Testosterone

I am writing this from Maine, where I arrived yesterday - I'm staying for 9 days here, and then heading down to Jersey City to see Em. S and N have been very welcoming, and I feel really at home with them and their housemates. I am so past tired, and getting the strange jet lagged feeling where I should be sleeping, but I'm not really able to.

I am feeling slightly full of testosterone - for the past couple of days I've been surrounded by girls, some of whom are very attractive, and I've been sleeping next to S and trying to avoid hitting on her. Their housemate H is cute too and seems to like me... Oh man, this is going to be torture to control my hormones!

I met my female nemesis in the way of Sheri yesterday. She is so gorgeous, and completely knows it. It was hard to resist her charms but I have been warned off her because N had a thing with her earlier in the year, and it would really hurt her. I wouldn't do anything, but I enjoy flirting a bit. She loves having the boys after her, although I don't think I'm really her type anyway.

So many girls, so little time. Still, I have come for a good time, and I don't want to upset anybody. I will try to be less impulsive and think things through for a change...

It's really weird seeing people after all this time. It feels like home though still, just like it always did.

Worthless

I just had another very confusing conversation with S. I was interested in understanding her feelings about me, and why she has been doing what she's been doing. Trying to get her to tell me felt quite hard and painful.

When I got too emotive she got defensive and accusational, and at the end I felt like I was being attacked. I was being honest and genuinely talking about my feelings, and she just didn't seem comfortable with that.

When she did talk about how she felt, it felt like the the were layers and layers of pain, and regret and guilt and resentment. And huge walls. And I felt there was a lot of resentment towards me that she hasn't even expressed yet.

On Christmas eve when I started to get close emotionally she started insulting me in various ways, most indirectly, or by making comments about various things in my house or the way I acted. I can't think of a single compliment, but lots of derogatory comments. I don't get it. It's like she's not comfortable giving compliments. I can't think of a single compliment that she has given me, that I can remember. If I give them to her, she says things like 'I know', or whatever.

Today she got upset with me because I let her walk home alone the other night without checking she was ok. I didn't do anything. She choose to leave after I had told her a lot of personal stuff, about what has happened to me this year. So I was pretty hurt when she left. And she told me very little about herself. When she did it was peppered with angry accusations about me wanting to much, or asking too much.

I felt like I had sort of bared my soul to her and she didn't really care how difficult it had been to me, and was more interested in how difficult it was for her to hear, or how it made her feel guilty. I was looking for someone to tell this to, and she resents me for that it feels like.

So yeah, when she left I wasn't thinking about her, I was thinking about her leaving, and what it was that I had done that made her leave, then I was upset at her for leaving me when I didn't know what I had done.

And a few minutes later I was crying, and I cried for an hour. So I didn't ask if she'd be ok getting home, or call her a taxi or check on her. Because she had hurt my feelings a lot. It seems I am supposed to be some idea of what her ideal man was, and I didn't live up to that ideal. I wasn't her hero or knight in shining armour. It makes me think of a few song lyrics on a song I once performed on. Who the hell could be? These perfect people don't exist.

She wanted to sleep with me and be friends, and even talk about personal stuff and hear about it, but without revealing anything about herself.

On the way home, some guys came up to her and gave her a hard time, trying to come onto her in a horrible, sexual way. I felt like she was blaming me for that happening to her - that she expected me to protect her from that. If I wasn't upset, I would have offered to walk her home, or get a taxi, but she didn't want to see me, she wanted to be away from me, because I got to close, or too personal. She keeps blaming me for her issues and insecurities.

I really care about her. I don't know why I care so much. She barely knows me, but she guesses my feelings and who I am, and I let her do it. If I try the same with her, she is offended.

We stopped our conversation on the phone, because I was making her feel bad about herself. Not by accusing her of anything, but by asking her why she does things, and how she feels, and telling her how I feel. On the other hand, she made me feel bad about myself by telling me how awful I was being. I don't think I've had anyone so directly give me a hard time about things. She is the least forgiving person I've met emotionally. She doesn't seem to want to empathise with me at all, has no interest in caring. It's pretty damn self centred. N is certainly like that, but at least she pretends to be nice most of the time.

When I told her I had tried to kill myself, I didn't get surprise, or sympathy, or any such reaction. I felt like she thought I was trying to get something from her, make her feel obligated by telling her. Well, I guess I was. I wanted her to respect me for being able to tell her at least, to be able to try to empathise. I wanted some kind of connection. It felt like she would rather not have heard, and resented me telling her. I wished I'd never told her later.

I guess I must be attracted to women who are slightly unstable. I don't know why. I don't know what she wants from me at all, she doesn't seem to much be interested in my opinions, or feelings for her. What does she see in me, or care about me? She seems to have almost no respect for me at all. I don't feel important or significant in the way that I feel to anyone else in my life.

What the hell am I to her at all? She doesn't seem to see me as a friend. Did she just want to have sex, wanted me to make her feel good about herself? Whatever it was, it didn't seem to be a two way situation.

I have been through enough this year, why do I have to be made to feel like an awful person by yet another girl? I feel selfish, nasty and inconsiderate. I know that is not me. I try my best to be helpful, to be generous, to be kind. I am not perfect. But I care about how I affect people. I do mean things sometimes, but I don't try to do them. I don't try to hurt people. Some people do though.

Again I am crying. She is not worth this. No one who makes me feel this bad about myself is. Not this year or any other.

Give a Fuck

I am crying my way into Christmas day. I guess I can't be happy every year.

I am sick of being rejected for no reason. I am broken again. I fix myself and then I let someone break me. I am such a fucking loser.

I suppose in the end I am a charity case. Love and happiness, or take what you can, and get out as quick as you can? There's that Christmas spirit.

About Face Turn

Ok, talk about an about face turn. I was texting S last night until about 2am. She called me to discuss things, then I completely missed the hints that she wanted to come over. Eventually she said something like 'Well, I wasn't coming that close to your house anyway :p'.

A few minutes later she called and said she was across the road. She was sitting in a shopping trolley in the car park across the road, very drunk. I pushed her around in the trolley for a bit, which was fun. Then she pushed me around in it, and it fell over, and it hurt. So I decided not to play that game anymore...

Anyway, she came in, we talked for awhile, then we cuddled, then she decided she wanted to climb into bed with me, but nothing was going to happen. After kissing her back for a couple of minutes, she rolled over and jumped on me. We had sex, it was great, I loved it... She wouldn't leave me alone most of the night, and I hardly got any sleep.

Still, amazing. And she's coming over again tonight I think. If she didn't freak out this morning realising what she'd done. Still, she seemed ok, albeit hungover.

Ok, I wasn't as gentlemanly as I could have been, but when a girl shows up at 2.30am unannounced, what else would a guy think, but 'she wants me'? I guess I was right...

:D

Hope and Disappointment

I'm starting to feel a little sad about S, who it seems isn't much interested in anything more than friendship. She was flirting with me, but she's stopped now, I think she's got scared. I feel a little down about it, because I really thought it was going well, and we had a good connection. Still, she has just got back in England, and who knows what will happen tomorrow. I hope she doesn't cancel on me or anything. I think I would actually cry.

N texted me this evening - I've been over at B's babysitting the kids. I am unsure why she did, because when I texted back she didn't reply. Maybe just to see if I was ignoring her. I was going to, but I told the kids she had texted, and T said, 'are you going to write back?' After that, I felt guilty considering ignoring her.

When I put the kids to bed, T tried to get me to stay, and said I could sleep in B and K's room. I said they were coming back later, he then suggested I build a bed so I can stay here too, and not have to go home. I felt bad again for leaving. I feel like a shitty useless person in their lives sometimes. I can't give them what I wanted to any more. I tread on someone's toes, and they aren't my kids. I hate what N has put me and them through, I just can't believe how much I have had to deal with from so many women this year. None of them have a clue what they want. I don't know what it is I am missing that women keep giving up on me for. Why do I have to give so much to people, and then have them turn around and spit in my face?

On the other hand, my date with A went really well. We met for coffee, then decided to go for lunch, and had lunch at a nice French place near Matlock. Then we went for a long walk. I spent about 6 hours with her, chatting non-stop. She's really intelligent, very very pretty, and probably the nicest person I have met in a long time.

She was shy at first, but soon warmed up. We have a lot in common, and I think it could be a really good thing. We are meeting up next Saturday for lunch, perhaps in Derby this time. I hope it goes well, I need some hope. She isn't the sort of girl I would want to rush with. She is very nice, and seems nervous about getting involved. But she's so warm, and genuinely caring. I don't know if I really know anyone like her that actually likes me.

To be honest, if I had the choice, I would still go for S, if she would give me a chance, I would wait. It's not that A isn't awesome, it's just I don't know her that well yet. I feel like I could hurt her too, she seems quite a fragile person emotionally. Anyway, whatever happens, I am free and single at the moment, and so I can decide what I want to do myself. I do like committing to someone though. I've never been the player sort really. I am now confused because although I have lots of female interest now, it's on a very friendship kind of level. I don't feel like I've met anyone who either wants to jump into bed with me, or start a relationship with me, or both. Still, I guess there's lots of hope.

In more exciting news (I'm full of it today), I'm off to Maine on Sunday, so I'll be seeing old friends. I'm determined to have an swesome time, and I think they will make sure I do. It will be cool to spend new year somewhere different for a change too. My friends have been pretty disappointing of late. I would expect a very dull new year if I stayed here.

Also, I plan to spend a little time in New Jersey on the way back, and see my friend E who I've been talking to lately. She's been a lot of support with everything that happened with N, and I really want to see her and tell her how much I appreciate it. She seems excited to see me too, and is checking with her girlfriend on what they'll be up to.

So, a bit of an up and down week to be honest. I have hope and disappointment all over the place...

Dancing Drama Queen

Going out with N last night was clearly a big mistake. I was generally doing ok, and I was trying to stay detached emotionally, even when she was going on about her new boyfriend, despite me having made it clear before we went out that it was an off limits topic. She talked about him and other guys a lot. I mostly just tried to pretend it didn't bother me.

It was going well and we were having fun, until we started dancing together. I think I put my arm round her and stuff which she said was ok, but not to cross the line. I was making her laugh a lot and she seemed to be having a good time.

But when we started dancing she started grinding against me. Then she told me off for dancing too close to her, so I backed off a bit, and she started grinding into me again.

Apparently, her side of the story is that I did it to her. This is not the case, she did it to me, and she was enjoying it for awhile, until she realised what she was doing.

A few minutes later we sat down, and she told me I had crossed the line. I burst out laughing at this. I would normally have been upset or angry, but what she said was so unfair after the way she had just been acting that it was actually very humorous. And I wouldn't tell her why I was laughing. When I did, she walked out. No talking about it, or anything, she stormed out and left. After me buying the meal, drinks all night, entry to the club, and us mostly getting on fine, she found an excuse to blame me for something that made her uncomfortable, and I was again the bad guy in her latest drama.

We had stupid arguments this morning, and I refused to accept responsibility. I apologised for upsetting her by laughing, because I didn't intend to. But she overreacted. Like she often does.

I am sick of the anxiety, of feeling like I am walking on egg shells because the next thing I do or say will upset her. And she moans and complains all the time to me. I am sick of hearing how awful her life is, how bad everything is for her. I ask her to help me with things, start paying back the money she owes me, respect my wishes about what I don't want to talk about with her, or stop talking to me, and she's unable to do any of these things. She doesn't respect me, she has no integrity, and she is incredibly and unbelievably selfish most of the time.

After she left, she apparently met a man on the street, who offered her a lift. She accepted after speaking to him for 5 minutes. Then she went to the car park, but it had closed. So she spent 3 hours talking to him until it opened at 5am, and then got him to drop her off. She's crazy.

Enough about bitchface. I am sick to the back teeth of her and her shit. I have blocked her on MSN. We'll see how long it is before she decides she really wants to speak to me again. Hopefully a good while.

On the other side of things, I am making new friends with girls I've met on the net, and I have another date tommorrow with a lovely girl, who we'll call A. We get on well, and she seems sweet and nice. We're meeting for coffee, then possibly lunch tomorrow. I hope I'm ok, and don't act all stupid like I've been doing at dates before.

Even better news is that S is coming back from Greece in a couple of days, and she's coming over on Christmas Eve. It's too early to tell if we have a chance of being anything more than friends, but she is a wonderful friend. She's beautiful, intelligent, articulate and passionate. She's an awesome girl. I hope I have a chance with her. I am starting to feel her warming to me, and I have made a real connection with her, more than I have with anyone for a long time. I think she's very scared of getting involved though, although I'm pretty sure she is attracted to me still, and likes me. The only trouble is, if we did get involved then she'd be in Greece for a few months still. I'd miss her so much. I think I will anyway after I've seen her. I suppose I could always go out there though.

So, the other sides of my social life are picking up. I actually have two more girls I've planned to go on dates with, and have agreed. An intelligent ecologist, and a sexy social worker. I am really attracted to the social worker, but not so much on an intellectual level. She'd be fun to go out with though. The ecologist girl, I'm not sure I really fancy. But I get on with her well. I also have three more women on Guardian Soulmates interested in me, and a couple of girls I haven't written back to yet on match.com.

I think I tried too hard a week or two ago, and now I have more interest than I can handle. I am replying to so many emails, and trying to remember what I have asked everybody. It's hard work. So I asked A almost immediately if she wanted to go out. It saves all the getting to know each other, and then being disappointed after you meet. I'd rather meet her sooner and see if we are compatible or not. She is rather pretty, very pretty actually, and she is extremely intelligent, seems quite passionate, and has a soft sweet manner to her. She's a counsellor and alternative therapist. Great profession for a potential girlfriend lol. I suppose even if we aren't romantically interested, there's a chance that we could be friends.

So in other respects, life is good. Work went well this week, and I am finally starting to feel more productive and put some passion in. I realise that N has had me emotionally exhausted, I just have so little to give sometimes. If I stopped talking to her, perhaps the constant anxiety will fade. I hope so. B seems to think it helped him a lot. I am glad to start enjoying work again, it feels awful that I don't have the energy and passion for it I used to, and I'm glad some of my interest in computers is coming back again.

Never Forget

The last few weeks, attracting any interest from most of my friends has been very difficult. I can't get people to go out, even after offering to buy them drinks, and I'm getting a bit sick of it. Also, dating has dried up a bit, and I was feeling positively miserable being at home on a Saturday night, when I am young free and single. I feel reasonably attractive, but I don't seem to be able to get any romantic interest in me, no matter how much I flirt, chat, or how I treat people.

I am working the dating websites, sending lots of emails, and not getting many replies from women. On the other hand, men aren't really leaving me alone, and slightly flirting in a jokey way seems to be bringing every horndog to my door recently. Why isn't it working with women too? I'm not ready to give men that sort of attention, and I want an emotional connection with people right now, not a sexual one.

I am still upset about N, and I just want some sort of social life to take my mind off things, and help move on with my life. When I start making an emotional connection with a woman though, they seem to be incredibly clear about it just being friends. It's getting on my wick. What is wrong with me? Why can't I keep a girlfriend or have a long term relationship? When I am with another girl, women seem to all be interested in me. Once I'm single, it's a different matter.

It's so frustrating. All I really want is a friend, and an emotional connection. It's so hard even to get that with anyone other than N. Everyone is keeping me at arms length. It's sort of like everyone knows unstable I have been recently. Was there a memo about it recently!?

I don't think I'll ever be able to live down my mental health problems. I really think they will haunt me forever. I am seriously thinking about moving down to London, trying to make new friends and start again. People who don't know me, and don't know my past and my issues. And people who will take me for who I am, rather than who they think I am.

I feel like a lot of people hate me for making them feel bad. I think N does and she won't admit it to me. But people think of you in terms of the way you make them feel about themselves. And the overdose I took completely broke me and N's relationship. After that, nothing was the same. My first suicide attempt lost me my relationship with Sarah. And my arrest and suicidal behaviour 5 or 6 weeks ago alienated two more of my friends. I feel like a complete loser about everything that has happened this year.

I hate that the horrendous circumstances leading to me being suicidal will keep haunting me. Everyone knows. All of my friends. And they won't ever forget. It's something that will be with me forever.

Don't Let the Beg Buds Bite

I got to see the kids today again - I realised just how much I had missed them when I got big hugs and a lot of attention from little L. He was really happy to see me, and so was T. Awesomeness. I got to have dinner with them, chatted with B and K and then we gave them a bath and I read T a couple of stories. He kept on saying he loved me, and I felt so sad that I haven't seen him more. I wanted to be a stable guy in their life, and I guess that won't be able to happen the same way. But I felt grateful for B allowing me to see them, and letting me take on some responsibility without feeling threatened. It's hard to know if I am getting too involved or not.

When T was ready to sleep, he said 'please stay' to me, and then told me his teddy had said it. I told him I'd be back to see him soon. I felt really sad. I lost a lot more than just N when our relationship ended. We did our little thing, where I say 'sleep tight' and he finishes it with 'don't let the beg buds bite'. So cute :)

Later B commented that it was clear I had got really close to T and that he liked how I cared about him so much. I offered to baby sit and things if they needed it, and he seemed to be keen on the idea. I hope I can see more of them, they really make me happy.

On the other side of things, I got a visit from someone who seemed to be from Inland Revenue today looking for N. She wouldn't tell me who she was, and said it was personal and could only speak to N. I gave her N's address. I perhaps could have refused, but it seemed a bit pointless to be difficult since it wouldn't be that hard for them to find her new one from her national insurance number and salary records. I texted her and told her, and she asked lots of questions. I don't want her to get into trouble, but it's not really my problem. On talking to B later, he said N had told him she'd paid back the tax credits she owed back, and that as far as he knew he was paying back all the money he owed them by agreement. So, I guess she misled him somewhat there, though why, I don't know. Still, really not my problem.

I have been trying not to talk to her, since I publically embrassed her on facebook on Monday, and she was very upset. We had a big argument. I apologised the next day, but she said 'I don't think an apology will cut it this time.' I realised that the only way I could get out of this cycle was to stop talking to her at all.

Since then she has contacted me about 3 times, but I think she'll start backing off. I try to avoid responding if I can. I'll only talk to her about what I need to, and try to get to a place where the horrible anxiety and dread I feel about doing things wrong starts to fade. It wasn't just me - B says he gets it too, and that things got a lot better after they broke up. She has a serious personality disorder, and requires constant attention. Even if it's negative attention. I think she'll probably contact me some more, which is ok. I just need to be strong and stay as stoic and calm as I can about things from now on. I need to regain my own self esteem, and stop worrying about what's happening in her life.

I remembered the BPD book I got early in the year when I was trying to deal with the same sort of thing with C. A huge fear of abandonment, coupled with a fierce independence and stubornness. N is different, but she has a few of the same traits. In people in relationships with people with BPD, it is common for them to get physical symptoms related to anxiety - the 'walking on eggshells' idea culminates in actual physical discomfort. Both me and B have experienced very similar things with N. Like feelings of dread or feeling sick when you know you will have to deal with a difficult mood, or an appeal for attention. I got severe paranoia after we broke up, and since them my sleeping has been extremely bad, and I keep waking up in the night in fits of anxiety. I know this is to do with depression, but the anxiety is definately at least in part from being in a constant state of alert for the last 4 months or so.

After showing him the symptoms list for Histrionic Personaity Disorder, he agreed that she showed almost all the symptoms. The trouble about personality disorders is that they are part of a personality itself. They can't be 'cured' easily. Only over the long term. They usually come about in early adulthood, and tend to receed later in life though. So there is hope there :)

Nothing Will Ever Be You

Songs don't always come from the places you expect them to. A case in point. Is the girl I am sad about, really what I'm sad about, or is it something else?

Rejection isn't new, it's just a different take on an old tune.



I wonder what on earth you're doing today
Now you don't talk to me
So many miles away
I had an excuse
To think of someone new
But she'll never do
She's not you

But god forbid I ever forget
How I felt that day
I still don't feel regret
And I still have so much to say
I hoped that I would marry you
And I still do

Oh Sarah you spoke to my soul
And now it's gone
The story left untold
Standing on a precipice
Hating life itself
A man don't come back from that
How can I forget?

Oh Sarah marry me please
Take me back
I'm begging on my knees
I never knew how much I needed you
But I still do


An illusion to cover my mistakes
I feel so guilty for hurting you that way
It doesn't matter what others say or do
I'm still in love with you

My dreams are gone, but I like to think of you
In the evening, or mid afternoon
As the sun shines through the glass
I feel the warmth I knew
It will never do
She's not you.

Oh Sarah a ring was not enough
To keep my heart from being crushed
Love's assault everything I knew
Was not enough for you

Oh Sarah what was wrong with me?
How didn't I begin to meet your needs?
Was it too much to soon,
To be so in love with you?



It seems forgiveness didn't come too soon
But I've forgiven you
And I moved on too
I still miss your little smile
I'll think of it awhile
While I dream of you
Like I always do


Oh Sarah how did you know?
When to hold on, and when to let go?
I gave you everything
How much I trusted you
I don't know why I still do

Oh Sarah marry me please
I'll do anything
I'm begging on my knees
I've never needed anything like I need you
This will never do
Nothing will ever be you.

.....


And so it goes. The deeper into the rabbit hole I go, the deeper I regret. I hate myself for so many things that I don't even know where to start.

Selfish Bitch

Another eventful day. I started flirting too much with N this morning who made it clear she wasn't interested. I took the hint and left her alone, trying to concentrate on work. I was having a pretty productive day, and felt pretty glad about it.

Later B called me to talk about me seeing the kids later in the week, so we arranged for Thursday afternoon. Then he told me what N had said about the kids meeting her new guy.

Now, myself and N had had a conversation about this last night, where I told her that she should be very careful because of how upset T had been this week about the divorce, and he wasn't even sleeping by himself anymore. He's been behaving really badly and asking why Daddy doesn't love Mummy anymore to B. She assured me she was being careful, that I didn't need to warn her, and that he'd not be meeting G until after Christmas.

Later today, independently, N decides it is the perfect time to introduce G into the mix. T wouldn't sleep tonight apparently, and has had to sleep in her bed. Strangely, G somehow manages to meet T before he goes to bed, despite the idea being that he comes round after the kids are in bed. Weird how that turned out. What a co-incidence. B told me on the phone that she had sounded like they might meet 'accidentally' and she hadn't been concerned about it.

She had me livid when I heard all this. I sent her a text (which as usual she ignored). I posted facebook message about how selfish I thought she was being. At this point I was so angry with her, I thought about calling social services. I remembered all the times she left the house without giving the kids breakfast, didn't wash clothes, and was late over and over again for everything. All the times I had to convince her to get up while I was doing their breakfast. All the times she sits on the computer and ignores the kids and anything else that needs doing. She can be a good mother, and loving, but at the moment all she can think about is herself. She's so full of herself, so absorbed in her own problems that she can't see anyone elses. B told me how the kids missed their vacinations and she didn't return the health visitors calls, and how T has been missing sessions at school. Eventually B had to take them to get the vacinations because she didn't sort it out.

I am just so sick of her excuses. When she came online later, she read the stuff on facebook and freaked. Then she got mad and accused me of lots of things. I didn't rise to the bait and when accused me of doing it because I was jealous, and all this sort of thing. She tried everything she could to twist things around to me, including threatening self harm. She's never done that before to me, but I know she has threatened to hurt herself to B before. It didn't work, I said I wasn't taking responsibility for her hurting herself. And she started being nice to me, and trying to say how hard she was finding it. Nothing made me more sympathetic, so she gave up.

That is the first time I haven't given into her, and haven't felt guilty about it afterwards. She's just gone way too far for me to sympathise anymore. Everything is her first, everyone else second.

She needs to grow up, and quickly. I hope one day she'll get over the self pity, and start seeing that she is a mother of two children and needs to act like an adult.

Life Marches On

Weird day. I sort of slagged of N's latest crush, and took him to pieces a bit because I think he might be the same guy C had a lot of trouble with. Then I left and went off to the gym, which turned out to be a fabulously good mood. I took my anger and frustration out on the treadmill and weights, and left feeling like a different person. After that, I started talking to her later, and I discussed going swimming with her on Thursday mornings, which we are going to do I think. We are going to buy Christmas trees this Thursday though.

I have a lot of hope of being friends with her. I really hope I can keep going and get over the hurt, at the same time as keeping in contact with her. It's important, and I really want to have the strength. Most of the issues I have are inside my own head, which is where I need to repair the damage. I hope I can be strong enough to do that.

I talked about T who seems to be having issues at the moment with B and N's breakup. I miss the kid, I really want to see him soon. Perhaps N will let me see them in a week or so. B will perhaps let me see them this coming week. I feel like it would help to be there for him at the moment.

Life marches on. It is starting to feel like the meaning will come back. But it's not there yet.

Needy Little Boy

I nearly went out with N last night to see some bands but she wasn't feeling well, I tried three other people and two of them didn't reply, so I spent another night in on the internet. I'm getting really sick of my friends not wanting to be friends. I only want to go out and have a good time, but they just don't seem interested. The only nights out I'm having are dates with almost strangers. It's nice, but I need someone I know to go out with too!

I got into another emotive discussion with N which descended to and from an argument. I was trying to be standoffish and slightly mean, but after a few glasses of wine it quickly descended into a lack of control and messy feelings, me telling how much I loved her still and how much I wanted her, and bla bla bla. I think maybe I should stop drinking for a week or two, and see if it helps control my emotions a bit better. I am struggling to cope with the constant anxiety at the moment.

So this morning I woke again at 5am, managed to get back to sleep for an hour, then the anxiety kicked in again and I was wide awake and couldn't get back to sleep. It's getting to be an amazong pain. I can't remember the last time I had a proper, uninterupted night's sleep. I don't know the best thing to do about it.

In other news, I thought I'd give growing a beard a go. Never tried before. The idea makes me feel manly :)

Miss Demeanor

I brought a lot of things up with R today in therapy - how I feel about men, and my issues around an encounter with Sandy years ago and how it affected me. I only need to bring up C next week and she'll have the full picture of just how screwed up I am. But she didn't seem judgemental, and she asked a lot about how I felt about telling her, which helped me realise it scared me a lot.

I lent some money to C earlier in the week. She was going to bring it back tonight, but she is in Derby after a show. I asked if she wanted to go out for a drink if I met her in Mansfield, and she suggested going out for dinner too, which sounded nice. So I said yes. But she's too tired now, and I worked her down to a takeaway, but then she warns me she has to go to Tesco too. I am then confused on why she asked me about dinner in the first place. I guess she just is tired, so I've asked if she'd like to do it another day instead. She's nutty as she always has been. She called to apologise and explained she was doing three shows a day for 6 days a week. Sounds like hard work, I'm not surprised she's tired.

I met up with B in the pub this afternoon. We did talk about other stuff apart from N for awhile. Then we complained about her for an hour and a half, and shared gossip. At least I don't feel alone in the way I think about her, and the huge amount of anxiety she caused me. B said something about dreading each day, and the new stresses it would bring, which is something I could really relate to. She told me she has got an appointment for therapy though. All I can say is thank god. She really needs this help, and I hope she will be open to examining herself, and her motivation for things. I think she has a histrionic personality, and she has a constant need for attention and approval. It won't be easy, but she can change and move on if she wants to.

...Several hours past without me publishing this. I rearranged with C for Sunday. And then I watched a couple of episodes of the wire, had a couple of glasses of wine, and started thinking about N again. I wish I didn't feel so lonely. It's weird - since I've been apart from her, whenever she's out and I'm not, it's like I'm missing a party I really wanted to be invited to, and everyone's having fun but me...
It's obvious I've still not completely let her go. I think I'll know I have when I start to know who I am again, start to enjoy the things I used to do, and feel capable. I hope that comes soon, I miss feeling like I am coping and doing well with my life. I think I deserve to be happy, I try my best, and I try to be a good person. I deserve to have some happiness.

Sandy Beaches

Morning pop-pickers. I'm not sure who I'm addressing exactly, because as far as I am aware, no one reads this!

This morning I'm feeling uncertain again. I've yet to get anywhere exploring the depths of my subconscious, and am rapidly coming to the conclusion that it's not worth worrying about. I'll do what I feel like and see what happens. I have decided I could do with a new hobby to keep me occupied though, something to work my brain a little that I enjoy. I think it will help with work and getting back to the kind of thinking I could do a few months ago.

I feel very shallow and vain recently - I think I've been talking for N too long. I spoke to B about her this morning, who is really glad to be rid of her. I guess I am starting to feel the same. I don't get much from her but complaints these days, and she's not a friend who makes me feel good about myself, she makes me feel worse. I think I will try to develop a standoff relationship with her and avoid having her feelings get to me. There are other women out there, and they are better for me. I can accept having feelings for her without having to act on them.

I realised what a lot I've been through this year when I contacted my old friend Sandy (that's obviously not her actual name). She's someone I slept with a long time ago, she used to be my friend's girlfriend. I had stronger feelings for her then too, but it was a menage et trois, with him and her, and I felt guilty for feeling that way about her for a long time. I guess it's in the past now though, perhaps something new will develop, or at least I will be able to be friends with her again. I miss that.

I have a therapy appointment soon, so I will cut this short. Perhaps I'll write more later.

Old Friends

I don't know what I want anymore. I think it's just to have a bit of fun and get to know some new people, but I get insecure and scared sometimes like today. I am confused about my sexuality a lot at the moment, because of all these new feelings I'm getting. I am getting very attracted to certain men, and it's scary for me.

I think I just need to cool down and stop pushing myself in various directions. I am still in love, I am still seeking something I need to find in myself from other people. I am struggling to find my identity, which has been so all over the place this year, that I don't really know who I am anymore.

I thought I was going to get married, then I thought I was my own man, then I thought I was a father, now I don't know what the hell I am. I am just a guy, lacking in faith and something to pursue.

I had dreams and ambitions, and they are slipping away one by one. I just want to learn to enjoy life, but all it feels like right now is a string of random moments. I feel anxious all the time, and uncertain, and unhappy.

My job is difficult and I am struggling to concentrate - my abilities are way down on what they used to be. I struggle to understand things, I am slow.

I am still fit and healthy, but my body is never good enough for me, I want better muscles, a better stomach, better skin and hair. I work hard at the gym, but not hard enough. Nothing I do is good enough for me, and I don't know how to get out of this cycle. I wish I could just start to feel happy with who I am again. I want people to like me so much, that I don't even think about liking myself a lot of the time.

I think the crucial thing I am missing is confidence in my abilities. I have lost my intellectual confidence a lot, and my drive and ambition. I had lots of plans, and I don't know where they've all gone, or what I need to do to achieve them anymore. I don't know what will make me happy, other than a loving relationship. That's not something that's easy to find. And I'm not sure I'm ready.

I've been talking to an old friend who I've always been attracted to. We're going to meet up around christmas. I guess I think we are well suited, and I have nice fantasy ideas about me and her. But she'll be working abroad until halfway through next year, so I don't know if anything could really happen with us, even if we both wanted it to. But at least at the moment, my little crush gives me hope that there is a woman out there for me. I miss believing that. I wish I could find someone loyal, and loving and kind, to show me that such women exist, and want to be with me.

Dating and Damsels

I went out on another date tonight with a nice girl. We seem to get on pretty well, although there aren't really many sparks there. I'd really like to have her as a friend though, even if nothing happens. She seems really cool, and a laid back, kind person. I really would like to get to know her better. I hope she feels the same.

I have been having a lot of surprises lately about my sexuality. I have always known that I am slightly gay, and find men attractive sometimes, but have never acted on these feelings, or had any major sexual impulses towards men. Recently things have changed - I've been having sexual fantasies involving men. I'm not sure how much I am going to follow through with it yet, but it's exciting and scary at the same time. Very weird though.

Thanks for all the fish

N just apologised to me for being mean last night. It doesn't make a lot of difference though. I realised that I love her still, but I really don't like her right now.

I think she is immoral and unethical, and keeps justifying her own selfishness with excuses. I don't have time for people like that in my life.

Like an American friend told me last week, it isn't worth it, there are plenty of nice people around, and there is no reason to put up with the horrible ones in your life. I will make new friends, and keep my real friends, and stop trying to panda to the wishes of people who don't care about me and my feelings.

She can grow up, and maybe one day I'll like her again. She needs to stop thinking she is right about everything though and start seeing somebody else's viewpoint for a change. She has endless excuses, endless pity speeches and endless platitudes to give out, and I'm getting sick of it. Time to forget about her and move on. So long N, and thanks for all the fish.

Stupid Cow

Again I wake up at 5.30am wondering what's wrong with my body clock. My first thoughts are the norm, I think about N, and the arguments we had last night.

For the first time though, I am still angry at her. I still resent her this morning, and I don't feel bad for upsetting her last night. She deserves to be upset, and I deserve to be able to hate her for how she has made me feel. Things are easier that way.

I deleted her friend from Facebook too, because I was sick of seeing her status updates. Then I felt all self-rightous and realised that I don't need to make this work for anyone else, only for myself. I am convinced that she really doesn't care about me at all after speaking to her last night, so why should I care about her? I will help her pay for the therapy still, to be a decent human being, but I don't feel an obligation to her anymore. I have felt obligated for so long. I guess I have a strong sense of loyalty that it takes a lot to break. Well, she eventually managed to break it.

I am glad I spoke to her, because normally this has the wrong effect, but I am actually quite convinced that it is for the best now. It would take a fucking saint to put up with her shit. I guess that's what B was for being married to her. She is a self absorbed, vacuous, superficial, pretentious bitch, who also acts like a slut and doesn't care about other people's feelings. She thinks she is much smarter than she actually is, and this coupled with her extreme stubborness makes her a massive pain in the arse. She also has a huge sense of entitlement, like she deserves to be treated differently to other people. She doesn't.

I hate her. Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Wow, that was venomous. But true, in her case.

I never felt this way about S. She has her issues, but at least she doesn't pretend she is always doing the right thing. N has to have to moral high ground too. Stupid cow. Grrrrrr.

Grrrrr

Grrrr. How can you love someone so much that frustrates you so insanely? She just needs to get on with it and get some fucking therapy, but I expect she'll put it off forever.

Why should I care anymore? I wish I could just stop caring, I really do.


I WANT TO BREAK FREEEEEEEEEE

FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK. Why do I always fall in love with women who are insane?

Fucking bitch. I hate her so much. And I love her too. That makes me hate her even more.

Break Even

I keep hearing this song, that I really hate. It's not that I don't like the sort of music (although I don't), it's because it's exactly how I feel about N right now, and it keeps reminding me of it, because it's played so often.

Yeah, it's the Script, a song called Breakeven. And it's way too right.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks, no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man thats gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks, no it don't break even

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks, no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks, no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks, no it don't break even)

Lack of a Spark

I went on a date this afternoon with a new girl I met on match. She was lovely, but I'm not sure that anything will happen there. I was nervous around her, and I was a bit afraid of being myself because she seemed so timid and shy. She seems really innocent, I think she may be a virgin, and she has never been on a plane before. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but she's not very adventurous or ambitious, which is sort of a turn off really.

She's not realy travelled much and lives with her parents. She seems like the family type, but I'd expect her to want to meet someone from a Church group, not a freaky, criminal type like me. She is way too nice for me. I usually go for head strong women who know what they want. She is cute and shy and although very pretty, she's quite reserved and it's hard to see if she likes me or not.

Of course, as soon as I left (and most of the date) I was thinking about how amazing N is, and how she was so much more my type, and more attactive to me. It's really hard to deal when I know who I want to be with already, and I can't have them. I wish love wasn't so complicated.

I miss the certainty of knowing what I wanted my future to be. Now it is all a blank slate. I want to go out and have fun, but the harder I try, the less fun I seem to have. I suppose that's how it works really though...maybe I'm trying too hard or something. I still believe there are other girls I could get on with really well out there, but the ones I am really interested in don't seem to return my interests. Maybe I should just give up and be alone.

Cathartic Letter

Here's a letter I wrote to the police. It's sort of cathartic apologising for what I did. Names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty) ;)



29th November 2008


Dear Sergeant McNulty,

I am writing to thank you and the other officers involved in my case for your help and support on 15th November when I was arrested at *** after breaking into the premises. I deeply regret the actions I took on that night, and am seeking help for the emotional state that led me to become so unstable and destructive.

I just wanted to personally thank you for the advice and support that I was offered. I always felt that I was treated in a reasonable and understanding way, and I am grateful for the professional and sympathetic conduct of everyone involved.

I am not sure of the names of the arresting officers on that night, but one of them was very supportive to me when I was in shock at the time, and I’d like to thank him for his understanding, and the way he handled the matter. It made things a lot easier for me, and it was entirely down to his own character that he was as helpful and understanding as he was.

I wish you and your colleagues the best of luck in the future, and I want to assure you that something like this will never happen again. I need to learn to deal with my problems in constructive ways, and what happened that night has taught me a lot about myself, and how I handle difficult situations.

Once again, thank you to yourself, Officer Freamon, and all of the other police officers involved. You should be proud of the work you do, and I’d like to wish you all a happy Christmas and New Year.


Yours Sincerely,

Thomas Langdon

Pain and Suffering

No matter how hard I try, N is never far from my thoughts. Yesterday, I read on her blog that G had said the L word to her. The amount of initials in that sentence would be funny, if it wasn't for the content...

I decided to stop talking to her for awhile, because I felt a deep hole in my chest, and I don't know if anything will ever fill it in. I still dream of being together with her again, even though I know the chances are so slim. And I miss so much about her, and feel like I didn't appreciate it enough at the time. I regret so much. I wish I could stop feeling this way.

I went to therapy and talked things through with R. Lots of stuff came out. I realised that I didn't, and still don't trust my Mum. I told her lots about how I cling to women for dear life when I think they will leave me, and explained to her how I felt it had been like this for a long time. She guessed it was to do with my Mum, after I used the word 'desperation' and I think things became clear to her then.

I think my feelings for N are also tangled up in my feelings for S. She became the replacement for my lost hope, and I invested a huge amount of myself in our relationship. Too much. I still feel like a shadow of who I was, and I can't remember what it was like to be by myself and have no girl to confide in. It was E, then C then S and then N. I have not been single for this long for over a year, and I feel scared and lonely. I am starting to isolate myself, and I don't trust anyone very much. It's not a good place to be.

On the bright side, I am getting on with a new girl, who is also an S. I suppose she'll have to be S2. Lol. Well, anyway, things are going quite well and I have a date with her on Saturday. It'll be good to get back into dating and meeting new people, it did a lot for my confidence with women last year.

I spoke to her on the phone today. She seems quite quiet and shy, and although I can be shy, for the most part I'm not like that anymore. She's a lot more reserved than me so I am a little worried I'll scare her. I am hoping that she finds my silliness and liberated attitude endearing. On the other hand I might iritate her.

She seems quite religious, although we've not really talked about it. I am a little scared she'll be a bit too down to earth for me, and unremarkable. Still, maybe I'll make a friend at least, and I could do without another nutty woman for the time being.

The trouble is, the people I am most attracted to, are the sort of people with larger than life personalities. Unfortunately, I can't seem to hold on to them very long. Maybe I am too boring, or self-absorbed, or unattractive. I don't know what is wrong with me. According to my last three girlfriends, it's them, not me. But yet still they leave me. What's up with that?

I am sick of being given the line about them wanting to be by themselves. C did that, and so did N (and also my first love too). All of them were seeing other people within a few weeks. It's such bullshit. I think during the sex education classes at school, they take girls aside and teach them all of the lame break up lines that they are allowed to use in the future, and make sure they all have the same ones.

E said - I want to be with someone a bit more manly (talk about ouch...I hit the gym obessively after that. Apparently fucking her against a tree in a country lane when we met up at about midnight isn't any sign of manliness).
C said - I want to be by myself. I need to be single right now. (that was bullshit).
S said - I want to be with my husband still. (Ok, at least that was a good reason, even if she did it in a mean way)
N said - I can't handle a relationship right now (looks to be turning out like bullshit, or just I want to have my cake and eat it).

Girls really are full of shit. I expect the next few relationships to go the same way to be honest. Boy meets girl, boy is scared of falling in love. Girl tells boy repeatedly that she loves him, boy opens up, girl takes everything, breaks up with boy and leaves bloody carcas. That's how the last three went.

Three girls I've been in love with this year. All of them said they wanted to stay with me, and marry me. (Yes, C used to look at pictures of wedding dresses and ask me when I was going to propose to her - I'd been seeing her two months at this point). These women don't know what they want. I think they are all emotionally immature. Do I attract people like that or something? Well, I suppose at least none of them left me because I didn't have an Audi TT. I do get the impression that E feels very guilty about the way she treated me now. Her views on men have definately changed since she fell in love with the guy she's seeing.

As we are speaking C started talking to me on MSN, which is an unusual occurrance. Usually I say a couple of sentences to her, and she either replies and tells me she's depressed, or she ignores me. Lately she's mostly being ignoring me. So I guess she saw the thing about the nice girl I've been talking to on facebook, and she got curious, and asked me about it. Interesting. She's single at the moment. I wonder if she is having a bit of reminiscence about me. Or not. Lol. Either way, it's interesting how being with a girl suddenly makes other girls more interested. It's always that way.

Lust and Want

I am doing better at being just friends with N I think. Yesterday she came over and had lunch with me, and dropped my stuff off. I kissed her though, and things got arkward after that. She made it pretty clear that however I felt now, she wasn't comfortable with anything more than friends now.

I felt slightly hurt when she said she thought something would happen with this guy she's been seeing, G. She thinks she has feelings for him. So I guess the whole thing about it not being me that was the problem really isn't true anymore, or ever was. I don't know.

Either way, it didn't affect me as much as I expected. I know what she is like, and I have learnt not to expect anything from her. Even for her to not be rude to me. She was quite rude when I said that I had lost a lot of my dreams and I sort of knew how it felt. She kind of belittled my experiences and made it sound like hers were more relevant and important. But that's just her at the moment. Extremely self aborbed, to the point that other people's feelings aren't that relevant unless they affect her. She apologised, but she overreacted because she's very depressed right now I think.

I can deal with it. I want to support her, and hopefully help her to get better, and become happier with herself. I really think she needs to feel wanted by men at the moment, and that seems to be natural in the circumstances of her divorce. But I don't want her to get more hurt, or hurt anyone else.

In my own life, which is really the purpose of this blog, I seem to be getting on well with a girl I've been chatting to from match.com. I think I have a date lined up with her next weekend. She's cute, friendly, seems intelligent and nice, and most importantly she is positive and easy going. I think I could enjoy spending time with her as a friend, even if nothing else came of it. I am flirting a lot with her, which I warned her about, so hopefully she doesn't get too put off by that before I meet her. I hope she's not the no sex before marriage type, because I so want to lose myself in her gorgeous little body :) Ouch, that sounds very lustful. But I really am right now, I am missing sex a lot. I really need to feel manly and sexy again. I need to have a girl grab on to me and scratch her nails down my back, and make me feel like I am needed in that lustful, wanton way... I want to make her happy and give her so much pleasure, and feel her legs quiver as I kiss the inside of her thighs. Wow.

Man I need to calm down, I don't want to scare her away. It's not just about sex, and maybe something serious could come from it. But I want to take things one step at a time. And be slow with her. Well, apart from the sex part..

I've been really quite tired most of the weekend, but I'm still sleeping badly. I took the weekend as oportunities to lie in and try to get back to sleep though, which sort of seemed to help. I am find talking to N sort of emotionally draining at the moment, because she's so miserable. I guess that's better than being unable to handle it though, and I added her again on facebook yesterday. I can deal with things now. It's still hard, but it's bearable. And I am feeling less need to be bitter to her, and accept her feelings more.

I realise I have a lot of support from other people, and that N's crazy mood swings and way of looking at the world had a big influence on me. I feel calmer and more in control than I have for months. I don't feel very happy, but I am definately getting through the depression. I hope I can keep it up, and keep doing things that are healthy for me, and help me get better.

I think in the future, whatever happens I can understand how important it is to love and respect yourself. Without self respect, anyone can walk over you, and you let them. And I have lost a lot of that this year. I need to win it back, and start caring about myself and my needs again.

Cautioned and Corrected

I spoke to N again tonight, to explain what happened on Friday. I don't think she knew anything much about what had happened, so it was good to tell her. I handled it better than I thought I would, even the bit where she delibrately told me she'd been at least kissing her other date on Saturday. She has tonsilitis though, which she put down to karma. I don't envy her, it's horrible.

I am much less worried than I would have been a week ago. I am still jealous and I miss her, but it's not as obsessive, and I know they are her choices to make. Before, I was desperately trying to avoid being what I saw as being abandoned by her, and I was so afraid and insecure that the other guys just really got to me. When I am confident and secure, I even suggest the ideas of sleeping with other people, and made up fantasies for her. Sadly, when I became insecure, they turned into nightmare scenarios for me. It's weird how things change like that.

I was speaking to R again in therapy today, and I feel like we are making progress in getting to the root of issues. She asked me to focus on my own feelings today, and to leave N out of things for a change. It helped, and I was able to focus on how I felt about myself and stop tying them to my feelings to her. It's amazing how much I have somehow attached my self belief to her feelings for me.

I went to the gym today, and I have been feeling generally quite well. I've been able to keep my feelings in check. I've been negative, but I've been able to cheer myself up and get on with things. Housework and cooking are both possible, and the house is very clean for me.

The big news of the day is that I got the conditional caution that the Police had offered, and I just need to pay £300 within 90 days to repair the damage. Not so bad - I could have had to go to court. I felt underwhelmed by the news, and slightly uncomfortable when my parents started joking about it on the way back to the car. I didn't like them discussing it in public, and I came to realise that I am very ashamed about it. It doesn't fit with my morals or how I see my character at all.

I seem to have a need for drama in things this year. It's been dramatic all round, and my overactive fear responses, insecurity and paranoia seem to have gone mad. I really need to work out where these issues come from, and sort them out from the ground up. I am only just beginning to understand what's caused all the emotional trauma I seem to be suffering from, and I believe that there are a lot of unresolved problems and emotions that I never dealt with.

But I'm getting there, and I feel optimistic today. The future seems much better than a few weeks ago. I know I have survived against all the odds. If I make it to March 26th (sorry, I'll change that to WHEN I make it), I'll have a big party. To celebrate being alive. Or a quiet celebration. But it will be celebrated none the less :)

Rescuer

I've been spending quite a lot of time with my parents this weekend, and we've had dinner the last couple of nights, and talked a lot about things. I have written to
the people who got involved on Friday, except N, who I'm not ready to talk to yet.

I will probably contact her in a couple of days when I feel stronger. There are too many emotions tied up, and I need to untangle them and start to feel happy with myself again. I am starting to miss talking to her a lot, but I know that I have been obsessive and unhealthy about it. I need to stop until I am ready to move on with my life, and stop interfering in hers. I know that I've been doing that, and that I was trying to control things desperately.

I think because my feelings have been so out of control, trying to control other people's actions is the only way I feel like I can get a grip on the situation. As it's clear from Friday though, I am danger of completely losing control of myself in the process.

I have felt very guilty about how people feel about me, and what I put them through again. After talking to my stepdad though, I realised that I can't control this. I have apologised, and that is all I can do, and people have to make up their own mind's about me. I need to stop trying to desperately control everything, it's impossible to, and it gets making me anxious and unable to cope.

I have been talking about my tendancy to take responsibility for the wrong things too today. I do this for lots of things - how people feel about me, whether other people are happy, things that aren't to do with my job, global politics, or anything that seems like someone needs to take responsibility.

I am so wrapped up in these false responsibilities, that I have stopped taking responsibility for my own well being, safety and actions. In reality, they are the only things I can control, and the only things I am responsible for. Whatever happened to my morals, my do no harm philosophy? Somewhere in my broken consciousness it's there still. But I have not been true to myself, to my own ethics, and standards. There's a sort of cognative disonance which I need to resolve. And it seems to make me restless, and feel awful about myself.

I need to go easy on myself for awhile, and stop caring what people think. Because I can't control it, and if they think badly of me, and don't want to talk to me, then that is because of their issues, not mine. I am who I am, for better or worse, and I need to accept myself first, before I let anyone else judge me. That's the most important thing I can do at the moment, regain my sense of self. Because it feels like I almost entirely lost it. Not speaking to N will help reinforce things, because I know that my self esteem is so tied up in what she thinks of me.

Everyone has to follow their own path in life, and sometimes people's paths take the same route. But in the end, we walk on our own, and people can only carry us a certain distance. After that, we have to learn to walk again, or get a wheelchair. Either way, we have to take responsibility for continuing life. No one else can make me love life, and want to live. That comes from within myself.

I have done so many things I regret in the last couple of months. I feel like I'm not sure who I am anymore. But I need to stop looking back, and start looking forward. I can't change what I did now, but I can be more positive in the future, and try to stay out of the cycle that I seem to have got stuck in, of rejections crushing me, and looking for, or to be a new rescuer. The only person I am capable of rescuing right now is myself.

Cell Block H

Last night I spent a night in a cell after I was arrested on suspicion of burglary. It was a bizare, confusing and scary night, where I was in the sort of state of mind I've never had before. On reading about it, it appears to be what's called a mixed state, with a combination of depressive and manic symptoms.

I went out to see some bands, and I was enjoying myself earlier in the evening, a girl had been coming on to me and wanted to chat. I think I became a bit too clingy, because she got upset at me and one of her male friends told me to leave her alone. I felt very rejected, and dejected, and left in a very upset state.

Whilst walking I convinced myself that I wanted to die, and went searching for a high building to jump from. I first tried the car park I had gone to in March, but it was after 2, so the building was closed and locked up. While standing there, I saw the castle on the top of the hill, and decided to go there.

I began texting N, asking her to come back to me. I climbed over a wall into the castle grounds, and walked up towards the perimiter wall, which drops down about 30 metres to the street below. I wanted to jump from there, so I sat on the edge and contemplated it. I started texting N again, telling her I was suicidal and that I could see her work. For some reason I started throwing coins off the edge. Some of them hit the cars down below. I lay on the thin wall and cried for sometime, perhaps half and hour or an hour. Eventally, very drunk and upset I rolled off the wall onto the inside and tried to huddle up from the wind, which was strong and cold. I lay there for several minutes, feeling broken, and failed again in my attempt to die. I decided to go towards the castle, and shelter from the wind.

When I got closer to the castle, I saw some objects around the doorway, some statues and potted plants. In my very odd state of mind, I decided that I wanted to be inside the castle, and I used the plant to smash in a single pane window on the outside door. Next, I climbed through the window and into the castle. I got to some automatic doors which were closed. After 5 or 10 minutes of trying to pull the doors apart, or damage them in some way, I noticed the switch on the door frame to open them. I proceeded inside the shop, and immediately set off the silent alarm. Once inside, I didn't know why I was there, or what I wanted to do. I walked around aimlessly for a few minutes. I then heard the police ariving. I lay down on the floor and began to cry.

Two policemen ran up to me, and held me down on the floor, and roughly handcuffed me behind my back. Handcuffs are more painful and uncomfortable than I had imagined them to be. I tried to tell them that I would not resist arrest, and asked them to be more gentle, and they eased off a little. They walked me out of the building and started asking me questions. Why did you do this? What were you trying to get in for? Have I ever been arrested before? I was stunned and shocked, and could only say that I didn't know why. I felt ashamed as I saw the disappointment and sadness that one of the arresting officers had in his eyes. He knew I wasn't the sort of person to break into somewhere, and couldn't understand why I had done it. They asked me what my job was, and how old I was. I tried to explain on the way to the police station what my state of mind was like, and that I hadn't intended to steal anything.

I was taken to the police station, and asked questions, my name, date of birth, address and so on. I had to sign lots of times to agree with things. I was given a leaflet explaining my rights, and asked if I wanted a solicitor, which I agreed to. They took all my posessions, listed them, and bagged them up. They also took my belt, and the shoelaces from my shoes. I was asked a few questions on what 'resuce remedy' was, which I had in my pocket.

I was taken to a cell and asked to wait there. Later they took my photograph, DNA sample, finger and palm prints, and tested me for class A drugs. I had not taken any drugs and the test came back negative. I signed more times to agree with the test results and so on.

I was then explained what would happen, and that I would have to give a statement later. I was shown to my cell and they let me try to sleep. The cell had light green, breeze block walls, and a steel green door with a small window. It was about 3 metres square, but with a high ceiling. There was a monitoring camera in the corner of the room and a call buzzer. At one end of the cell was a padded bench. I was given two blankets and a cup of tea and left alone. I could ring the buzzer if I needed to use the toilet. I was then locked up for the next 4 hours or so.

Around 8am, they brought around breakfast and tea. I accepted them, and they then left again. The breakfast (a microwave tray of sausages, beans, tomato and so on) turned my stomach and I couldn't eat it. I drank the tea and fell asleep again.

I was kept in the cell until lunchtime, sleeping on and off. I didn't know what time it is, and I couldn't see any natural light, so I felt disorientated. I had started to sober up, and realise how serious the sitation was. I became miserable and withdrawn, and huddled up on the bench in the blankets.

At lunchtime, I was brought a tuna pasta microwave meal. I ate it, but it was pretty revolting. Still, I was starving by that point, and would have eaten anything. They again shut me back up. Later, I rang the buzzer and asked to go to the toilet.

A couple of hours later I was told that they needed to take my prints. This confused me, since they had already done it when I was brought in. I started having my picture taken, and then explained to them that I had already had this done. On checking, someone had entered things incorrectly on the computer, so the apologised and sent me back to my cell. It occurred to me at this point that they might have forgotton about me, and that I had no idea how long they were allowed to hold me without charging me. Was it 24, 48 or 72 hours? I asked if I could speak to a solicitor, and they said someone would be with me soon.

An hour so later, I was very relieved to be told my solicitor was ready to speak to me. I went to discuss things with her in a private booth. It was like the ones you see on TV, with a pane of glass seperating the two people. She advised me that I would probably be able to have a caution, and that if I explained everything to the officer the same way as I had with her, that she would probably be understanding.

I was extremely nervous, as they took me to the interview room and loaded up 4 tapes to record the conversation. The office read me my rights. 'You have been arrested on suspicion of burglary. You do not have to say anything, but it may affect your defence if you withhold information that you later rely on in court'. Something similar to that anyhow.

I went over the night in detail, giving context on my previous suicide attempts. The female officer was kind and understanding. She asked me lots of questions on specifics, including on whether I was aware of the illegality of entering the grounds of the castle, and breaking and entering. I said I was, and tried to explain how I hadn't considered these in the horrible state of mind I was in. I managed to convince her that I had not intended to steal anything.

After the interview, she spoke to the duty sergeant. I stood their nervously as she tried to convince him that I should be cautioned rather than formally charged with an offence. He then spoke to me and confirmed that he would recommend this, on the condition that I agreed to pay for the repairs to the window. I had already offered to do this, and apologised for my actions. However he said, the council would have to agree to this, as their normal policy was to pursue prosecution. The female officer went to call the castle to try to get their agreement for this. The caretaker was unable to agree, and said that the council would have to decide on Monday. After discussion, the sergeant agreed that it would be ok to bail me until Tuesday, where I would return after a decision had made on whether to charge me, or offer me the conditional caution. He called my stepdad, and arranged for him to pick me up.

The sergeant spoke to me kindly, and said I was too young to be taking life so negatively, and that I had much ahead of me. He said that I will find my soulmate soon, and that she is out there. He took me to speak to a female officer, who asked about my relationship with N, and it made me feel good when I explained the situation, and she agreed that I had been treated unfairly. Again she used the phrase 'she wants it all, doesn't she'? That's a phrase I've heard a few times recently. She assured me that things would get better, that there are better girls out there. It felt good to have an attractive woman tell me that. So I immediately developed a huge crush on her :)

I then got my possessions back, and put my shoelaces back in. I had to sign to receive them, and to get my bail release. Soon my parents were there and gave me big hugs.

A few minutes later we exited the police station. I had never been so relieved to see the outside world, and the grey rainy sky. I felt truely free, and so amazed to see it again. At points during the night, it had felt like I would never see anything again but the cell walls.

My parents asked me to explain everything that had happened, and I talked things over in a low level of detail. We went back to their house, and agreed that they'd come over to mine and we'd have dinner. We agreed one of them would stay with me. Later, we ate and watched a Woody Allen movie, Manhattan, and started to nod off. They both decided I'd be ok, and went back home.

As of writing this, I feel well. I feel shocked and embarassed by my actions, and feel compelled to write apologies to the people who's lives I've made so difficult for the last 24 hours or so. And I feel surprised what I am capable of, in the right circumstances. It scares me.

I hope that from now on, things will only get better. I won't be talking to N for awhile. My stepdad called her and explained what had happened and that we wouldn't be speaking. She thought it was a good idea. In a few days, maybe I will talk to her, and explain what happened. Until then, I just need to try to get better.

What a night. Not one I will ever forget. Life can surely only get better from herein. God, I really hope it does.

Surge of Anger

I got a big surge of anger today when N complained about a status message I'd written on facebook. I was pissed off that she thought it was ok to decide what I am allowed to put about how I feel about her. It said something about me being upset that she was with another guy last night. And that was too much information on her sex life.

I told her to piss off, and that I wasn't going to do what she said anymore. I have really had enough of her and her endless excuses, and her phony caring. She pretends to care about my feelings, but if I complain about anything she does, she whinges about how I am trying to control her. And she keeps trying to tell me what to do.

I didn't want to talk to her today, but she insisted on me changing my message. So I wrote back to her and gave her some home truths, about how she manipulated me, took advantage of my state to start the relationship, and left when she was strong enough, and didn't need me anymore. And about how resentful she's been about my depression, despite her having the same problems.

I also told her to stop complaining about her marriage, because she did the same thing there, refused to take responsibility for her own actions, and the things that caused B to dislike and resent her. It is always someone else's fault, or some platitude about how she is a 'single mum' (half the time, when their Dad doesn't have them, and he would take them if he could whenever). Or it's because she has depression. Or it's because she is having a divorce. All excuses to get away with being mean and selfish, to me and other people. She thinks all her actions are justifiable, just because she was the one who did them.

I'm sick to death of it, and I don't want to talk to or see her. I don't need someone like that, and although I knew what she was like at the start, I didn't realise just how far she'd go to get her own way. I can do better. I deserve to be treated better than she has treated me, with the lies, the manipulation and the guilt trips, and I have faith that there is a nicer girl out there who wouldn't treat people like that to get their own way.

I hope she gets better, and starts to learn that not everything is about her. But right now, I wouldn't take her back if she paid me.

Super Bitch

I've had a really restless night, knowing that N is out on a date. And I know that she went home with him, for a simple reason, she didn't sign on to MSN. If she doesn't do that, she's busy. It doesn't matter how tired she was, she would have still come online. Old habits die hard. So I spent most of the night thinking about this, waking up every hour, destroying myself over and over. But she doesn't need to know this, so I will not tell her. I need to be ok, and the first step to being ok is to be outwardly ok. If I can control how I express my feelings (in this case, heartbreak, jealousy, anger) then I can learn how to deal with them better.

I do hope she is ok though. And I hope she doesn't wake up in the morning and go all cold like she was doing to me. Or maybe I'd rather she did, because then I'd know it wasn't just me she was like that with. I don't expect she'll tell me she's slept with him, and I won't ask. I do expect she'll still go on the date on Saturday with the other guy, and if she got the chance, sleep with him too. I guess I'd say 'go girl' on that count. Two guys in one week is pretty impressive. I hope she thinks that way, because thinking any other way involves some commitment to one of them really. Ouch.

And I'm actually ok with the sleeping with them. But I don't believe that she needs just that. She needs the emotional connection and the support too. She was like that with me, when we 'weren't' in a relationship, even though for all intents and purposes we acted like we were. And things change when you start seeing someone new, they influence you.

I console myself with ideas like I might be better looking, or better in bed, or more fun, or more interesting than him. I have to believe all of these things, or how else do I not feel a bit replaced and rejected? Something I have come to realise though is just how much I have become reliant on her opinions and feelings. She says this is my fault, and she's probably right. But that's a part of what love is.

I feel sick, and anxious and upset. I know these feelings will pass. But this is the worst breakup ever, even worse than S. She has totally crippled me emotionally, and I'm only just starting to rebuild my walls, which have been inappropriately low with everyone for weeks. I need to build up reserves of self-esteem again, because I used them all up trying to stay with her, and I lost all my self respect. Sleeping with someone else would really help right now. Especially if she was incredibly gorgeous, nice, or an ex girlfriend. A nice girl is what I need. And I really really thought that N was a nice girl. But it's pretty clear that she's not right now. She's anything but a nice girl at the moment. More like super bitch.

Trashed Hearts

The pain I thought I was beginning to find the end of was ramped up again today when N insisted on asking me whether I wanted to know about her dates or not. I was having a shitty morning, and after I heard about her now being attracted to the two guys that she wasn't previously attracted to, I completely lost my concentration and had to stop working. I have started to feel suicidal again. She says all this stuff about not wanting a relationship, but she will be in one by the end of the year. She gravitates towards people who look after her. And in this case the man has a daughter (something she has always wanted). He is nice to her, so she will try and make things work. She says she just wants company and fun, but she isn't that sort of girl. She has barely even started to become independent yet.

There is another guy as well, probably an equally caring one, who again, will look after her (he is cooking her dinner on Saturday). So, as much as she says she wants to look after herself, she loves the attention she gets from men.

I am sick of feeding her love and care, and getting nothing back but hurt. So I have to give up. She hurt me so much today, and I am sick of putting in and in and in and not receiving back in return. The poor guys are going to end up with their hearts trashed at the end of this. No one and nothing will stand in the way of what she wants at the moment.

I still feel like she is the one. And every time she takes a step away from me, I realise that even if she is my 'one', she will not see me that way. She will refuse to, however I treated her, and however well our relationship was going.

I was a convenience, a caring guy when she needed one. And she sucked it all out of me, and will begin to start on someone else now. She'll give at the start, until you love her. After that, things change.

All Things Come to An End

I am much more stable after talking through things with N. I apologised and we sort of made up. Things feel better than they did.

This afternoon I sent an email asking a lady called Ann what was happening with S. And then I had these weird feelings when she told me she had moved out from her husband's house, and they really were getting divorced. Something I wanted 6 months ago. And it was weird thinking that maybe she was still around.

It's hard thinking that two women in almost the same situation have had the same doubts about their divorce and broke up with me in similar ways in the same year. Both women I would have spent the rest of my life with, if they had let me.

I have had a lot of problems with things feeling like de je vu with N. It's not surprising really. I had a therapy appointment this afternoon, but I was late, so it was only half an hour. It still helped though.

I think I am getting better gradually. I am getting closer to the peace of mind I'm looking for. I hope when I do get there, the state will stay for at least awhile. I need new goals for life, and new ambitions. I hope I can come up with them again.

Ready To Die

I don't remember when things were this bad before. I really fucked everything up with N, when I told B that their first son wasn't an accident. And he told her I had told him, and she no longer trusts me at all. I feel like shit about this, and I can't ever fix it. Now he will always know, and she will always know I told him.

I am feeling suicidal and I am seriously considering that my life will never get any better than this. I keep screwing up over and over again. I am waste of space at the moment, and I don't think there is a lot I can do to change that.

I am ready to die. I don't want to go on living with her hating me. I can't.

Wakey Wakey

Again, I wake up at 5.15, worrying. For some reason today, things are different, and I actually worry about my breakup with E for awhile, thinking about how much that hurt, and realising that that was the time I first knew I wanted a family. Nothing ever would have happened between us, and although it hurt a lot, it is nothing compared to how much N has knocked me. But it's part of the puzzle I think. If I add all the broken hearts up, there are a lot.

First there was E. We'll call her Eliza.

Eliza was the first girl I had seen for sometime. She saw our relationship as a bit of fun, she was married and she fancied sleeping with me. We had a short affair and went to Amsterdam for a weekend. Her husband found out when she left her phone in the car, and he saw my texts to her. It hurt but it was good we broke up. I still feel bad for getting involved with her. It was bad for her and her family.

I started dating after that, I met a couple of girls. There was Sarah, who I went on a couple of dates with, and Erica. Sarah and I got on quite well and she seemed interested. But I thought she was a bit intense and neurotic (I mean, I am an intense person, but she was something else). It didn't go well after she kissed me, and I told her I had another date with someone else the next day... Yes, I know, that was royally stupid and hurtful.

Erica was different, very self assured and relaxed. We had been flirting a lot before we met, and when we met in a pub, we sat in the car park in the pub afterwards, and I told her I wanted her. We kissed. I (completely uncharacteristically) told her I wanted to sleep with her right now. There was a lot of tension, and she agreed. She drove her car home, got in my car and we went back to my place and had sex. Which was basically what our relationship consisted of, rough dirty sex, and lots of it. I started to get attached to her though, and once I asked her to be my girlfriend things went bad. She broke up with me after less than 24 hours, and things weren't the same after that. I got to close and she didn't want anything but sex from me. She went off with a guy with an Audi TT. That was settling for her - an Aston Martin would have been better. Shallow bitch.

Then there was CJ. I met her on match.com. She interiged me. I knew she was dangerous when I first met her, but I had a lot of self-esteem at the time. I thought I could dip my toe in and not get hurt. She started stripping on webcam on the first time we chatted. It freaked me out but I liked it. I guessed she was an escort, and she brought it up before we went out. Was it an issue? Not really, except for the sex thing at that time. It would become an issue later. We went out, and got on well. She was hot, really really hot, and I couldn't quite believe she was interested in me. She has a striking resembelance to Billie Piper. And so we had a meal just in a pub, and chatted. She confessed that she wanted to sleep with me. But not tonight, because she isn't a first date girl, she has standards. Which was ironic - the escort doesn't sleep with me on the first date, but my previous date does. So, that kind of made me more intrigued.

We dated for about 3 months. She expressed more and more love and care for me at the start. She lavished compilments on me, she would do anything for me, in or out of bed, she made me feel like I was an amazing lover and boyfriend. And I fell in love with her. That's when she started to break me.

There was the incident with the job first of all. Probably the single most painful thing a girl has done to me. She was going down on me, knelt on the floor for 5 minutes or so. Things were really heating up, and then her phone goes off. She lets go, and goes off to check the message. She has to call Lynn at the agency back (I guess she would be correctly referred to as CJ's pimp). The words she said next were something along the lines of, 'sorry love, I have a job. I've got to go.' I lay on the bed with my trousers round my ankles, wondering if there could be possibly anything more cruel or mortifying that a woman could ever do to me.

And I couldn't think of anything to say. I just said 'OK'. But she saw my face, and the utter look of hurt, and said she was sorry, and then she left.
I still haven't forgiven her for that. Money was more important than my feelings, and that was how our relationship continued. She used me, and pushed me off when she had enough.

I kept trying to compensate for how she was treating me, tried over and over to show how much I loved her, but she went completely cold. Some days she would hate me for no reason. Eventually I read her text messages to another guy, she was texting all the time. She didn't forgive me for that, and broke up with me. Then she went out with the guy she had been texting a few weeks later.

Then there was S. We'll call her Sam. Sam is already adequately covered by other posts. She helped reform my heart, won it , absolutely and completely, and then destoryed me completely. She built me up, and knocked me down for her pleasure and enjoyment. I don't think she ever thought consciously that she wanted to do that, but it was the result.

I let women push me around. The phrase 'pussy whipped' could have been applied to me in most of my relationships. I'd do anything for a girl I love, and a lot of them would happily exploit this fact. CJ actually treated me like a slave for a month or so - get that remote control for me, make me this, cook me that, take me here, etc etc. I put up with it because I loved her.

It' clear in the future that I need to be a lot more assertive in my relationships. But that needs self esteem. I am fine when my self-esteem is running high, but when it starts to sink, I start to flounder. Maybe things in the future will be different.

All About N

Most of the day I have felt very unhappy, but things picked up a bit thiss afternoon when I arranged to go to see my Aunt, Uncle and Cousins in Norwich tommorrow. I spent all day watching TV and feel a bit more able to face the world now. After feeling despondant about myself and N this morning, speaking to her again tonight helped, and it sounds like she was getting needy again today. She kept reasserting how she felt about me, and it sounds like she misses me. But I can't see her or speak to her much for awhile.

It's clear she is just going to hurt me with her mood swings and changes of mind. Plus the other guys on the scene, whom she keeps insisting she's not interested. There are 'several people she's attracted to' although she hasn't really specified them, and seemed to play things down today, and be feeling quite low.

I don't really want to interfere anymore, I want to spend the rest of the week freeing myself of the anxiety I feel about our relationship, and getting my life back. I need people who can support me at the moment. She seems to be quite sure today that she will want me back in the future, but tomorrow she will probably feel diferently. When she acts like this, she shows some of the traits which Carly had, where her opinion of me and herself would shift radically of me from one day, or hour to the next. It's very hard to deal with that.

She has some real problems, just like I do. I really hope she will seek help like I have asked her to. The way she is dealing with things at the moment isn't healthy, and I hope she will learn to be calmer with her feelings and more confident about her abilities.

She doesn't realise the power she has over men, and I don't think she knows how she acts after having a few drinks either. I guess she will just have to learn what that can lead to herself, but I hope she doesn't get hurt. She is naive, which is natural for someone who has been in a serious relationship between 16 and 22. She hasn't had a lot of sexual partners, and I hope that she is really careful about who chooses to sleep with, and what that will lead to. I really hope she doesn't get hurt because she takes on more than she can handle emotionally. But it's her life, and she needs to learn through her own experiences and mistakes.

Whatever happens, she'll always mean a lot to me. I hope I can start believing in myself again, and how I'll make it without her.

Dishonesty

I have started to feel that N is being dishonest with me about her feelings, and I know that the trust is gone between us. I need to let her go. I snooped on her conversations again on Saturday and confronted her about more of the stuff she had said, about going on a date on Wednesday and so on. I felt so shitty for the way I have not been trusting her, but I also know that there are good reasons not to trust her.

I'm pretty sure she has slept with one of the two guys she said she kissed before, and never told her husband or me. I also know that she is willing to flirt extremely sexually with a guy online, lead him on, and try to get him to meet her. She also has a date with a guy on Wednesday which she hadn't mentioned.

I don't know if she really loves me at all, but I know that she is unable to give me loyalty or faithfullness which are two really important things to me right now. I am very hurt, and the more I pursue her, the colder our relationship gets. I need to stop with the desperate clinging on, and let go, let myself move on. My actions are getting more and more horrible, and I don't like the person I am becoming, or the unnecessary pain I am inflicting on her.

I have deleted her from facebook, blocked her on MSN, and will be going away for a few days to try to clear my head. I hope a change of scenery and a break from it all will help me. Maybe within a couple of weeks the ant-depressants will stop making me more anxious and I can't start to act like a normal human being again. Right now, I have a sick anxious feeling almost all the time, I feel despondant, useless and tired. I don't know what to do to get myself out of this place I am in, but I really need to regain some self respect and stop acting like a puppy in love. She is a much harder woman than I consider her to be, and she will pursue her own interests, just like I need to do.

I am thinking of going to a place called Hay-on-Wye which is a booktown just across the Welsh border. But it's a very small place, and I don't want to get bored. I might need distraction as well as rest, and TV seems to be serving well in that regard today. I don't really know where, but I think a couple of nights away somewhere nice will really help.

Morning Wakeup Call

It hits 5.30 each morning and I wake up in a fit of anxiety. It has been like this for a couple of weeks now. I then begin to feel sick, and can't get back to sleep until I have resolved the problem in my head. Unfortunately, the problem in my head is the same as it always is. I need to get over her and move forward with my life. Maybe if I don't see her for awhile, I will stop hanging on her every word, every message or activity, and begin to see things with some perspective. She's just a girl. Maybe an exceptional, beautiful, wonderful girl, but still she doesn't define me.

Today I am going to have a lazy day and avoid talking to her. We'll see how well it goes. I hope I'll be able to get back to sleep by purging myself of this anxiety somewhat. I wish I could just push all the worry into a little jar and put the lid on, and be free again.

Bad Evening

This evening I was feeling very low. I spent the last two nights with N. When I left her's this evening the kids were there, and this seemed to trigger something in me.

I got out to the car and started crying. I wasn't ready to leave. So I went back in and tried to talk about it. She said 'you are expecting me to fix you'. But I wasn't, I just hate leaving. At the moment it triggers these horrible abandonment issues. For some reason leaving her and the kids was worse. I think I have a lot of issues regarding how involved I have got with them, without feeling any security in the relationship anymore, so I feel sort of like I am losing a family, not just a girlfriend.

I don't suppose N thinks that much about it anymore, she is moving on at rapid pace, and I am still a week behind. She wants to see other guys, it is obvious, and she doesn't tell me, but she is bored of me. I want to see her, and when she doesn't seem interested in me anymore I want to run away and hide in a dark hole.

So I decided a few days ago that I needed to get away to clear my head and see some new surroundings. I am interested in going to Hay-on-Wye which is a little town in Wales they call a book town. Lots of bookstores and countryside to walk in, which seems ideal.

I had sex with N last night. The sex was really good, but it felt a bit cold afterwards. She has felt cold to me recently. I think soon she will tell me what is really happening. But I need to be prepared to hear that she doesn't love me or want me back. I don't know if either of those are true, but I need to be able to take them.

I keep falling apart when I see her. I went through her MSN conversations again last night and confronted her about some stuff. It wasn't good, and she didn't react well. I promised I would never snoop again and I really meant it. I feel shitty for doing it, and it seems to be down to the almost constant stress and anxiety I seem to be feeling at the moment.

It was painful reading her conversations to the potato farmer about sex, and some of the hurtful things she said about me in it. I believed her partly when she said she didn't really mean it, but I know she is being nicer to me than she really feels. I think if she doesn't already resent and hate me then she will soon.

I have lost all faith in her wanting me back. I don't give her what she wants and needs without strings, and she is not interested in compromising her needs for anyone right now. And I need looking after. She can't do that for me, so I will either need to learn to look after myself, or fall onto a passing stranger. I think the first is really the only option.

I am beginning to believe that there are women out there who wouldn't mess me around, and want to sleep with other guys, and would really want me for me, rather than someone they thought I was. Women who would just hug me when I needed it and show me love, without feeling like I was violating their freedom somehow. I don't really ask a lot, but faithfulness and loyalty are important to me. Maybe one day I can have those from N. But I don't know when that will be, if ever. I need to start letting her go. She's writhing to break free of me.

I still hope she will come back to me. But I don't think I can put my faith and future plans in that basket anymore. It could break me even more. I need to get well and enjoy the person I am, with her or without her. And I need time to myself to do that.