different people. I feel bad at the time, but it was mutual, and I was ok the next day. I miss having someone to talk about things with, but she never really let me in very much. It wasn't going anywhere good.

Then I met up with A again on Sunday, went out for lunch which was nice. I am pretty sure we'll just be friends, there has never been any chemistry there really. I've been talking to S a lot. I want to hope for something to take off between us again. But there's so many risks, and I'm not really ready to take a big chance. I would offer to pay for her plane ticket over. But she has to come here, and take that risk. There's no way I can let myself do it another way.

I had a relaxing day at work today with no real hassle, and I finished early to go to an appointment with C. I haven't seen him for a long while. I got the feeling he wasn't interested, but he was really nice today when I got there. He made quite a few suggestions on how to help me sleep. Which I hope will work..

Miss Fiance

In a weird twist of things, who was to show up on my birthday but miss ex fiance, S. We've been chatting a little. I still don't know what is off topic and what's not. And she's very cagey. I wonder how long she'll keep talking to me. I wonder a lot of things.

B put on Savage Garden in the car the other day. It's weird that. Then she reappears. Life is strange.

Very strange.

Assert Yourself

I am torn between thinking I'm being unfair, and thinking I have a point with B's behaviour. On Thursday she must have been one of the few girls who would say no to sex on a guy's birthday, and the next morning.

She's gone to a burlesque night in Sheffield, to stay with a couple she has been sleeping with regularly. To say I am a little worried about this is an understatement, but as much as she reassures me, I think she could lie pretty easily and get away with it here. I don't know how to get over these paranoid feelings. To be honest, I feel like if I ask her straight out she'll probably tell me, and even if she lies I'll be able to tell whether she did sleep with them.

But then, do I really want to know, so I can be depressed again about another girl hurting me, and ignoring my feelings. On Monday or Tuesday I got quite upset with her and told her how I was feeling, and she tried to get me to chill out and things. I think I am ok most of the time, but then I'll work myself up into some panic attack about some little things that happen and get really scared again. But that's just me. I need to be less insecure, and stop letting people feed off my generosity or helpfulness. It's not a good trait. Not having seen R for a couple of weeks hasn't helped. I need a big confidence boost somehow and I'm currently wondering how to get that.

I've finally been firm with myself tonight and decided that letting her damage my self-esteem isn't doing me any good, and the best thing to do is tell her how it is, and if she can't deal with it, to stop seeing her. If she isn't ready to let me in, then we'll just have to depart. Lots of things have been bugging me about her, so I need to assert myself for a change. I'll feel better about myself either way.

Hit Like a Meteor

The last few days have been awful. It started with B going away for the weekend. I went out with N on Friday which went fine. Then Saturday my friend got my arty date wrong by a month, and showed up with a birthday cake - which was really sweet but funny. Anyhow, things would have been ok except B was so hot and cold about replying to texts. She seems so disinterested it's untrue. I thin she's just thinking about her trip to Sheffield next weekend. So, we ended up having sex, and she wanted me to take her home pretty much straight after. I've been taking her back and forth the last two weeks, and it's an hour round trip, which I'm getting pretty sick of.

I am giving her another week to see what she wants, because I am feeling less and less appreciated each day. Its my birthday on Thursday. We'll see what happens then - I guess that's a god indicator of how much she cares. If she can't make a fuss of me on that day, then she's probably never going to.

And then, she gets to talk to her strange lovers at the weekend. I think I'll just leave her to it, and ask her straight out if she slept with them or not. She doesn't seem to lie much. I expect she will sleep with them. And if she does, then I know it's time to call things off. I am already getting annoyed and upset about how she's treating me, and have been giving her so much leeway. Well, she has one more week, until next Friday (I guess that's a week and a half really.) We'll see what happens.

I feel so depressed today, I haven't felt like this in weeks. I know that I have been ignoring my feelings again, and this is not a good sign.

Discombulated Was So Last Week

It's been awhile since I've written. I think because a lot of my emotions are coming out in songs recently, and I feel really good about that. It's been really productive with writing some good material recently. The recording isn't going so well, I think because I'm very inexperienced in doing that by myself at the moment. But I got a midi controller keyboard, so I can finally add some other instruments and drum tracks more easily.

I am really excited about the music, and thinking about getting singing lessons to help with my vocal technique and try to develop that a bit. It's something I'd like to feel more confident about. The guitar playing is gradually improving though I think, and the new guitar is so awesome. I still look at it like Kate Bekinsale is standing naked in front of me. It's a thing of beauty and I respect it too much to put it down for very long.

Things in love are interesting. Things with B went down a little last week, I got a bit upset and she got distant, but it was that time of the month, and this weekend has been nice. She seems to have backed off a little, and I'm not really sure why. I am sort of under the impression that she's testing me. But, she gave me a surprise by letting me meet her parents yesterday. They seems really nice. I like her mum, she's quite modest and caring I think. It seems they like me too :)

I am going to spring meeting my parents on her...perhaps I'll go round and see them for the first time since Christmas...

A girl I've been chatting to and really liked was pretty harsh to me today when I told her I liked men. Then the rest of the day she was in between apologising and chastising me. She seems a bit unstable. I was sort of romantically interested, and although me and Bex are getting on well, we aren't exclusive yet, and so I was open to the idea of meeting someone. she also has a lot in common with me. Sadly it seems one of those things is flair for drama, and emotional disregulation.

I really need someone a little more down to earth and stable right now. I think that's why I feel B is so good for me. So yeah, this girl K is exciting and fun, but she's so interested in me so quickly, and very fickle with her affections, even across the length of a day. I'll see what she's like tomorrow.

Better Days

Things are still going great with B. We had a wonderful weekend, and I just chilled out with her most of the time. I feel comfortable just relaxing with her, and having her around, and I feel like she really mellows me out. She helps me with my tendency to stress out about things, she's like the best stress reliever I've ever had. Calm, relaxed and chilled. I like her so much. The other day I told her I loved her. She didn't really take me seriously, but she wasn't upset or annoyed. But I meant it when I said it. Later I thought about it and I guess I'm not really sure how I feel. But I deeply care about her already, and I feel so close to her, and comfortable with her. She feels more perfect for me than any other girl I've been with...like someone I love to spend time with, and can't ever see myself not getting on with her most of the time.

Anyhow, I've been starting a couple of OU courses, and I feel fairly confident I can do them. I struggled with some of the maths to start off with, but I'm picking it up ok now, and remembering my GCSE work and what I did way back then. I feel glad I am improving my skills quickly already. The other course is in database theory and practice. It's a tough level 3 course, but hopefully my background will help with that.

I have been getting some material down, and feeling good about my music. The new guitar just feels more and more fantastic, and it records so well. I feel confident about getting a few tracks down for a demo, and have lots of ideas for songs to put in a set. I feel better than I've felt for a long time about it.

I miss B, I wish I could snuggle with her now.. :)

These are better days...

All Good Things

I am having trouble sleeping, because my ear has got blocked and it's now bothering me a lot. The ear drops just made it worse sadly.

I spoke to B about my concerns and she seemed ok with how I felt, and what was happening. She said she was being especially cautious because of how she thinks I am the heart on the sleeve type and she wants to be sure she knows what she wants, so she doesn't hurt me, or get hurt. I made some guesses as to what was happening, and she seemed really open and honest about things.

It's weird, it feels like I've known her a long time, but it's not even been two weeks. It feels slightly crazy that things are going so fast, but have been genuinely getting on really well. So I have tried to pull my heart back a bit, and start being more friendly, and less lovey dovey. That seems to have helped. She wants to spend all weekend here, and I was really excited about that.

I saw A for the first time in over a month last night. It was nice to see him and catch up. We don't see enough of each other lately. He does seem very busy with his girfriend in London, and the long commute to his job every day.

I am getting on well with N, and I don't feel resentful or hurt about her new relationship. I want her to be happy, and I feel upset that she's depressed and hypersensitive about being abandoned again. If I was psychoanalysing I'd say she has the same issue about men as I have about women. I hope he has lots of patience and can be there for her while she sorts herself out. She dwells and enjoys the drama quite a bit, so I guess he has to be able to take those ups and downs and let things settle, as does she.

Thankfully, she does seem to be starting to get over B now. I guess that's something. I want to go swimming with her later in the week - hopefully she'll be ok with that but I haven't spoken to her for a couple of days. I think encouraging her to exercise will help boost her self confidence, and it'll give me a reason to travel to a decent swimming pool, since the one in the gym is tiny.

New Girl

It's been awhile since I wrote. So, since I last put anything in here, I've met a nice girl whom I really like, B...we've been on a few dates, and she's stayed over three nights I think in the last week or so.

It's going pretty fast - 'too fast' she said. So I have to try to slow myself down. And I do the usual thing I do when I am stepping into a new relationship - make myself too emotionally and physically available. I need to learn how to play hard to get, because otherwise I really feel I won't keep her. Uncertainty drives passion, and she doesn't know me well enough to know either way yet whether she really wants to be with me.

Anyhow, I just realised that after I said she could chat to me any time, and she said 'I know.' I think I need to learn to be chased a bit more. And be surprising. I need to be coy. I hope I still have enough time to reverse things a bit, and feel in control again.

I do start to feel the fear of abandonment. But I know relationships are full of games. I wish I knew why they always have to be played. Maybe I just need to know how to play the games better.

Love and Hope

I've learnt a lot about myself in the past few days. I spent £200 on a woman I barely knew, she stole £10 from me yesterday morning, and wouldn't leave me alone. I practically had to kick her out my house as she latched onto me immediately. It was not a good situation, and she was not a nice person, and I realised that there are limits to what I will put up with from people. I felt justified, and felt like I had been the best person I could have been in the situation.

I made a lot of effort to see that she was safe, I called the women's aid and put her in contact with them, had her door repaired and gave her as much advice as I could. She didn't respect my feelings, or listen to my requests, and asked for more and more.

I am forgetting about her as quickly as I can. In the future I shall be trusting strangers a lot less, and being less open with my feelings until I recognise I can really trust them.

Today I cried when President Obama was inaugurated. I felt so happy, about Bush going, and about the things he said in his speech. I felt genuine hope, and faith that someone who is intelligent and principled has been put in that position. I believe he'll bring real change if he wants to, because he seems to genuinely have the integrity and will it takes. I hope he follows through with his promises.

Later I told N I loved her again. I told her I want her to be happy with G though, who she has just entered into a real relationship with. I do want her to be happy. I am cut up and torn apart by it though. I guess I feel better about things than I have for a long time. But I feel like I am less of a man than him. I feel inferior.

I guess I just have to keep trying to move on, keep searching for the meaning, and someone to trust with my heart. Someone who's really the one I can be with.

In the meantime, I plan to have sexual relations with whoever passes my way. I think I have earned the privilege of some guilt free sex for awhile. I don't want to hurt anyone, just have some fun.

I keep thinking about the tattoo I am planning to get. I need a design to take to a tattoo artist. I really want to go ahead with it. I feel like it will be a mark of who I am, and what I have been through and survived.

Women's Refuge

I feel tonight I have been way too nice to an almost complete stranger, who's now sleeping in my bed. I feel slightly like a women's refuge shelter. It's a weird situation I put myself into. I am glad she feels safe, but I have learnt a lot about myself in the process. I shouldn't have let her come on to me, I shouldn't have kissed her, I shouldn't have started to have sex with her. I am sure most of what I did tonight was wrong, and I feel a little manipulated. But now I am on the sofa, and I have asserted myself, and that's good enough. I hope I have a new friend at least, but I'm not holding my breath with how she'll act tomorrow.

Stranger

I feel a bit like a stranger today, like I am looking at myself in a different light.

I was speaking to S about things yesterday, and about she felt about me and vice versa, and how she is since going back to Greece, and I couldn't work out why she was upset with me. Like I completely couldn't recall it.

And she left, and I sent her an email asking what is was about. And then she replied today and told me all the hurtful things I had said about her on here and online. Then I read back on what I put, and I couldn't believe how venomous I'd been, and where all the anger and negativity had come from. It was scary to think I could have forgotten feeling that way, or had that sort of crazy love/hate splitting about her.

It was two weeks ago, and I have been abroad and seen lots of different people since then, but I don't quite understand why I was that upset with her. It's scary, and I am worried for my sanity.

I felt pretty productive at work today, then my parents came round for dinner, and it was nice to see them and chat to them. I think I may stop drinking for awhile. I seem to get quite angry and emotional sometimes when I've had a few drinks (not a huge amount, maybe half a bottle of wine). That seems to be when I get so strange and react so dramatically to rejection. I need to chill out and take things one step at a time. I don't know how to start becoming a more mellow, less irritable person though. I seem to have a big bitterness issue, like I have been wronged, and I can't get past it. I hope I start to feel better about things soon.

On the brightside, I feel my relationships with women are starting to improve. Hanging around all those girls for the last couple of weeks does seem to have helped me in some way. I actually had an emotive conversation with N today without it ending in an argument. Which is new.

Oops...

I forgot my key target:

Have more fun!

Targets for This Year

Get myself a life affirming tattoo in recognition of being alive.
Write an album worth of songs and record them.
Start gigging again.
Keep fit and start being happy with doing enough, and not having to be an amazing athlete.
Stay active and keep enjoying that.
Get some inspiration back in my work.
Plan my next holiday.
Plan a fantastic life-affirming party.
Make some new friends.
Find a relationship with someone I can trust.
Look into my new interests further and see where they might lead me.
Stop worrying about my 'manliness'.
Stop worrying about who I am and accept people for who they are.
Stop thinking about everything in fatalistic ways and learn to relax.
Chill out on my emotional intensity.
Achieve some more professional/academic qualifications.


So, a couple of goals there...

Dum vita est, spes est

In an ode to existential crisis, of which I seem to have been in for three months:



Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams.
For if dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Covered with snow.

Langston Hughes

Home is where the heart is. I suppose.

I am back in the UK after some very enjoyable time in New Jersey. E was a wonderful friend, and just how I remember her - kind, caring and funny. I had a lot of fun with her and her girlfriend M, who is pretty dry and sarcastic. She's kind too though. I think I have made a few new friends and I feel really glad I went to see them. I enjoyed seeing NYC again, and I really liked where they lived in Jersey City. I didn't want to leave, I was beginning to feel very at home, and happy with the people I was with.

So, on Thursday night I went out for pizza with the girls, and we were meant to go for a drink after, but E wasn't feeling well (it turned out she has the flu). I decided (maybe two beers talking) that I was fine going to this bar by myself, which was pretty much a gay bar. Yes, for the first time, by myself. What was I thinking?

After a vacuous, self-absorbed stereotype named Ronan tried to chat me up, bought me drinks and went on about designer clothes for an hour (I really thought they were actually filming Ugly Betty), my night wasn't going too great. It took the bartender, a girl in the bar, me giving him my email address, and disappearing to the toilet to get him to leave me alone. Seriously. No wonder straight guys are scared of gay men. Jesus.

Anyway, I made friends with this hot black girl called Hazel who was there with her boyfriend. She was bi, but sadly her boyfriend wasn't. He was hot. Anyhow, the bartender bought me a couple of Jameson's after that to 'make up' for my bad experience, and then I was being fed beer for the rest of the night. I was really drunk by this point, got talking to a Chinese guy called A. I basically asked him to come back to my hotel with me. Oh man.

Anyway, I kind of wish I hadn't hit on someone when I was drunk. He wasn't very attractive at all. Agghhh. But once we got back, I was pretty forward, to say the least. I've never been that forward with a girl before. My god. Anyway, I was pretty much dirty as hell, and then basically wanted him to leave afterwards. He was totally selfish, and didn't really give me a lot in return...

So...I had my first sexual experience with a man. The kissing freaked me out a bit. Feeling someone's stubble against me felt odd and not very affectionate. Is it really a good idea to write it on my blog? Oh man. Still...it put me off a bit. So much so that I didn't flirt with this guy J who came round the next day and was one of E's friends. He was actually good looking and fun. Still, not to be too hard on A. It was totally my own doing. The next day I felt hyper hetrosexual and really wanted to be with a girl. So yeah, wrong time for J. I kind of wish I'd met him the previous night.

The good thing is, I feel a lot less scared of the idea now. I am ok with being attracted to men in a sexual way, and I don't feel the need to develop it any more. Maybe I'll start feeling less uncomfortable about male friendships again now. I pretty much realised I am having a big issue with my masculinity. I think some of that might be to do with being uncomfortable with myself and who I am emotionally and sexually. I need to learn to deal with it, and stop giving a fuck if people think I am acting 'gay' or whatever. This new attitude seems to have helped me markedly, and I do feel more in control for some reason.


Oh god, I do still love N. I am feeling a little disheartened though because today she asked how I felt about teaching her the guitar. I replied and said ok, asked a few questions, etc, which she didn't reply to. This was about 12.30-1pm. Then I sent her another text at 9.30 or so asking her why she never replies to texts, and saying I'd teach her if she set up a standing order to pay back the money she owes me.

She immediately replied and asked me to call her. I called her 10 mins later after I had put the shopping away, and she said she hadn't written back because she'd been driving for 7 hours back from Scotland. She said she had left at 3 though, so she had time.

Still, I give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she usually never replies to my texts (I think mainly because she doesn't like spending money texting me unless it's for something she wants). So, pretty soon she says she has to go, and I say I will speak to her online, and unblock her after I have eaten. She doesn't log in though, and a text from me later receives no response.

So there we go, once she has what she wants, away she is gone again. Or perhaps asleep, if I give her more benefit of the doubt. I wonder why I bother. I probably should just tell her I don't want to see her, because I feel like if I hadn't sent her the flowers and chocolates and things on her birthday and told her I loved her, she wouldn't feel like she could ask something of me. I do care about her, and I like spending time with her, but I feel like she tries to get things out of me, and it's about what she wants rather than actually just spending time with me. I wish she'd try to understand my feelings a bit more, and understand things from my point of view.

Anyway, as it turns out G, the guy she was into, she's suddenly not into anymore. He told her he didn't want to see her anymore, because apparently he wasn't ok with sharing her with other guys after all. Surprise, surprise. I think if she honestly wants to find a guy who is ok with that, then it will have to be just sex, or a guy who is genuinely not very nice.

What sort of nice guy is really ok with that? He was saying it because it was what she needed, and he hoped she'd choose to be with him if he gave her time. A couple of months seems long enough to be honest! I think he did well to put up with it for as long as he did.

However, she's already found a couple of guys to replace him - L and a guy from Northampton. L seems like another nice bloke. I wish she'd either just pick one guy to go out with, or start dating nasty blokes. It's so unfair to hurt the guys who really don't deserve it. She's not being fair at all. Just pick someone N, and give them a chance instead of treating them like rental videos that you can take out all at once, and take back one at a time once the cost gets too high. Some of them she probably takes back without even watching them. She doesn't seem to have any idea what she wants.

But still, I love her. And still I wish she'd pick me. I have so much to offer. I guess she's never really seen that though.

I have had a flood of interest from match.com recently, actually lots of really attractive girls have been winking at me and sending me messages, and I think I ought to be able to move on. But the one girl I was really into, A, just told me today she's got back together with her ex-boyfriend. Great.

At least she was nice enough to be really honest with me about it. Which is good. And I was nice back, and polite. Although to be honest, I was a bit upset. Still, there are other fish in the sea (or so I am told). She was probably too nice for me anyway. It does feel like once I start to get close to girls and open up though, they run a mile. I hadn't got so far as telling her much about myself though. I just felt like I could trust her, or learn to trust her, which is a hard thing for me to get to with most women.

Diminished By Internal Weakness

Well, I've been in Boston for a couple of enjoyable days, and am currently waiting for a flight to Newark, New Jersey where my friend E is going to meet me at the airport. It's an hour late or so, but I think I just saw the plane taxiing in.

I've come to realise the last few days that I still very much love N, and I keep trying to replace her, but it's not working and no one will be her. I wish to god (whom I don't believe in) that things had been different. Her blog says 'I am not into him' in one of her recent entries. It reminds me of something N's friend (the other N) said a few days ago. We 'don't like men who are diminished by internal or external weakness'. She meant she wanted marines, but in this case, I am definitely 'diminished by internal weakness'. It's a big killer for attraction I think. She might be a complete bitch, but she's right none the less.

I could give her what she needs and wants if she let me. Still, I am 3000 miles away. I'll see what happens in a few months. Maybe I'll stop loving her. God, I hope so. There goes my call for the flight. Time to head off somewhere new and exciting. What will the next few days hold? Things never cease to be interesting...

Tough Day

Last night caused some problems - new year's eve is generally a bad night for me every year. This year was no exception. There was huge amounts of tension all day because N was really worked up about the girl she was into. I was being as supportive as I could be, even though I felt massively arkward about it. I felt like she was ashamed of her past with me, so I wasn't allowed to mention how I knew her. When L asked me, I just gave vague answer about meeting on the internet. J seemed to think N was being a bit silly about the whole thing. Why she can't just like 'her for her' is a mystery to everyone. Everything felt forced like a huge worked up job, rather than a fun night.

I am feeling a little left out of the whole gay thing - N has this weird attitude about it, like nearly all girls are gay, and she can get whatever she wants. I don't mind either way, it just feels like I'm being given a hard time for being her ex. Whatever, I don't feel ashamed of my past. If she does, it's her issue.

That aside we all were having a great time after leaving L's and going to see some bands at a club. We all had a lot to drink and I was perhaps a little over zealous in supplying alcohol to everyone. It was all good fun and I am glad I got out of L's house. No one seemed to have the faintest clue that it was obviously weird for me, having N court a girl in front of me. I was happy to swallow my pride and try to be a friend, but obviously being in the situation was weirder than I imagined it to be.

Later I thought S was hitting at me at the club, she was posing in very sexy ways for the photos I took, dancing and flirting, touching me in affectionate ways, and making sure I saw her coming onto guys and things. I was ok with this, but I basically ignored her affections because I knew she was drunk and wasn't really interested in me. Later she denied that she was coming on to me at all. Ok, that could be true, and I was happy to assume that she wasn't, and I was mistaken. However, when the facebook pics went up, she was suddenly really upset about it. I don't know why. She has some story about B and N being able to see them. I think the real issue is that she looks pretty damn flirty in the pics. Earlier that evening, she had basically said that she was perfectly happy to have flirty pics of her and me go up on facebook and have N and B see them. Obviously not today.

I flirted a lot with most of the girls at some point. For some reason I am being given a hard time about this today, when yesterday it was perfectly fine. I think S being upset about things has changed a lot.

What all went wrong is when I started crying last night. I didn't want to have S talk to me about it, I just wanted to be left alone, but she kept pushing and pushing me. I was crying in the bathroom - I had locked the door because I was using the toilet. As I was about to come out, I got upset and started crying. Mainly because of all the confusing feelings I had been dealing with the whole day, and the difficulty I was having with them.

Not only did I have issues because I thought S was hitting on me in the club, but I had a couple hit on me. Yes, a girl started flirting with me, and I thought she was hot, then suddenly this guy shows up, and asks me if I thought she was attractive, and I say 'yes'. Then he starts telling me they both want to go home with me. I let him buy me a drink and then ran away sharpish when I realised there was no way I could deal with the situation. I felt pretty weird by that point, and entirely confused about the sexual signals from everyone. I apparently hit on all the girls that night, although I saw it as flirting, and certainly said nothing particularly to that regard.

After I got upset last night, S had an argument with me and started giving me a hard time about getting upset. I felt like I was being attacked for making her feel guilty, and that hurt more. I kept telling her to leave me alone over and over, and that I would be fine, and she kept pushing. I told her she was making it about her - she was - she took personal offence at me being upset. There was so much drama though - endless drama about J too, who had gone back into the club as we were leaving to find a guy she'd been eyeing up. As it turned out, she had lost her phone, so no one could get hold of her.

I think S being worried about me crying on top of that situation made things a lot worse for her. But I kept telling her over and over that I wasn't blaming her for anything, and it had just been an emotional night for me. It didn't seem to get through though, and we argued to the point where I said I would leave tomorrow. She said she wanted me out the house. God knows how it got to that from me being upset - I accused her of absolutely nothing and was accepting responsibility for the way I was feeling and my actions.

At some point I called N and apparently professed my love to her. It was certainly in a platonic way because I remember calling her because I was worried about her, and she didn't listen to the whole message before deleting it. But since I can't actually remember what I said, it's hard to know to be honest. What annoyed me though was that when she showed up this morning, she announced to the whole house what I had said, rather than discussing it with me one to one. That goes on top of the quip she made about 'scars on the inside' the other day, and then later this evening that I needed to 'man up'. I am really sick of taking that shit from women. I felt like saying 'how dare you' since she has been incredibly self-absorbed and insensitive to everyone around her since I got here on Sunday (not just me - she's upsetting most of her friends).

I am quickly realising that this is going to descend into a great deal of drama. There are lots of things going on here which are too complicated to deal with - and clearly me being around is not helping the already large issues that the girls seem to be having. I am sick of being in the middle of things - I feel quite victimised and I don't want to justify that to myself, or play that role. I just want to be able to do a positive action to try to get out of here. Before things get worse. I don't want to be a scapegoat for the complex feelings that everyone seems to have, and at the moment it seems I have set myself up to be in that position.

I am happy to accept that I have caused issues, and I have apologised to S for what happened last night. She said that 'there are no hard feelings'. Obviously that's not true at all, as she went over to her parents tonight. This morning she was fine with me, and this evening everything seemed different. Women. Nutcase women everywhere.