Blues run the game

I write some more. I am starting to feel very low, and I am getting worried about the future again. Although, I penned some more of the writing which I started in April last year. The story of everything that's happened to me.

aI feel massively pretentious sometimes when I write. Like what I have to say is meaningless. A pointless allegory, which no one besides me would want to read. A mystery with no story. If that is true though, perhaps the writing itself still provides a helpful form of therapy. A sort of open way of purging my sins.

I am beginning to realise that I still have unhealthy expectations of myself. Of my fitness levels, my eating habits, my work, my ambitions. I feel like I am working towards things, seeing life in a future context all of the time. I feel guilty and anxious, devoid of meaning in my life right now.

I wonder if I should tell R. But it just feels wrong to put my concerns on her. She struggles with confidence herself, and I don't want to worry her. So, I don't.

I long to have some social contact, to see some friends, have some fun. But I don't feel like I can reach out to anyone. I feel alienated again, detached. I wonder how I put myself in this situation again. I feel desperately lonely, but unable to find anyone I trust to be a close friend anymore. I push everyone away, or they drift away. I don't know which.

I feel like years could melt one into the other, with nothing but working, eating, sleeping and exercising being my life. I am a slave to pointless ambitions, to social convention, to what I feel I ought, I should, I must be doing. I don't know if this is what I want, or not. What I love, or loathe. I curse the world, the superficiality I hate, the people in this city.

I feel like I want to move, but wonder if I would be any happier anywhere else. It brings an old song to mind. Blues run the game.

I want R to be here, to find a job, and live with me down here. But I wonder if I just want to companionship. I think maybe that is more important than anything right now. That I have her companionship, that I feel wanted and trusted and loved. And I begin to realise that I love her in a different way than anyone before. But it scares me. There are things that might not work, and all I can do to her is promise that it will all be ok. But will it be ok? Am I kidding her and myself? Is this really right? All I can think of is how much I would miss her if she wasn't around. So I know I want her always to be around. I trust her. More than I have ever trusted a girl. I don't know how it has come around so quickly, but she is more honourable, caring, trustworthy and reliable than anyone else. I wish it felt like enough.

I seem to crave excitement, danger. I seem to want to make things dangerous, if my life is too quiet. I think of passionate affairs. Sex, rock and roll, political activism, starting a business, becoming someone special. I seem to crave this attention from somewhere. I don't know why I can't just be happy with what I have. But I'm impatient, restless, and looking for something to teach me, something to give me meaning. I hope I can find it.

Try Not to Bite

I haven't written for months. I've left out months of a relationship with a new girl, progress on OU courses, and my improved relationship with working life. It all comes down to a certain American girl contacting me again though. It made me think of writing. I sometimes get the feeling that I am being manipulated. It's like temptation, tempestuous, conflicting emotions and happy mixed with painful memories. When an ex starts telling you that you were the best sex she ever had, and that she'd love you to join a threesome with her and another girl, (if she was ever in England), I feel like perhaps I'm being played a little. If anyone can do it, wants to feel wanted, and has that hold over me, it's her. I guess I just try not to be too taken in by it.

I hear that huge sex drive is a big symptom of bi-polar disorder, as is the ability to lie compulsively, and so on. I think I should be more cautious than I have been in the past.

Once More Into the Breach Dear Friends

If it were possible not to treat work as a constant battle of will against my own desires and judgements, then I would have done it by now I'm sure.

My eyes are barely open, and I am still waiting on my computer to restart so I can finish off the server repair I was working on today. I feel exhausted, and on a different planet. If I were a sim, I'd be screaming at the screen for the deity who was controlling me to let me have some fun social time. And lots of sex. If only. I feel like a wreck. I need a night out, and some serious selfish relaxation time so I'll stop feeling so miserable. And I need to finish the things I'm working on, get out of the endless loop of procrastination, and stop things weighing on my mind.

Time to pass out. Maybe things won't seem so difficult tomorrow. God I hope so.

A Week of Disappointment

I'm feeling a little too emotional tonight. I almost cried for the first time in a long while. A girl I'd been getting to know online and arranged a date with on Saturday told me she had started seeing someone else and it made me really sad. She was sweet about things, and we are going to be friends and see how it goes with this guy, but I felt really disappointed. I haven't even met her yet, I just had good feelings.

I felt happy two of my friends have had babies today, and that was quite exciting. But then it made me broody, and coupled with the rejection today, getting turned down for a date earlier in the week, and having my party attended by only 3 or 4 people who weren't family, on top of S not talking to me, I'm feeling pretty low. Then add on top of that, work stress, and a £1200 mobile bill I ran up accidentally last month. Talking to the managers about that wasn't fun.

To be honest I'm doing ok at not letting it get to me. I had therapy today and I didn't even think to talk about all the disappointments I've had in the last week. We brought up interesting stuff about my communication, and the way I talk. I felt like I got to the bottom of a new part of myself, and I know that's something I don't feel very often.

On the other hand, my music does seem to be going well, and I am writing songs and riffs a lot, although not usually finishing them. A song I wrote earlier last week I really like, and it needs some work, but I think I can get a recording finished fairly soon. Today I was playing around with hammond sounds, and I wrote another song. It was fun :)

I feel like I am in a bit of a rut, and I think I've been neglecting my social life the last few weeks, so I'm going to try to be a bit more sociable and do some things this weekend. Life is for living, and I need to start enjoying myself a bit more instead of moping around the house. I hope I manage to give myself the boost I need. I need some sort of boost to self esteem, so hopefully something will give me that kick I need in the next few days.

A Year On

Well, the anniversary of my 'near death' experience came and passed without a hitch. I threw a party, which sadly only about 3 people came to, despite me inviting about 50. I felt upset at the time, but I understand why people didn't want to come. I had a good time anyway though, and it was nice to see old friends (who seem to be the only people who don't know what the party was signifying).

S disappeared again. She says she's going through the legal stuff with Rob and doesn't want to have anyone influencing her right now, whilst she's going through the divorce. She told me not to take it personally, but really, how can I not? I initially got upset, but realised it really wouldn't help, so I am giving her some space. I've sent her a couple of emails telling her what's happening, and asking how she is, but she's not replied.

I'd been chatting to a girl for awhile, A, who I was getting on really well with. She decided to drive up from Hereford yesterday to come see me. So I was excited and spent the next hour and a half (this was how much notice she gave me) cleaning so that I wouldn't look like a total slob. Anyway, we were chatting and getting on well, had a bit of a debate about dance music. She says she's going for a cigarette, and goes downstairs. Next thing I know, she has got in her car and left. She swears it was nothing I said or did, and it was how she was feeling about her ex. But really - how to I attract these sort of women? She even lied initially and said her Dad had texted her and it was urgent. I don't bite - she could have just said she wasn't interested, but been friendly about it. I felt quite incensed because of how rude she was about it. I felt hurt all afternoon, and had to take a nap to sleep things off. This morning things feel better, although it did seem to really damage my self-esteem. I hope she is ok, she doesn't seem to want to respond to me, and I guess I didn't want to be pushy while I was upset in case I made it worse.

I think I'm going to go back to sleep now. I am still having trouble waking up in the early hours full of anxious thoughts, and unable to get back to sleep. For some reason eating something seems to help. I'm worried about it, but I don't really want to get sleeping tablets from the doctor, and I have the time to sleep in a few days a week, so I get along OK that way I guess.

I am feeling pretty rubbish about myself right now, I think I need to go easy on myself for awhile until I get some confidence back.

Vassals In A Castle

An interesting few days. Me and B finally broke it off on Saturday, and I feel less stressed about the situation now. We never really hit it off that well as a relationship, we're two very different people. I feel bad at the time, but it was mutual, and I was ok the next day. I miss having someone to talk about things with, but she never really let me in very much. It wasn't going anywhere good.

Then I met up with A again on Sunday, went out for lunch which was nice. I am pretty sure we'll just be friends, there has never been any chemistry there really. I've been talking to S a lot. I want to hope for something to take off between us again. But there's so many risks, and I'm not really ready to take a big chance. I would offer to pay for her plane ticket over. But she has to come here, and take that risk. There's no way I can let myself do it another way.

I had a relaxing day at work today with no real hassle, and I finished early to go to an appointment with C. I haven't seen him for a long while. I got the feeling he wasn't interested, but he was really nice today when I got there. He made quite a few suggestions on how to help me sleep. Which I hope will work..

Miss Fiance

In a weird twist of things, who was to show up on my birthday but miss ex fiance, S. We've been chatting a little. I still don't know what is off topic and what's not. And she's very cagey. I wonder how long she'll keep talking to me. I wonder a lot of things.

B put on Savage Garden in the car the other day. It's weird that. Then she reappears. Life is strange.

Very strange.

Assert Yourself

I am torn between thinking I'm being unfair, and thinking I have a point with B's behaviour. On Thursday she must have been one of the few girls who would say no to sex on a guy's birthday, and the next morning.

She's gone to a burlesque night in Sheffield, to stay with a couple she has been sleeping with regularly. To say I am a little worried about this is an understatement, but as much as she reassures me, I think she could lie pretty easily and get away with it here. I don't know how to get over these paranoid feelings. To be honest, I feel like if I ask her straight out she'll probably tell me, and even if she lies I'll be able to tell whether she did sleep with them.

But then, do I really want to know, so I can be depressed again about another girl hurting me, and ignoring my feelings. On Monday or Tuesday I got quite upset with her and told her how I was feeling, and she tried to get me to chill out and things. I think I am ok most of the time, but then I'll work myself up into some panic attack about some little things that happen and get really scared again. But that's just me. I need to be less insecure, and stop letting people feed off my generosity or helpfulness. It's not a good trait. Not having seen R for a couple of weeks hasn't helped. I need a big confidence boost somehow and I'm currently wondering how to get that.

I've finally been firm with myself tonight and decided that letting her damage my self-esteem isn't doing me any good, and the best thing to do is tell her how it is, and if she can't deal with it, to stop seeing her. If she isn't ready to let me in, then we'll just have to depart. Lots of things have been bugging me about her, so I need to assert myself for a change. I'll feel better about myself either way.

Hit Like a Meteor

The last few days have been awful. It started with B going away for the weekend. I went out with N on Friday which went fine. Then Saturday my friend got my arty date wrong by a month, and showed up with a birthday cake - which was really sweet but funny. Anyhow, things would have been ok except B was so hot and cold about replying to texts. She seems so disinterested it's untrue. I thin she's just thinking about her trip to Sheffield next weekend. So, we ended up having sex, and she wanted me to take her home pretty much straight after. I've been taking her back and forth the last two weeks, and it's an hour round trip, which I'm getting pretty sick of.

I am giving her another week to see what she wants, because I am feeling less and less appreciated each day. Its my birthday on Thursday. We'll see what happens then - I guess that's a god indicator of how much she cares. If she can't make a fuss of me on that day, then she's probably never going to.

And then, she gets to talk to her strange lovers at the weekend. I think I'll just leave her to it, and ask her straight out if she slept with them or not. She doesn't seem to lie much. I expect she will sleep with them. And if she does, then I know it's time to call things off. I am already getting annoyed and upset about how she's treating me, and have been giving her so much leeway. Well, she has one more week, until next Friday (I guess that's a week and a half really.) We'll see what happens.

I feel so depressed today, I haven't felt like this in weeks. I know that I have been ignoring my feelings again, and this is not a good sign.

Discombulated Was So Last Week

It's been awhile since I've written. I think because a lot of my emotions are coming out in songs recently, and I feel really good about that. It's been really productive with writing some good material recently. The recording isn't going so well, I think because I'm very inexperienced in doing that by myself at the moment. But I got a midi controller keyboard, so I can finally add some other instruments and drum tracks more easily.

I am really excited about the music, and thinking about getting singing lessons to help with my vocal technique and try to develop that a bit. It's something I'd like to feel more confident about. The guitar playing is gradually improving though I think, and the new guitar is so awesome. I still look at it like Kate Bekinsale is standing naked in front of me. It's a thing of beauty and I respect it too much to put it down for very long.

Things in love are interesting. Things with B went down a little last week, I got a bit upset and she got distant, but it was that time of the month, and this weekend has been nice. She seems to have backed off a little, and I'm not really sure why. I am sort of under the impression that she's testing me. But, she gave me a surprise by letting me meet her parents yesterday. They seems really nice. I like her mum, she's quite modest and caring I think. It seems they like me too :)

I am going to spring meeting my parents on her...perhaps I'll go round and see them for the first time since Christmas...

A girl I've been chatting to and really liked was pretty harsh to me today when I told her I liked men. Then the rest of the day she was in between apologising and chastising me. She seems a bit unstable. I was sort of romantically interested, and although me and Bex are getting on well, we aren't exclusive yet, and so I was open to the idea of meeting someone. she also has a lot in common with me. Sadly it seems one of those things is flair for drama, and emotional disregulation.

I really need someone a little more down to earth and stable right now. I think that's why I feel B is so good for me. So yeah, this girl K is exciting and fun, but she's so interested in me so quickly, and very fickle with her affections, even across the length of a day. I'll see what she's like tomorrow.

Better Days

Things are still going great with B. We had a wonderful weekend, and I just chilled out with her most of the time. I feel comfortable just relaxing with her, and having her around, and I feel like she really mellows me out. She helps me with my tendency to stress out about things, she's like the best stress reliever I've ever had. Calm, relaxed and chilled. I like her so much. The other day I told her I loved her. She didn't really take me seriously, but she wasn't upset or annoyed. But I meant it when I said it. Later I thought about it and I guess I'm not really sure how I feel. But I deeply care about her already, and I feel so close to her, and comfortable with her. She feels more perfect for me than any other girl I've been with...like someone I love to spend time with, and can't ever see myself not getting on with her most of the time.

Anyhow, I've been starting a couple of OU courses, and I feel fairly confident I can do them. I struggled with some of the maths to start off with, but I'm picking it up ok now, and remembering my GCSE work and what I did way back then. I feel glad I am improving my skills quickly already. The other course is in database theory and practice. It's a tough level 3 course, but hopefully my background will help with that.

I have been getting some material down, and feeling good about my music. The new guitar just feels more and more fantastic, and it records so well. I feel confident about getting a few tracks down for a demo, and have lots of ideas for songs to put in a set. I feel better than I've felt for a long time about it.

I miss B, I wish I could snuggle with her now.. :)

These are better days...

All Good Things

I am having trouble sleeping, because my ear has got blocked and it's now bothering me a lot. The ear drops just made it worse sadly.

I spoke to B about my concerns and she seemed ok with how I felt, and what was happening. She said she was being especially cautious because of how she thinks I am the heart on the sleeve type and she wants to be sure she knows what she wants, so she doesn't hurt me, or get hurt. I made some guesses as to what was happening, and she seemed really open and honest about things.

It's weird, it feels like I've known her a long time, but it's not even been two weeks. It feels slightly crazy that things are going so fast, but have been genuinely getting on really well. So I have tried to pull my heart back a bit, and start being more friendly, and less lovey dovey. That seems to have helped. She wants to spend all weekend here, and I was really excited about that.

I saw A for the first time in over a month last night. It was nice to see him and catch up. We don't see enough of each other lately. He does seem very busy with his girfriend in London, and the long commute to his job every day.

I am getting on well with N, and I don't feel resentful or hurt about her new relationship. I want her to be happy, and I feel upset that she's depressed and hypersensitive about being abandoned again. If I was psychoanalysing I'd say she has the same issue about men as I have about women. I hope he has lots of patience and can be there for her while she sorts herself out. She dwells and enjoys the drama quite a bit, so I guess he has to be able to take those ups and downs and let things settle, as does she.

Thankfully, she does seem to be starting to get over B now. I guess that's something. I want to go swimming with her later in the week - hopefully she'll be ok with that but I haven't spoken to her for a couple of days. I think encouraging her to exercise will help boost her self confidence, and it'll give me a reason to travel to a decent swimming pool, since the one in the gym is tiny.

New Girl

It's been awhile since I wrote. So, since I last put anything in here, I've met a nice girl whom I really like, B...we've been on a few dates, and she's stayed over three nights I think in the last week or so.

It's going pretty fast - 'too fast' she said. So I have to try to slow myself down. And I do the usual thing I do when I am stepping into a new relationship - make myself too emotionally and physically available. I need to learn how to play hard to get, because otherwise I really feel I won't keep her. Uncertainty drives passion, and she doesn't know me well enough to know either way yet whether she really wants to be with me.

Anyhow, I just realised that after I said she could chat to me any time, and she said 'I know.' I think I need to learn to be chased a bit more. And be surprising. I need to be coy. I hope I still have enough time to reverse things a bit, and feel in control again.

I do start to feel the fear of abandonment. But I know relationships are full of games. I wish I knew why they always have to be played. Maybe I just need to know how to play the games better.

Love and Hope

I've learnt a lot about myself in the past few days. I spent £200 on a woman I barely knew, she stole £10 from me yesterday morning, and wouldn't leave me alone. I practically had to kick her out my house as she latched onto me immediately. It was not a good situation, and she was not a nice person, and I realised that there are limits to what I will put up with from people. I felt justified, and felt like I had been the best person I could have been in the situation.

I made a lot of effort to see that she was safe, I called the women's aid and put her in contact with them, had her door repaired and gave her as much advice as I could. She didn't respect my feelings, or listen to my requests, and asked for more and more.

I am forgetting about her as quickly as I can. In the future I shall be trusting strangers a lot less, and being less open with my feelings until I recognise I can really trust them.

Today I cried when President Obama was inaugurated. I felt so happy, about Bush going, and about the things he said in his speech. I felt genuine hope, and faith that someone who is intelligent and principled has been put in that position. I believe he'll bring real change if he wants to, because he seems to genuinely have the integrity and will it takes. I hope he follows through with his promises.

Later I told N I loved her again. I told her I want her to be happy with G though, who she has just entered into a real relationship with. I do want her to be happy. I am cut up and torn apart by it though. I guess I feel better about things than I have for a long time. But I feel like I am less of a man than him. I feel inferior.

I guess I just have to keep trying to move on, keep searching for the meaning, and someone to trust with my heart. Someone who's really the one I can be with.

In the meantime, I plan to have sexual relations with whoever passes my way. I think I have earned the privilege of some guilt free sex for awhile. I don't want to hurt anyone, just have some fun.

I keep thinking about the tattoo I am planning to get. I need a design to take to a tattoo artist. I really want to go ahead with it. I feel like it will be a mark of who I am, and what I have been through and survived.

Women's Refuge

I feel tonight I have been way too nice to an almost complete stranger, who's now sleeping in my bed. I feel slightly like a women's refuge shelter. It's a weird situation I put myself into. I am glad she feels safe, but I have learnt a lot about myself in the process. I shouldn't have let her come on to me, I shouldn't have kissed her, I shouldn't have started to have sex with her. I am sure most of what I did tonight was wrong, and I feel a little manipulated. But now I am on the sofa, and I have asserted myself, and that's good enough. I hope I have a new friend at least, but I'm not holding my breath with how she'll act tomorrow.

Stranger

I feel a bit like a stranger today, like I am looking at myself in a different light.

I was speaking to S about things yesterday, and about she felt about me and vice versa, and how she is since going back to Greece, and I couldn't work out why she was upset with me. Like I completely couldn't recall it.

And she left, and I sent her an email asking what is was about. And then she replied today and told me all the hurtful things I had said about her on here and online. Then I read back on what I put, and I couldn't believe how venomous I'd been, and where all the anger and negativity had come from. It was scary to think I could have forgotten feeling that way, or had that sort of crazy love/hate splitting about her.

It was two weeks ago, and I have been abroad and seen lots of different people since then, but I don't quite understand why I was that upset with her. It's scary, and I am worried for my sanity.

I felt pretty productive at work today, then my parents came round for dinner, and it was nice to see them and chat to them. I think I may stop drinking for awhile. I seem to get quite angry and emotional sometimes when I've had a few drinks (not a huge amount, maybe half a bottle of wine). That seems to be when I get so strange and react so dramatically to rejection. I need to chill out and take things one step at a time. I don't know how to start becoming a more mellow, less irritable person though. I seem to have a big bitterness issue, like I have been wronged, and I can't get past it. I hope I start to feel better about things soon.

On the brightside, I feel my relationships with women are starting to improve. Hanging around all those girls for the last couple of weeks does seem to have helped me in some way. I actually had an emotive conversation with N today without it ending in an argument. Which is new.

Oops...

I forgot my key target:

Have more fun!

Targets for This Year

Get myself a life affirming tattoo in recognition of being alive.
Write an album worth of songs and record them.
Start gigging again.
Keep fit and start being happy with doing enough, and not having to be an amazing athlete.
Stay active and keep enjoying that.
Get some inspiration back in my work.
Plan my next holiday.
Plan a fantastic life-affirming party.
Make some new friends.
Find a relationship with someone I can trust.
Look into my new interests further and see where they might lead me.
Stop worrying about my 'manliness'.
Stop worrying about who I am and accept people for who they are.
Stop thinking about everything in fatalistic ways and learn to relax.
Chill out on my emotional intensity.
Achieve some more professional/academic qualifications.


So, a couple of goals there...

Dum vita est, spes est

In an ode to existential crisis, of which I seem to have been in for three months:



Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams.
For if dreams go,
Life is a barren field
Covered with snow.

Langston Hughes

Home is where the heart is. I suppose.

I am back in the UK after some very enjoyable time in New Jersey. E was a wonderful friend, and just how I remember her - kind, caring and funny. I had a lot of fun with her and her girlfriend M, who is pretty dry and sarcastic. She's kind too though. I think I have made a few new friends and I feel really glad I went to see them. I enjoyed seeing NYC again, and I really liked where they lived in Jersey City. I didn't want to leave, I was beginning to feel very at home, and happy with the people I was with.

So, on Thursday night I went out for pizza with the girls, and we were meant to go for a drink after, but E wasn't feeling well (it turned out she has the flu). I decided (maybe two beers talking) that I was fine going to this bar by myself, which was pretty much a gay bar. Yes, for the first time, by myself. What was I thinking?

After a vacuous, self-absorbed stereotype named Ronan tried to chat me up, bought me drinks and went on about designer clothes for an hour (I really thought they were actually filming Ugly Betty), my night wasn't going too great. It took the bartender, a girl in the bar, me giving him my email address, and disappearing to the toilet to get him to leave me alone. Seriously. No wonder straight guys are scared of gay men. Jesus.

Anyway, I made friends with this hot black girl called Hazel who was there with her boyfriend. She was bi, but sadly her boyfriend wasn't. He was hot. Anyhow, the bartender bought me a couple of Jameson's after that to 'make up' for my bad experience, and then I was being fed beer for the rest of the night. I was really drunk by this point, got talking to a Chinese guy called A. I basically asked him to come back to my hotel with me. Oh man.

Anyway, I kind of wish I hadn't hit on someone when I was drunk. He wasn't very attractive at all. Agghhh. But once we got back, I was pretty forward, to say the least. I've never been that forward with a girl before. My god. Anyway, I was pretty much dirty as hell, and then basically wanted him to leave afterwards. He was totally selfish, and didn't really give me a lot in return...

So...I had my first sexual experience with a man. The kissing freaked me out a bit. Feeling someone's stubble against me felt odd and not very affectionate. Is it really a good idea to write it on my blog? Oh man. Still...it put me off a bit. So much so that I didn't flirt with this guy J who came round the next day and was one of E's friends. He was actually good looking and fun. Still, not to be too hard on A. It was totally my own doing. The next day I felt hyper hetrosexual and really wanted to be with a girl. So yeah, wrong time for J. I kind of wish I'd met him the previous night.

The good thing is, I feel a lot less scared of the idea now. I am ok with being attracted to men in a sexual way, and I don't feel the need to develop it any more. Maybe I'll start feeling less uncomfortable about male friendships again now. I pretty much realised I am having a big issue with my masculinity. I think some of that might be to do with being uncomfortable with myself and who I am emotionally and sexually. I need to learn to deal with it, and stop giving a fuck if people think I am acting 'gay' or whatever. This new attitude seems to have helped me markedly, and I do feel more in control for some reason.


Oh god, I do still love N. I am feeling a little disheartened though because today she asked how I felt about teaching her the guitar. I replied and said ok, asked a few questions, etc, which she didn't reply to. This was about 12.30-1pm. Then I sent her another text at 9.30 or so asking her why she never replies to texts, and saying I'd teach her if she set up a standing order to pay back the money she owes me.

She immediately replied and asked me to call her. I called her 10 mins later after I had put the shopping away, and she said she hadn't written back because she'd been driving for 7 hours back from Scotland. She said she had left at 3 though, so she had time.

Still, I give her the benefit of the doubt, even though she usually never replies to my texts (I think mainly because she doesn't like spending money texting me unless it's for something she wants). So, pretty soon she says she has to go, and I say I will speak to her online, and unblock her after I have eaten. She doesn't log in though, and a text from me later receives no response.

So there we go, once she has what she wants, away she is gone again. Or perhaps asleep, if I give her more benefit of the doubt. I wonder why I bother. I probably should just tell her I don't want to see her, because I feel like if I hadn't sent her the flowers and chocolates and things on her birthday and told her I loved her, she wouldn't feel like she could ask something of me. I do care about her, and I like spending time with her, but I feel like she tries to get things out of me, and it's about what she wants rather than actually just spending time with me. I wish she'd try to understand my feelings a bit more, and understand things from my point of view.

Anyway, as it turns out G, the guy she was into, she's suddenly not into anymore. He told her he didn't want to see her anymore, because apparently he wasn't ok with sharing her with other guys after all. Surprise, surprise. I think if she honestly wants to find a guy who is ok with that, then it will have to be just sex, or a guy who is genuinely not very nice.

What sort of nice guy is really ok with that? He was saying it because it was what she needed, and he hoped she'd choose to be with him if he gave her time. A couple of months seems long enough to be honest! I think he did well to put up with it for as long as he did.

However, she's already found a couple of guys to replace him - L and a guy from Northampton. L seems like another nice bloke. I wish she'd either just pick one guy to go out with, or start dating nasty blokes. It's so unfair to hurt the guys who really don't deserve it. She's not being fair at all. Just pick someone N, and give them a chance instead of treating them like rental videos that you can take out all at once, and take back one at a time once the cost gets too high. Some of them she probably takes back without even watching them. She doesn't seem to have any idea what she wants.

But still, I love her. And still I wish she'd pick me. I have so much to offer. I guess she's never really seen that though.

I have had a flood of interest from match.com recently, actually lots of really attractive girls have been winking at me and sending me messages, and I think I ought to be able to move on. But the one girl I was really into, A, just told me today she's got back together with her ex-boyfriend. Great.

At least she was nice enough to be really honest with me about it. Which is good. And I was nice back, and polite. Although to be honest, I was a bit upset. Still, there are other fish in the sea (or so I am told). She was probably too nice for me anyway. It does feel like once I start to get close to girls and open up though, they run a mile. I hadn't got so far as telling her much about myself though. I just felt like I could trust her, or learn to trust her, which is a hard thing for me to get to with most women.

Diminished By Internal Weakness

Well, I've been in Boston for a couple of enjoyable days, and am currently waiting for a flight to Newark, New Jersey where my friend E is going to meet me at the airport. It's an hour late or so, but I think I just saw the plane taxiing in.

I've come to realise the last few days that I still very much love N, and I keep trying to replace her, but it's not working and no one will be her. I wish to god (whom I don't believe in) that things had been different. Her blog says 'I am not into him' in one of her recent entries. It reminds me of something N's friend (the other N) said a few days ago. We 'don't like men who are diminished by internal or external weakness'. She meant she wanted marines, but in this case, I am definitely 'diminished by internal weakness'. It's a big killer for attraction I think. She might be a complete bitch, but she's right none the less.

I could give her what she needs and wants if she let me. Still, I am 3000 miles away. I'll see what happens in a few months. Maybe I'll stop loving her. God, I hope so. There goes my call for the flight. Time to head off somewhere new and exciting. What will the next few days hold? Things never cease to be interesting...

Tough Day

Last night caused some problems - new year's eve is generally a bad night for me every year. This year was no exception. There was huge amounts of tension all day because N was really worked up about the girl she was into. I was being as supportive as I could be, even though I felt massively arkward about it. I felt like she was ashamed of her past with me, so I wasn't allowed to mention how I knew her. When L asked me, I just gave vague answer about meeting on the internet. J seemed to think N was being a bit silly about the whole thing. Why she can't just like 'her for her' is a mystery to everyone. Everything felt forced like a huge worked up job, rather than a fun night.

I am feeling a little left out of the whole gay thing - N has this weird attitude about it, like nearly all girls are gay, and she can get whatever she wants. I don't mind either way, it just feels like I'm being given a hard time for being her ex. Whatever, I don't feel ashamed of my past. If she does, it's her issue.

That aside we all were having a great time after leaving L's and going to see some bands at a club. We all had a lot to drink and I was perhaps a little over zealous in supplying alcohol to everyone. It was all good fun and I am glad I got out of L's house. No one seemed to have the faintest clue that it was obviously weird for me, having N court a girl in front of me. I was happy to swallow my pride and try to be a friend, but obviously being in the situation was weirder than I imagined it to be.

Later I thought S was hitting at me at the club, she was posing in very sexy ways for the photos I took, dancing and flirting, touching me in affectionate ways, and making sure I saw her coming onto guys and things. I was ok with this, but I basically ignored her affections because I knew she was drunk and wasn't really interested in me. Later she denied that she was coming on to me at all. Ok, that could be true, and I was happy to assume that she wasn't, and I was mistaken. However, when the facebook pics went up, she was suddenly really upset about it. I don't know why. She has some story about B and N being able to see them. I think the real issue is that she looks pretty damn flirty in the pics. Earlier that evening, she had basically said that she was perfectly happy to have flirty pics of her and me go up on facebook and have N and B see them. Obviously not today.

I flirted a lot with most of the girls at some point. For some reason I am being given a hard time about this today, when yesterday it was perfectly fine. I think S being upset about things has changed a lot.

What all went wrong is when I started crying last night. I didn't want to have S talk to me about it, I just wanted to be left alone, but she kept pushing and pushing me. I was crying in the bathroom - I had locked the door because I was using the toilet. As I was about to come out, I got upset and started crying. Mainly because of all the confusing feelings I had been dealing with the whole day, and the difficulty I was having with them.

Not only did I have issues because I thought S was hitting on me in the club, but I had a couple hit on me. Yes, a girl started flirting with me, and I thought she was hot, then suddenly this guy shows up, and asks me if I thought she was attractive, and I say 'yes'. Then he starts telling me they both want to go home with me. I let him buy me a drink and then ran away sharpish when I realised there was no way I could deal with the situation. I felt pretty weird by that point, and entirely confused about the sexual signals from everyone. I apparently hit on all the girls that night, although I saw it as flirting, and certainly said nothing particularly to that regard.

After I got upset last night, S had an argument with me and started giving me a hard time about getting upset. I felt like I was being attacked for making her feel guilty, and that hurt more. I kept telling her to leave me alone over and over, and that I would be fine, and she kept pushing. I told her she was making it about her - she was - she took personal offence at me being upset. There was so much drama though - endless drama about J too, who had gone back into the club as we were leaving to find a guy she'd been eyeing up. As it turned out, she had lost her phone, so no one could get hold of her.

I think S being worried about me crying on top of that situation made things a lot worse for her. But I kept telling her over and over that I wasn't blaming her for anything, and it had just been an emotional night for me. It didn't seem to get through though, and we argued to the point where I said I would leave tomorrow. She said she wanted me out the house. God knows how it got to that from me being upset - I accused her of absolutely nothing and was accepting responsibility for the way I was feeling and my actions.

At some point I called N and apparently professed my love to her. It was certainly in a platonic way because I remember calling her because I was worried about her, and she didn't listen to the whole message before deleting it. But since I can't actually remember what I said, it's hard to know to be honest. What annoyed me though was that when she showed up this morning, she announced to the whole house what I had said, rather than discussing it with me one to one. That goes on top of the quip she made about 'scars on the inside' the other day, and then later this evening that I needed to 'man up'. I am really sick of taking that shit from women. I felt like saying 'how dare you' since she has been incredibly self-absorbed and insensitive to everyone around her since I got here on Sunday (not just me - she's upsetting most of her friends).

I am quickly realising that this is going to descend into a great deal of drama. There are lots of things going on here which are too complicated to deal with - and clearly me being around is not helping the already large issues that the girls seem to be having. I am sick of being in the middle of things - I feel quite victimised and I don't want to justify that to myself, or play that role. I just want to be able to do a positive action to try to get out of here. Before things get worse. I don't want to be a scapegoat for the complex feelings that everyone seems to have, and at the moment it seems I have set myself up to be in that position.

I am happy to accept that I have caused issues, and I have apologised to S for what happened last night. She said that 'there are no hard feelings'. Obviously that's not true at all, as she went over to her parents tonight. This morning she was fine with me, and this evening everything seemed different. Women. Nutcase women everywhere.

Testosterone

I am writing this from Maine, where I arrived yesterday - I'm staying for 9 days here, and then heading down to Jersey City to see Em. S and N have been very welcoming, and I feel really at home with them and their housemates. I am so past tired, and getting the strange jet lagged feeling where I should be sleeping, but I'm not really able to.

I am feeling slightly full of testosterone - for the past couple of days I've been surrounded by girls, some of whom are very attractive, and I've been sleeping next to S and trying to avoid hitting on her. Their housemate H is cute too and seems to like me... Oh man, this is going to be torture to control my hormones!

I met my female nemesis in the way of Sheri yesterday. She is so gorgeous, and completely knows it. It was hard to resist her charms but I have been warned off her because N had a thing with her earlier in the year, and it would really hurt her. I wouldn't do anything, but I enjoy flirting a bit. She loves having the boys after her, although I don't think I'm really her type anyway.

So many girls, so little time. Still, I have come for a good time, and I don't want to upset anybody. I will try to be less impulsive and think things through for a change...

It's really weird seeing people after all this time. It feels like home though still, just like it always did.

Worthless

I just had another very confusing conversation with S. I was interested in understanding her feelings about me, and why she has been doing what she's been doing. Trying to get her to tell me felt quite hard and painful.

When I got too emotive she got defensive and accusational, and at the end I felt like I was being attacked. I was being honest and genuinely talking about my feelings, and she just didn't seem comfortable with that.

When she did talk about how she felt, it felt like the the were layers and layers of pain, and regret and guilt and resentment. And huge walls. And I felt there was a lot of resentment towards me that she hasn't even expressed yet.

On Christmas eve when I started to get close emotionally she started insulting me in various ways, most indirectly, or by making comments about various things in my house or the way I acted. I can't think of a single compliment, but lots of derogatory comments. I don't get it. It's like she's not comfortable giving compliments. I can't think of a single compliment that she has given me, that I can remember. If I give them to her, she says things like 'I know', or whatever.

Today she got upset with me because I let her walk home alone the other night without checking she was ok. I didn't do anything. She choose to leave after I had told her a lot of personal stuff, about what has happened to me this year. So I was pretty hurt when she left. And she told me very little about herself. When she did it was peppered with angry accusations about me wanting to much, or asking too much.

I felt like I had sort of bared my soul to her and she didn't really care how difficult it had been to me, and was more interested in how difficult it was for her to hear, or how it made her feel guilty. I was looking for someone to tell this to, and she resents me for that it feels like.

So yeah, when she left I wasn't thinking about her, I was thinking about her leaving, and what it was that I had done that made her leave, then I was upset at her for leaving me when I didn't know what I had done.

And a few minutes later I was crying, and I cried for an hour. So I didn't ask if she'd be ok getting home, or call her a taxi or check on her. Because she had hurt my feelings a lot. It seems I am supposed to be some idea of what her ideal man was, and I didn't live up to that ideal. I wasn't her hero or knight in shining armour. It makes me think of a few song lyrics on a song I once performed on. Who the hell could be? These perfect people don't exist.

She wanted to sleep with me and be friends, and even talk about personal stuff and hear about it, but without revealing anything about herself.

On the way home, some guys came up to her and gave her a hard time, trying to come onto her in a horrible, sexual way. I felt like she was blaming me for that happening to her - that she expected me to protect her from that. If I wasn't upset, I would have offered to walk her home, or get a taxi, but she didn't want to see me, she wanted to be away from me, because I got to close, or too personal. She keeps blaming me for her issues and insecurities.

I really care about her. I don't know why I care so much. She barely knows me, but she guesses my feelings and who I am, and I let her do it. If I try the same with her, she is offended.

We stopped our conversation on the phone, because I was making her feel bad about herself. Not by accusing her of anything, but by asking her why she does things, and how she feels, and telling her how I feel. On the other hand, she made me feel bad about myself by telling me how awful I was being. I don't think I've had anyone so directly give me a hard time about things. She is the least forgiving person I've met emotionally. She doesn't seem to want to empathise with me at all, has no interest in caring. It's pretty damn self centred. N is certainly like that, but at least she pretends to be nice most of the time.

When I told her I had tried to kill myself, I didn't get surprise, or sympathy, or any such reaction. I felt like she thought I was trying to get something from her, make her feel obligated by telling her. Well, I guess I was. I wanted her to respect me for being able to tell her at least, to be able to try to empathise. I wanted some kind of connection. It felt like she would rather not have heard, and resented me telling her. I wished I'd never told her later.

I guess I must be attracted to women who are slightly unstable. I don't know why. I don't know what she wants from me at all, she doesn't seem to much be interested in my opinions, or feelings for her. What does she see in me, or care about me? She seems to have almost no respect for me at all. I don't feel important or significant in the way that I feel to anyone else in my life.

What the hell am I to her at all? She doesn't seem to see me as a friend. Did she just want to have sex, wanted me to make her feel good about herself? Whatever it was, it didn't seem to be a two way situation.

I have been through enough this year, why do I have to be made to feel like an awful person by yet another girl? I feel selfish, nasty and inconsiderate. I know that is not me. I try my best to be helpful, to be generous, to be kind. I am not perfect. But I care about how I affect people. I do mean things sometimes, but I don't try to do them. I don't try to hurt people. Some people do though.

Again I am crying. She is not worth this. No one who makes me feel this bad about myself is. Not this year or any other.

Give a Fuck

I am crying my way into Christmas day. I guess I can't be happy every year.

I am sick of being rejected for no reason. I am broken again. I fix myself and then I let someone break me. I am such a fucking loser.

I suppose in the end I am a charity case. Love and happiness, or take what you can, and get out as quick as you can? There's that Christmas spirit.

About Face Turn

Ok, talk about an about face turn. I was texting S last night until about 2am. She called me to discuss things, then I completely missed the hints that she wanted to come over. Eventually she said something like 'Well, I wasn't coming that close to your house anyway :p'.

A few minutes later she called and said she was across the road. She was sitting in a shopping trolley in the car park across the road, very drunk. I pushed her around in the trolley for a bit, which was fun. Then she pushed me around in it, and it fell over, and it hurt. So I decided not to play that game anymore...

Anyway, she came in, we talked for awhile, then we cuddled, then she decided she wanted to climb into bed with me, but nothing was going to happen. After kissing her back for a couple of minutes, she rolled over and jumped on me. We had sex, it was great, I loved it... She wouldn't leave me alone most of the night, and I hardly got any sleep.

Still, amazing. And she's coming over again tonight I think. If she didn't freak out this morning realising what she'd done. Still, she seemed ok, albeit hungover.

Ok, I wasn't as gentlemanly as I could have been, but when a girl shows up at 2.30am unannounced, what else would a guy think, but 'she wants me'? I guess I was right...

:D

Hope and Disappointment

I'm starting to feel a little sad about S, who it seems isn't much interested in anything more than friendship. She was flirting with me, but she's stopped now, I think she's got scared. I feel a little down about it, because I really thought it was going well, and we had a good connection. Still, she has just got back in England, and who knows what will happen tomorrow. I hope she doesn't cancel on me or anything. I think I would actually cry.

N texted me this evening - I've been over at B's babysitting the kids. I am unsure why she did, because when I texted back she didn't reply. Maybe just to see if I was ignoring her. I was going to, but I told the kids she had texted, and T said, 'are you going to write back?' After that, I felt guilty considering ignoring her.

When I put the kids to bed, T tried to get me to stay, and said I could sleep in B and K's room. I said they were coming back later, he then suggested I build a bed so I can stay here too, and not have to go home. I felt bad again for leaving. I feel like a shitty useless person in their lives sometimes. I can't give them what I wanted to any more. I tread on someone's toes, and they aren't my kids. I hate what N has put me and them through, I just can't believe how much I have had to deal with from so many women this year. None of them have a clue what they want. I don't know what it is I am missing that women keep giving up on me for. Why do I have to give so much to people, and then have them turn around and spit in my face?

On the other hand, my date with A went really well. We met for coffee, then decided to go for lunch, and had lunch at a nice French place near Matlock. Then we went for a long walk. I spent about 6 hours with her, chatting non-stop. She's really intelligent, very very pretty, and probably the nicest person I have met in a long time.

She was shy at first, but soon warmed up. We have a lot in common, and I think it could be a really good thing. We are meeting up next Saturday for lunch, perhaps in Derby this time. I hope it goes well, I need some hope. She isn't the sort of girl I would want to rush with. She is very nice, and seems nervous about getting involved. But she's so warm, and genuinely caring. I don't know if I really know anyone like her that actually likes me.

To be honest, if I had the choice, I would still go for S, if she would give me a chance, I would wait. It's not that A isn't awesome, it's just I don't know her that well yet. I feel like I could hurt her too, she seems quite a fragile person emotionally. Anyway, whatever happens, I am free and single at the moment, and so I can decide what I want to do myself. I do like committing to someone though. I've never been the player sort really. I am now confused because although I have lots of female interest now, it's on a very friendship kind of level. I don't feel like I've met anyone who either wants to jump into bed with me, or start a relationship with me, or both. Still, I guess there's lots of hope.

In more exciting news (I'm full of it today), I'm off to Maine on Sunday, so I'll be seeing old friends. I'm determined to have an swesome time, and I think they will make sure I do. It will be cool to spend new year somewhere different for a change too. My friends have been pretty disappointing of late. I would expect a very dull new year if I stayed here.

Also, I plan to spend a little time in New Jersey on the way back, and see my friend E who I've been talking to lately. She's been a lot of support with everything that happened with N, and I really want to see her and tell her how much I appreciate it. She seems excited to see me too, and is checking with her girlfriend on what they'll be up to.

So, a bit of an up and down week to be honest. I have hope and disappointment all over the place...

Dancing Drama Queen

Going out with N last night was clearly a big mistake. I was generally doing ok, and I was trying to stay detached emotionally, even when she was going on about her new boyfriend, despite me having made it clear before we went out that it was an off limits topic. She talked about him and other guys a lot. I mostly just tried to pretend it didn't bother me.

It was going well and we were having fun, until we started dancing together. I think I put my arm round her and stuff which she said was ok, but not to cross the line. I was making her laugh a lot and she seemed to be having a good time.

But when we started dancing she started grinding against me. Then she told me off for dancing too close to her, so I backed off a bit, and she started grinding into me again.

Apparently, her side of the story is that I did it to her. This is not the case, she did it to me, and she was enjoying it for awhile, until she realised what she was doing.

A few minutes later we sat down, and she told me I had crossed the line. I burst out laughing at this. I would normally have been upset or angry, but what she said was so unfair after the way she had just been acting that it was actually very humorous. And I wouldn't tell her why I was laughing. When I did, she walked out. No talking about it, or anything, she stormed out and left. After me buying the meal, drinks all night, entry to the club, and us mostly getting on fine, she found an excuse to blame me for something that made her uncomfortable, and I was again the bad guy in her latest drama.

We had stupid arguments this morning, and I refused to accept responsibility. I apologised for upsetting her by laughing, because I didn't intend to. But she overreacted. Like she often does.

I am sick of the anxiety, of feeling like I am walking on egg shells because the next thing I do or say will upset her. And she moans and complains all the time to me. I am sick of hearing how awful her life is, how bad everything is for her. I ask her to help me with things, start paying back the money she owes me, respect my wishes about what I don't want to talk about with her, or stop talking to me, and she's unable to do any of these things. She doesn't respect me, she has no integrity, and she is incredibly and unbelievably selfish most of the time.

After she left, she apparently met a man on the street, who offered her a lift. She accepted after speaking to him for 5 minutes. Then she went to the car park, but it had closed. So she spent 3 hours talking to him until it opened at 5am, and then got him to drop her off. She's crazy.

Enough about bitchface. I am sick to the back teeth of her and her shit. I have blocked her on MSN. We'll see how long it is before she decides she really wants to speak to me again. Hopefully a good while.

On the other side of things, I am making new friends with girls I've met on the net, and I have another date tommorrow with a lovely girl, who we'll call A. We get on well, and she seems sweet and nice. We're meeting for coffee, then possibly lunch tomorrow. I hope I'm ok, and don't act all stupid like I've been doing at dates before.

Even better news is that S is coming back from Greece in a couple of days, and she's coming over on Christmas Eve. It's too early to tell if we have a chance of being anything more than friends, but she is a wonderful friend. She's beautiful, intelligent, articulate and passionate. She's an awesome girl. I hope I have a chance with her. I am starting to feel her warming to me, and I have made a real connection with her, more than I have with anyone for a long time. I think she's very scared of getting involved though, although I'm pretty sure she is attracted to me still, and likes me. The only trouble is, if we did get involved then she'd be in Greece for a few months still. I'd miss her so much. I think I will anyway after I've seen her. I suppose I could always go out there though.

So, the other sides of my social life are picking up. I actually have two more girls I've planned to go on dates with, and have agreed. An intelligent ecologist, and a sexy social worker. I am really attracted to the social worker, but not so much on an intellectual level. She'd be fun to go out with though. The ecologist girl, I'm not sure I really fancy. But I get on with her well. I also have three more women on Guardian Soulmates interested in me, and a couple of girls I haven't written back to yet on match.com.

I think I tried too hard a week or two ago, and now I have more interest than I can handle. I am replying to so many emails, and trying to remember what I have asked everybody. It's hard work. So I asked A almost immediately if she wanted to go out. It saves all the getting to know each other, and then being disappointed after you meet. I'd rather meet her sooner and see if we are compatible or not. She is rather pretty, very pretty actually, and she is extremely intelligent, seems quite passionate, and has a soft sweet manner to her. She's a counsellor and alternative therapist. Great profession for a potential girlfriend lol. I suppose even if we aren't romantically interested, there's a chance that we could be friends.

So in other respects, life is good. Work went well this week, and I am finally starting to feel more productive and put some passion in. I realise that N has had me emotionally exhausted, I just have so little to give sometimes. If I stopped talking to her, perhaps the constant anxiety will fade. I hope so. B seems to think it helped him a lot. I am glad to start enjoying work again, it feels awful that I don't have the energy and passion for it I used to, and I'm glad some of my interest in computers is coming back again.

Never Forget

The last few weeks, attracting any interest from most of my friends has been very difficult. I can't get people to go out, even after offering to buy them drinks, and I'm getting a bit sick of it. Also, dating has dried up a bit, and I was feeling positively miserable being at home on a Saturday night, when I am young free and single. I feel reasonably attractive, but I don't seem to be able to get any romantic interest in me, no matter how much I flirt, chat, or how I treat people.

I am working the dating websites, sending lots of emails, and not getting many replies from women. On the other hand, men aren't really leaving me alone, and slightly flirting in a jokey way seems to be bringing every horndog to my door recently. Why isn't it working with women too? I'm not ready to give men that sort of attention, and I want an emotional connection with people right now, not a sexual one.

I am still upset about N, and I just want some sort of social life to take my mind off things, and help move on with my life. When I start making an emotional connection with a woman though, they seem to be incredibly clear about it just being friends. It's getting on my wick. What is wrong with me? Why can't I keep a girlfriend or have a long term relationship? When I am with another girl, women seem to all be interested in me. Once I'm single, it's a different matter.

It's so frustrating. All I really want is a friend, and an emotional connection. It's so hard even to get that with anyone other than N. Everyone is keeping me at arms length. It's sort of like everyone knows unstable I have been recently. Was there a memo about it recently!?

I don't think I'll ever be able to live down my mental health problems. I really think they will haunt me forever. I am seriously thinking about moving down to London, trying to make new friends and start again. People who don't know me, and don't know my past and my issues. And people who will take me for who I am, rather than who they think I am.

I feel like a lot of people hate me for making them feel bad. I think N does and she won't admit it to me. But people think of you in terms of the way you make them feel about themselves. And the overdose I took completely broke me and N's relationship. After that, nothing was the same. My first suicide attempt lost me my relationship with Sarah. And my arrest and suicidal behaviour 5 or 6 weeks ago alienated two more of my friends. I feel like a complete loser about everything that has happened this year.

I hate that the horrendous circumstances leading to me being suicidal will keep haunting me. Everyone knows. All of my friends. And they won't ever forget. It's something that will be with me forever.

Don't Let the Beg Buds Bite

I got to see the kids today again - I realised just how much I had missed them when I got big hugs and a lot of attention from little L. He was really happy to see me, and so was T. Awesomeness. I got to have dinner with them, chatted with B and K and then we gave them a bath and I read T a couple of stories. He kept on saying he loved me, and I felt so sad that I haven't seen him more. I wanted to be a stable guy in their life, and I guess that won't be able to happen the same way. But I felt grateful for B allowing me to see them, and letting me take on some responsibility without feeling threatened. It's hard to know if I am getting too involved or not.

When T was ready to sleep, he said 'please stay' to me, and then told me his teddy had said it. I told him I'd be back to see him soon. I felt really sad. I lost a lot more than just N when our relationship ended. We did our little thing, where I say 'sleep tight' and he finishes it with 'don't let the beg buds bite'. So cute :)

Later B commented that it was clear I had got really close to T and that he liked how I cared about him so much. I offered to baby sit and things if they needed it, and he seemed to be keen on the idea. I hope I can see more of them, they really make me happy.

On the other side of things, I got a visit from someone who seemed to be from Inland Revenue today looking for N. She wouldn't tell me who she was, and said it was personal and could only speak to N. I gave her N's address. I perhaps could have refused, but it seemed a bit pointless to be difficult since it wouldn't be that hard for them to find her new one from her national insurance number and salary records. I texted her and told her, and she asked lots of questions. I don't want her to get into trouble, but it's not really my problem. On talking to B later, he said N had told him she'd paid back the tax credits she owed back, and that as far as he knew he was paying back all the money he owed them by agreement. So, I guess she misled him somewhat there, though why, I don't know. Still, really not my problem.

I have been trying not to talk to her, since I publically embrassed her on facebook on Monday, and she was very upset. We had a big argument. I apologised the next day, but she said 'I don't think an apology will cut it this time.' I realised that the only way I could get out of this cycle was to stop talking to her at all.

Since then she has contacted me about 3 times, but I think she'll start backing off. I try to avoid responding if I can. I'll only talk to her about what I need to, and try to get to a place where the horrible anxiety and dread I feel about doing things wrong starts to fade. It wasn't just me - B says he gets it too, and that things got a lot better after they broke up. She has a serious personality disorder, and requires constant attention. Even if it's negative attention. I think she'll probably contact me some more, which is ok. I just need to be strong and stay as stoic and calm as I can about things from now on. I need to regain my own self esteem, and stop worrying about what's happening in her life.

I remembered the BPD book I got early in the year when I was trying to deal with the same sort of thing with C. A huge fear of abandonment, coupled with a fierce independence and stubornness. N is different, but she has a few of the same traits. In people in relationships with people with BPD, it is common for them to get physical symptoms related to anxiety - the 'walking on eggshells' idea culminates in actual physical discomfort. Both me and B have experienced very similar things with N. Like feelings of dread or feeling sick when you know you will have to deal with a difficult mood, or an appeal for attention. I got severe paranoia after we broke up, and since them my sleeping has been extremely bad, and I keep waking up in the night in fits of anxiety. I know this is to do with depression, but the anxiety is definately at least in part from being in a constant state of alert for the last 4 months or so.

After showing him the symptoms list for Histrionic Personaity Disorder, he agreed that she showed almost all the symptoms. The trouble about personality disorders is that they are part of a personality itself. They can't be 'cured' easily. Only over the long term. They usually come about in early adulthood, and tend to receed later in life though. So there is hope there :)

Nothing Will Ever Be You

Songs don't always come from the places you expect them to. A case in point. Is the girl I am sad about, really what I'm sad about, or is it something else?

Rejection isn't new, it's just a different take on an old tune.



I wonder what on earth you're doing today
Now you don't talk to me
So many miles away
I had an excuse
To think of someone new
But she'll never do
She's not you

But god forbid I ever forget
How I felt that day
I still don't feel regret
And I still have so much to say
I hoped that I would marry you
And I still do

Oh Sarah you spoke to my soul
And now it's gone
The story left untold
Standing on a precipice
Hating life itself
A man don't come back from that
How can I forget?

Oh Sarah marry me please
Take me back
I'm begging on my knees
I never knew how much I needed you
But I still do


An illusion to cover my mistakes
I feel so guilty for hurting you that way
It doesn't matter what others say or do
I'm still in love with you

My dreams are gone, but I like to think of you
In the evening, or mid afternoon
As the sun shines through the glass
I feel the warmth I knew
It will never do
She's not you.

Oh Sarah a ring was not enough
To keep my heart from being crushed
Love's assault everything I knew
Was not enough for you

Oh Sarah what was wrong with me?
How didn't I begin to meet your needs?
Was it too much to soon,
To be so in love with you?



It seems forgiveness didn't come too soon
But I've forgiven you
And I moved on too
I still miss your little smile
I'll think of it awhile
While I dream of you
Like I always do


Oh Sarah how did you know?
When to hold on, and when to let go?
I gave you everything
How much I trusted you
I don't know why I still do

Oh Sarah marry me please
I'll do anything
I'm begging on my knees
I've never needed anything like I need you
This will never do
Nothing will ever be you.

.....


And so it goes. The deeper into the rabbit hole I go, the deeper I regret. I hate myself for so many things that I don't even know where to start.

Selfish Bitch

Another eventful day. I started flirting too much with N this morning who made it clear she wasn't interested. I took the hint and left her alone, trying to concentrate on work. I was having a pretty productive day, and felt pretty glad about it.

Later B called me to talk about me seeing the kids later in the week, so we arranged for Thursday afternoon. Then he told me what N had said about the kids meeting her new guy.

Now, myself and N had had a conversation about this last night, where I told her that she should be very careful because of how upset T had been this week about the divorce, and he wasn't even sleeping by himself anymore. He's been behaving really badly and asking why Daddy doesn't love Mummy anymore to B. She assured me she was being careful, that I didn't need to warn her, and that he'd not be meeting G until after Christmas.

Later today, independently, N decides it is the perfect time to introduce G into the mix. T wouldn't sleep tonight apparently, and has had to sleep in her bed. Strangely, G somehow manages to meet T before he goes to bed, despite the idea being that he comes round after the kids are in bed. Weird how that turned out. What a co-incidence. B told me on the phone that she had sounded like they might meet 'accidentally' and she hadn't been concerned about it.

She had me livid when I heard all this. I sent her a text (which as usual she ignored). I posted facebook message about how selfish I thought she was being. At this point I was so angry with her, I thought about calling social services. I remembered all the times she left the house without giving the kids breakfast, didn't wash clothes, and was late over and over again for everything. All the times I had to convince her to get up while I was doing their breakfast. All the times she sits on the computer and ignores the kids and anything else that needs doing. She can be a good mother, and loving, but at the moment all she can think about is herself. She's so full of herself, so absorbed in her own problems that she can't see anyone elses. B told me how the kids missed their vacinations and she didn't return the health visitors calls, and how T has been missing sessions at school. Eventually B had to take them to get the vacinations because she didn't sort it out.

I am just so sick of her excuses. When she came online later, she read the stuff on facebook and freaked. Then she got mad and accused me of lots of things. I didn't rise to the bait and when accused me of doing it because I was jealous, and all this sort of thing. She tried everything she could to twist things around to me, including threatening self harm. She's never done that before to me, but I know she has threatened to hurt herself to B before. It didn't work, I said I wasn't taking responsibility for her hurting herself. And she started being nice to me, and trying to say how hard she was finding it. Nothing made me more sympathetic, so she gave up.

That is the first time I haven't given into her, and haven't felt guilty about it afterwards. She's just gone way too far for me to sympathise anymore. Everything is her first, everyone else second.

She needs to grow up, and quickly. I hope one day she'll get over the self pity, and start seeing that she is a mother of two children and needs to act like an adult.

Life Marches On

Weird day. I sort of slagged of N's latest crush, and took him to pieces a bit because I think he might be the same guy C had a lot of trouble with. Then I left and went off to the gym, which turned out to be a fabulously good mood. I took my anger and frustration out on the treadmill and weights, and left feeling like a different person. After that, I started talking to her later, and I discussed going swimming with her on Thursday mornings, which we are going to do I think. We are going to buy Christmas trees this Thursday though.

I have a lot of hope of being friends with her. I really hope I can keep going and get over the hurt, at the same time as keeping in contact with her. It's important, and I really want to have the strength. Most of the issues I have are inside my own head, which is where I need to repair the damage. I hope I can be strong enough to do that.

I talked about T who seems to be having issues at the moment with B and N's breakup. I miss the kid, I really want to see him soon. Perhaps N will let me see them in a week or so. B will perhaps let me see them this coming week. I feel like it would help to be there for him at the moment.

Life marches on. It is starting to feel like the meaning will come back. But it's not there yet.

Needy Little Boy

I nearly went out with N last night to see some bands but she wasn't feeling well, I tried three other people and two of them didn't reply, so I spent another night in on the internet. I'm getting really sick of my friends not wanting to be friends. I only want to go out and have a good time, but they just don't seem interested. The only nights out I'm having are dates with almost strangers. It's nice, but I need someone I know to go out with too!

I got into another emotive discussion with N which descended to and from an argument. I was trying to be standoffish and slightly mean, but after a few glasses of wine it quickly descended into a lack of control and messy feelings, me telling how much I loved her still and how much I wanted her, and bla bla bla. I think maybe I should stop drinking for a week or two, and see if it helps control my emotions a bit better. I am struggling to cope with the constant anxiety at the moment.

So this morning I woke again at 5am, managed to get back to sleep for an hour, then the anxiety kicked in again and I was wide awake and couldn't get back to sleep. It's getting to be an amazong pain. I can't remember the last time I had a proper, uninterupted night's sleep. I don't know the best thing to do about it.

In other news, I thought I'd give growing a beard a go. Never tried before. The idea makes me feel manly :)

Miss Demeanor

I brought a lot of things up with R today in therapy - how I feel about men, and my issues around an encounter with Sandy years ago and how it affected me. I only need to bring up C next week and she'll have the full picture of just how screwed up I am. But she didn't seem judgemental, and she asked a lot about how I felt about telling her, which helped me realise it scared me a lot.

I lent some money to C earlier in the week. She was going to bring it back tonight, but she is in Derby after a show. I asked if she wanted to go out for a drink if I met her in Mansfield, and she suggested going out for dinner too, which sounded nice. So I said yes. But she's too tired now, and I worked her down to a takeaway, but then she warns me she has to go to Tesco too. I am then confused on why she asked me about dinner in the first place. I guess she just is tired, so I've asked if she'd like to do it another day instead. She's nutty as she always has been. She called to apologise and explained she was doing three shows a day for 6 days a week. Sounds like hard work, I'm not surprised she's tired.

I met up with B in the pub this afternoon. We did talk about other stuff apart from N for awhile. Then we complained about her for an hour and a half, and shared gossip. At least I don't feel alone in the way I think about her, and the huge amount of anxiety she caused me. B said something about dreading each day, and the new stresses it would bring, which is something I could really relate to. She told me she has got an appointment for therapy though. All I can say is thank god. She really needs this help, and I hope she will be open to examining herself, and her motivation for things. I think she has a histrionic personality, and she has a constant need for attention and approval. It won't be easy, but she can change and move on if she wants to.

...Several hours past without me publishing this. I rearranged with C for Sunday. And then I watched a couple of episodes of the wire, had a couple of glasses of wine, and started thinking about N again. I wish I didn't feel so lonely. It's weird - since I've been apart from her, whenever she's out and I'm not, it's like I'm missing a party I really wanted to be invited to, and everyone's having fun but me...
It's obvious I've still not completely let her go. I think I'll know I have when I start to know who I am again, start to enjoy the things I used to do, and feel capable. I hope that comes soon, I miss feeling like I am coping and doing well with my life. I think I deserve to be happy, I try my best, and I try to be a good person. I deserve to have some happiness.

Sandy Beaches

Morning pop-pickers. I'm not sure who I'm addressing exactly, because as far as I am aware, no one reads this!

This morning I'm feeling uncertain again. I've yet to get anywhere exploring the depths of my subconscious, and am rapidly coming to the conclusion that it's not worth worrying about. I'll do what I feel like and see what happens. I have decided I could do with a new hobby to keep me occupied though, something to work my brain a little that I enjoy. I think it will help with work and getting back to the kind of thinking I could do a few months ago.

I feel very shallow and vain recently - I think I've been talking for N too long. I spoke to B about her this morning, who is really glad to be rid of her. I guess I am starting to feel the same. I don't get much from her but complaints these days, and she's not a friend who makes me feel good about myself, she makes me feel worse. I think I will try to develop a standoff relationship with her and avoid having her feelings get to me. There are other women out there, and they are better for me. I can accept having feelings for her without having to act on them.

I realised what a lot I've been through this year when I contacted my old friend Sandy (that's obviously not her actual name). She's someone I slept with a long time ago, she used to be my friend's girlfriend. I had stronger feelings for her then too, but it was a menage et trois, with him and her, and I felt guilty for feeling that way about her for a long time. I guess it's in the past now though, perhaps something new will develop, or at least I will be able to be friends with her again. I miss that.

I have a therapy appointment soon, so I will cut this short. Perhaps I'll write more later.

Old Friends

I don't know what I want anymore. I think it's just to have a bit of fun and get to know some new people, but I get insecure and scared sometimes like today. I am confused about my sexuality a lot at the moment, because of all these new feelings I'm getting. I am getting very attracted to certain men, and it's scary for me.

I think I just need to cool down and stop pushing myself in various directions. I am still in love, I am still seeking something I need to find in myself from other people. I am struggling to find my identity, which has been so all over the place this year, that I don't really know who I am anymore.

I thought I was going to get married, then I thought I was my own man, then I thought I was a father, now I don't know what the hell I am. I am just a guy, lacking in faith and something to pursue.

I had dreams and ambitions, and they are slipping away one by one. I just want to learn to enjoy life, but all it feels like right now is a string of random moments. I feel anxious all the time, and uncertain, and unhappy.

My job is difficult and I am struggling to concentrate - my abilities are way down on what they used to be. I struggle to understand things, I am slow.

I am still fit and healthy, but my body is never good enough for me, I want better muscles, a better stomach, better skin and hair. I work hard at the gym, but not hard enough. Nothing I do is good enough for me, and I don't know how to get out of this cycle. I wish I could just start to feel happy with who I am again. I want people to like me so much, that I don't even think about liking myself a lot of the time.

I think the crucial thing I am missing is confidence in my abilities. I have lost my intellectual confidence a lot, and my drive and ambition. I had lots of plans, and I don't know where they've all gone, or what I need to do to achieve them anymore. I don't know what will make me happy, other than a loving relationship. That's not something that's easy to find. And I'm not sure I'm ready.

I've been talking to an old friend who I've always been attracted to. We're going to meet up around christmas. I guess I think we are well suited, and I have nice fantasy ideas about me and her. But she'll be working abroad until halfway through next year, so I don't know if anything could really happen with us, even if we both wanted it to. But at least at the moment, my little crush gives me hope that there is a woman out there for me. I miss believing that. I wish I could find someone loyal, and loving and kind, to show me that such women exist, and want to be with me.

Dating and Damsels

I went out on another date tonight with a nice girl. We seem to get on pretty well, although there aren't really many sparks there. I'd really like to have her as a friend though, even if nothing happens. She seems really cool, and a laid back, kind person. I really would like to get to know her better. I hope she feels the same.

I have been having a lot of surprises lately about my sexuality. I have always known that I am slightly gay, and find men attractive sometimes, but have never acted on these feelings, or had any major sexual impulses towards men. Recently things have changed - I've been having sexual fantasies involving men. I'm not sure how much I am going to follow through with it yet, but it's exciting and scary at the same time. Very weird though.

Thanks for all the fish

N just apologised to me for being mean last night. It doesn't make a lot of difference though. I realised that I love her still, but I really don't like her right now.

I think she is immoral and unethical, and keeps justifying her own selfishness with excuses. I don't have time for people like that in my life.

Like an American friend told me last week, it isn't worth it, there are plenty of nice people around, and there is no reason to put up with the horrible ones in your life. I will make new friends, and keep my real friends, and stop trying to panda to the wishes of people who don't care about me and my feelings.

She can grow up, and maybe one day I'll like her again. She needs to stop thinking she is right about everything though and start seeing somebody else's viewpoint for a change. She has endless excuses, endless pity speeches and endless platitudes to give out, and I'm getting sick of it. Time to forget about her and move on. So long N, and thanks for all the fish.

Stupid Cow

Again I wake up at 5.30am wondering what's wrong with my body clock. My first thoughts are the norm, I think about N, and the arguments we had last night.

For the first time though, I am still angry at her. I still resent her this morning, and I don't feel bad for upsetting her last night. She deserves to be upset, and I deserve to be able to hate her for how she has made me feel. Things are easier that way.

I deleted her friend from Facebook too, because I was sick of seeing her status updates. Then I felt all self-rightous and realised that I don't need to make this work for anyone else, only for myself. I am convinced that she really doesn't care about me at all after speaking to her last night, so why should I care about her? I will help her pay for the therapy still, to be a decent human being, but I don't feel an obligation to her anymore. I have felt obligated for so long. I guess I have a strong sense of loyalty that it takes a lot to break. Well, she eventually managed to break it.

I am glad I spoke to her, because normally this has the wrong effect, but I am actually quite convinced that it is for the best now. It would take a fucking saint to put up with her shit. I guess that's what B was for being married to her. She is a self absorbed, vacuous, superficial, pretentious bitch, who also acts like a slut and doesn't care about other people's feelings. She thinks she is much smarter than she actually is, and this coupled with her extreme stubborness makes her a massive pain in the arse. She also has a huge sense of entitlement, like she deserves to be treated differently to other people. She doesn't.

I hate her. Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Wow, that was venomous. But true, in her case.

I never felt this way about S. She has her issues, but at least she doesn't pretend she is always doing the right thing. N has to have to moral high ground too. Stupid cow. Grrrrrr.

Grrrrr

Grrrr. How can you love someone so much that frustrates you so insanely? She just needs to get on with it and get some fucking therapy, but I expect she'll put it off forever.

Why should I care anymore? I wish I could just stop caring, I really do.


I WANT TO BREAK FREEEEEEEEEE

FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK. Why do I always fall in love with women who are insane?

Fucking bitch. I hate her so much. And I love her too. That makes me hate her even more.

Break Even

I keep hearing this song, that I really hate. It's not that I don't like the sort of music (although I don't), it's because it's exactly how I feel about N right now, and it keeps reminding me of it, because it's played so often.

Yeah, it's the Script, a song called Breakeven. And it's way too right.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks, no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man thats gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks, no it don't break even

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks, no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks, no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks, no it don't break even)

Lack of a Spark

I went on a date this afternoon with a new girl I met on match. She was lovely, but I'm not sure that anything will happen there. I was nervous around her, and I was a bit afraid of being myself because she seemed so timid and shy. She seems really innocent, I think she may be a virgin, and she has never been on a plane before. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but she's not very adventurous or ambitious, which is sort of a turn off really.

She's not realy travelled much and lives with her parents. She seems like the family type, but I'd expect her to want to meet someone from a Church group, not a freaky, criminal type like me. She is way too nice for me. I usually go for head strong women who know what they want. She is cute and shy and although very pretty, she's quite reserved and it's hard to see if she likes me or not.

Of course, as soon as I left (and most of the date) I was thinking about how amazing N is, and how she was so much more my type, and more attactive to me. It's really hard to deal when I know who I want to be with already, and I can't have them. I wish love wasn't so complicated.

I miss the certainty of knowing what I wanted my future to be. Now it is all a blank slate. I want to go out and have fun, but the harder I try, the less fun I seem to have. I suppose that's how it works really though...maybe I'm trying too hard or something. I still believe there are other girls I could get on with really well out there, but the ones I am really interested in don't seem to return my interests. Maybe I should just give up and be alone.

Cathartic Letter

Here's a letter I wrote to the police. It's sort of cathartic apologising for what I did. Names have been changed to protect the innocent (and the guilty) ;)



29th November 2008


Dear Sergeant McNulty,

I am writing to thank you and the other officers involved in my case for your help and support on 15th November when I was arrested at *** after breaking into the premises. I deeply regret the actions I took on that night, and am seeking help for the emotional state that led me to become so unstable and destructive.

I just wanted to personally thank you for the advice and support that I was offered. I always felt that I was treated in a reasonable and understanding way, and I am grateful for the professional and sympathetic conduct of everyone involved.

I am not sure of the names of the arresting officers on that night, but one of them was very supportive to me when I was in shock at the time, and I’d like to thank him for his understanding, and the way he handled the matter. It made things a lot easier for me, and it was entirely down to his own character that he was as helpful and understanding as he was.

I wish you and your colleagues the best of luck in the future, and I want to assure you that something like this will never happen again. I need to learn to deal with my problems in constructive ways, and what happened that night has taught me a lot about myself, and how I handle difficult situations.

Once again, thank you to yourself, Officer Freamon, and all of the other police officers involved. You should be proud of the work you do, and I’d like to wish you all a happy Christmas and New Year.


Yours Sincerely,

Thomas Langdon

Pain and Suffering

No matter how hard I try, N is never far from my thoughts. Yesterday, I read on her blog that G had said the L word to her. The amount of initials in that sentence would be funny, if it wasn't for the content...

I decided to stop talking to her for awhile, because I felt a deep hole in my chest, and I don't know if anything will ever fill it in. I still dream of being together with her again, even though I know the chances are so slim. And I miss so much about her, and feel like I didn't appreciate it enough at the time. I regret so much. I wish I could stop feeling this way.

I went to therapy and talked things through with R. Lots of stuff came out. I realised that I didn't, and still don't trust my Mum. I told her lots about how I cling to women for dear life when I think they will leave me, and explained to her how I felt it had been like this for a long time. She guessed it was to do with my Mum, after I used the word 'desperation' and I think things became clear to her then.

I think my feelings for N are also tangled up in my feelings for S. She became the replacement for my lost hope, and I invested a huge amount of myself in our relationship. Too much. I still feel like a shadow of who I was, and I can't remember what it was like to be by myself and have no girl to confide in. It was E, then C then S and then N. I have not been single for this long for over a year, and I feel scared and lonely. I am starting to isolate myself, and I don't trust anyone very much. It's not a good place to be.

On the bright side, I am getting on with a new girl, who is also an S. I suppose she'll have to be S2. Lol. Well, anyway, things are going quite well and I have a date with her on Saturday. It'll be good to get back into dating and meeting new people, it did a lot for my confidence with women last year.

I spoke to her on the phone today. She seems quite quiet and shy, and although I can be shy, for the most part I'm not like that anymore. She's a lot more reserved than me so I am a little worried I'll scare her. I am hoping that she finds my silliness and liberated attitude endearing. On the other hand I might iritate her.

She seems quite religious, although we've not really talked about it. I am a little scared she'll be a bit too down to earth for me, and unremarkable. Still, maybe I'll make a friend at least, and I could do without another nutty woman for the time being.

The trouble is, the people I am most attracted to, are the sort of people with larger than life personalities. Unfortunately, I can't seem to hold on to them very long. Maybe I am too boring, or self-absorbed, or unattractive. I don't know what is wrong with me. According to my last three girlfriends, it's them, not me. But yet still they leave me. What's up with that?

I am sick of being given the line about them wanting to be by themselves. C did that, and so did N (and also my first love too). All of them were seeing other people within a few weeks. It's such bullshit. I think during the sex education classes at school, they take girls aside and teach them all of the lame break up lines that they are allowed to use in the future, and make sure they all have the same ones.

E said - I want to be with someone a bit more manly (talk about ouch...I hit the gym obessively after that. Apparently fucking her against a tree in a country lane when we met up at about midnight isn't any sign of manliness).
C said - I want to be by myself. I need to be single right now. (that was bullshit).
S said - I want to be with my husband still. (Ok, at least that was a good reason, even if she did it in a mean way)
N said - I can't handle a relationship right now (looks to be turning out like bullshit, or just I want to have my cake and eat it).

Girls really are full of shit. I expect the next few relationships to go the same way to be honest. Boy meets girl, boy is scared of falling in love. Girl tells boy repeatedly that she loves him, boy opens up, girl takes everything, breaks up with boy and leaves bloody carcas. That's how the last three went.

Three girls I've been in love with this year. All of them said they wanted to stay with me, and marry me. (Yes, C used to look at pictures of wedding dresses and ask me when I was going to propose to her - I'd been seeing her two months at this point). These women don't know what they want. I think they are all emotionally immature. Do I attract people like that or something? Well, I suppose at least none of them left me because I didn't have an Audi TT. I do get the impression that E feels very guilty about the way she treated me now. Her views on men have definately changed since she fell in love with the guy she's seeing.

As we are speaking C started talking to me on MSN, which is an unusual occurrance. Usually I say a couple of sentences to her, and she either replies and tells me she's depressed, or she ignores me. Lately she's mostly being ignoring me. So I guess she saw the thing about the nice girl I've been talking to on facebook, and she got curious, and asked me about it. Interesting. She's single at the moment. I wonder if she is having a bit of reminiscence about me. Or not. Lol. Either way, it's interesting how being with a girl suddenly makes other girls more interested. It's always that way.